Old and New Jokes

The phone rings in the middle of the night.

Before the wife can get it, her husband answers.

He hears a mans voice asking if the coast is clear.

Jesus, man he hollers how the hell should I know? The oceans 30 miles east of here.

May you never leave your marriage alive.

On a recent vacation, I came upon the following news item in
the March 15 Blue Springs, Missouri, Examiner:

PICK 3

ST. LOUIS–The winning numbers drawn Tuesday night in the daily
Missouri Lottery Pick 3 game were 9-9-9.

A winning $1 ticket with the numbers in the correct order paid $500; a
winning $1 ticket with the numbers in any order paid $160.

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives is a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top half.

Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but them remembers how bad his grandmothers eyesight is, and hopes she wont notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says … Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style, it makes your nose look too short!

Tom and Jack are on an expedition to the center of Africa, when they are suddenly surrounded by a group of small, painted, evil-looking natives.

Tom says, We have nothing to fear. See me get us out of this one!

So he approaches the one that is wearing the fancy feathers – obviously the chief, and, reaching into his poscket, pulls out a bic lighter. He makes sure that he has the chiefs undivided attention and flicks it on.

Well, the chief is suprised! He turns to one of the elders and says, Look at that! It lit the first time!!!

The other day, my friends and I went to a ladies night club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a $20 bill. She called the guy back over, licked the $20 bill, and stuck it to his other butt cheek. In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulled out a $50 bill and called the guy over. I was worried about the way things were going, but she licked the bill and just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again. My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things were going, the guy gyrated over to me! Now everyones attention was focused on me, and the guy was egging me on to try and top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do? I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his behind, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home.

What happens when people of different occupations get old.

– Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.

– Old actors never die, they just drop apart.

– Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.

Concussion: A prisoners sofa

Congenital: To be friendly

D & C: Where the White House is

Dilate: To live too long

Enema: Not a friend

Fester: Quicker

Fibula: A small lie

GI series: A soldier ball game

Hangnail: A coat hook

Impotent: Distinguished, well known

Homosexual repellent perfume.

Heres a joke my uncle told me:

Through some cosmic fluke, Reagan, Thatcher, and Gorbachev all died on
the same day. Off they went to the gates of Heaven. Peter, seeing that
these were all VIPs, sent them straight off to the Almighty.

God, sitting on his throne, called up Reagan.

Ronald, my son, what have you to say for yourself?

I tried to improve the US economy, replied Reagan, and I did my best to
benefit the nation.

Very well, my son, come up and sit beside me at my right hand.

And so Reagan sat at his right.

God then called up Gorbachev.

Mikhail, my son, what have you to say for yourself?

I tried to make Soviet society more open, replied Gorbachev, and I did
my best to improve the Soviet economy.

Very well, my son, come up and sit beside me at my left hand.

And so Gorbachev sat at his left.

God then called up Thatcher.

Margaret, my daughter, what have you to say for yourself?

Only two things, replied Thatcher.
First of all, Im not your daughter. Secondly, get out of my chair!