Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if you wax your eyebrows with duck tape.

This one big lawyer from the city decided to take time away from his busy day and went out to the farm and shot a duck.

The farmer walks out Of his building upon hearing the shot and screams at the city guy – HEY You Cant shoot that duck on my property. That duck belongs to me. Hand it over!

The city guy says, Hell no I shot him so I get to keep him!

The farmer and the city boy decide to settle it country style (which is to kick each other in the nuts till the other one falls over)

So the farmer goes first and slams the city boy a nice hard stiff kick. Upon receiving the kick, the city boy damn near colllapses from the pain.

The city boy regains his balance And studders Its my turn

The famer looks at him and says – aw Hell, keep the damn duck!

1) When on a one way street, stay to the right to allow oncoming traffic to pass.



2) Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car.



3) The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it.



4) Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work.



5) Always look both ways when running a red light.



6) Never use directional signals when changing lanes. They only warn other drivers to speed up and not let you in.



7) Making eye contact revokes your right of way.



8) Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to ensure inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible. And if a pedestrian ahead of you steps into the road, speed

up, honk or yell loudly and chase him back up on the curb. Pedestrians have no rights.

Q: How does an older man keep his youth?

A: By giving her money.

Empieza a oler feo y una petulante mujer exclama con tono afectado:

¡Un pun, un pun! ¡Qué feo!

Llega un químico e informa:

No, no es pun: es un aire gaseoso que se eleva a la estratosfera.

Cuando llega un sacerdote, molesto, dice:

No es un pun, ni un aire gaseoso: es un frijolito que acaba de morir y su alma está subiendo al cielo.

Entonces un poeta declara en un tono elegíaco:

No es pun, ni un aire gaseoso, ni un frijolito que acaba de morir: es el suspiro de una nalga enamorada.

Un borracho pasa por ahí, y con voz tartajosa anuncia:

No es un pun, ni un aire gaseoso, ni un frijolito que acaba de morir, ni el suspiro de una nalga enamorada: es una caca que está pidiendo a gritos libertad.

Yo mama is so fat that when she stood on the electrical talking scale it said one at a time please.

Se encontraban dos mendigos de esos viciosos en la calle matando un cachito de marihuana, cuando de pronto pudieron observar que había un billete de $20.000 pesos tirado en la calle.

Desesperados corrieron a cogerlo a ver quien tenia mayor suerte, pero llegaron al tiempo y ambos tomaron el billete de una de las puntas. Para no romperlo, ni dividirlo por partes iguales, decidieron compartirlo y empezaron a discutir en que lo gastarían.

Después de mucho rato uno le dijo al otro:

Ya se. Compremos $19.000 en marihuana y $2.000 en salchichon…

A lo que el otro ñero contestó:

Parcerito ¿y no será como que mucho salchichón?

A guy and his manager go down to the docks. The manager is betting
every longshoreman he sees that his guy can screw and satisfy 100
women in a row, without pausing. Bets are made and they agree that
theyll meet the next day.

The next day, 100 women are lined up along the dock and the guy drops
his pants and starts. True to his word, he moves from one to the
next, satisfying each one without pausing: 1.. 2.. 3.. on and on he
goes: 49.. 50.. 51.. He slows down somewhat: 83….. 84…..
85…….. but he is still moving from one to the next and the women
are still satisfied: 97………… 98………….
99……………. and before he can get to the last woman he has a
heart attack and dies.

The manager scratches his head and says, I dont understand it! It
went perfectly at practice this morning!

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

Well he explained By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen.

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself Ill go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. Well he explained By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen.

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself Ill go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. Well he explained, by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying –

Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure…….

A man was robbing a house in the middle of the night. All of
a sudden, he heard a parrot cry out.

Jesus is gonna get you.

The robber ignored it, and takes the TV.

Again, the parrot cries out.
Jesus is gonna get you.

The robber started to get a little worried.

Whats your name, birdie?

Moses.

What dummy named you Moses?

The same dummy who called his rottweiler Jesus.