Old and New Jokes

How do some men avoid making a wrong career move?

They never get a job!

There were these two dogs in a vets waiting room, each eyeing the
other suspiciously. One of them turns to the other.

What are you here for? he asks.

Well, replies the other, I was feeling really bad the other day,
and Masters six year old son started bothering me. I tried to ignore
it, but I was feeling so rotten that I bit his hand off.

I dont blame you. So, what are you here for?

Erm… well… Master reckons that Im too vicious, so Im going to
be… you know… Im going to have the operation…

Oh dear. Im sorry, sympathised the first dog.

Time passed. The about-to-be-neutered dog coughed politely.

So, he asked, What are you in here for?

Oh, nothing really, the other replied, embarrassed.

Go on, tell me. Please…

OK. Well, its like this. The bitch next door was in heat, and so I
was feeling… you know, a bit randy. Then Mistress came into the
kitchen wearing a short skirt and no underwear, and she bent over. I
just couldnt resist it! admitted the dog.

Oh, so youre here for the operation too, then.

No, came the reply, Im here to have my nails clipped!

Q: How many Yale students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None–New Haven looks better in the dark!

Note: If you have ever been to New Haven, youll know it really does.

What is 6 inches long…..Has a big head….Woman love it?????

A $100 dollar bill!

A fellow walks into a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender if hed like to hear a good Notre Dame joke.



Listen buddy, he growled. See those 2 big guys on your left? They were both linemen on the Notre Dame football team. And that huge fellow on your right was a world-class wrestler at Notre Dame. That guy in the corner was Notre Dames all-time champion weight lifter. And I lettered in 3 sports at Notre Dame. Now, are you absolutely positive you want to go ahead and tell your joke here?



Nah, guess not, the man replied. I wouldnt want to have to explain it 5 times.

Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb denying enforcement of the vote.

They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
— Benjamin Franklin, 1759

Q: Whats the best place to photograph Clinton Administration officials?
A: A police lineup.

A young woman said to her doctor, You have to help me, I hurt all over.

What do you mean? said the doctor.

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, Ow, that hurts.

Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, Ouch! That hurts, too.

Then she touched her right earlobe. Ow, even THAT hurts.

The doctor asked the woman, Are you a natural blonde?

Why yes, she said.

I thought so, said the doctor. You have a sprained finger.

El pretendiente acudió a la casa de su novia para pedir su mano:

¿Y a qué se dedica usted, joven? pregunta el padre de la chica.

Soy el encargado de mantenimiento responde con orgullo en la voz el aspirante.

¡Ah, qué bueno! se alegra el papá. Desde ahora le encargo que nos mantenga también a mi esposa y a mi.

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought this was odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so I bought 200 of them. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didnt adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive; they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Goddamn cheap monkeys.

I didnt know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didnt work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.

I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didnt want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortuantely there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didnt go bad. I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed, The odor wasnt improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one. He couldnt take it either. I didnt bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didnt quite know what to say. They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.

I like monkeys.