Old and New Jokes

Do you know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise Women

instead of Three Wise Men? They would have asked directions,

arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a

casserole, and, brought practical gifts!

[Note – making the rounds, no attribution could be located – ed.]

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

USA Today:
WERE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal:
DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer:
O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Playboy:
GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft Systems Journal:
APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victorias Secret Catalog:
OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated:
GAME OVER

Wired:
THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone:
THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest:
BYE

Discover Magazine:
HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT
AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

TV Guide:
DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!

Ladys Home Journal:
LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW ARMAGEDDON DIET!

America Online:
SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine:
TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

Microsofts Web Site:
IF YOU DIDNT EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE,
DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.

Sun:
ARMAGEDDON TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW AVAILABLE!

Joke found on http://www.dupyup.com

Since at one time or another, I have seen idiots doing such things, I thought I might just as well make it easy for them and give them a list.

When your car is so old as to break down every mile or so, be sure to drive on bridges and narrow highways during peak rush hour traffic.
If your car breaks down while driving, stay in the middle of the road. Do not attempt to move to the shoulder.
When disabled in the road, leave your car door wide open.
If it is necessary to change your tire on a road shoulder, place the flat tire in the middle of the road and make traffic drive around it.
If your muffler system breaks, keep it broken as long as possible. Drive through residential neighborhoods at night as much as you can and rev the engine.
Drag your exhaust system on the ground when possible.
If your car leaks oil, and you visit friends or relatives, park in their driveway.
Never replace worn tires and drive fast on wet roads and slippery roads.
If you notice smoke coming from your exhaust pipes, allow your car to roll back at the next red light to make sure that you get some of it into the car behind you.
Tint your windows pitch black so that nobody can see you, where your looking, or whats happening in front of you.
Only have your oil checked and windows washed when you pull into a busy and under-staffed, full service gas station.
Never replace burned out brake, signal, and head lights.
When replacing a burned out headlamp, try aiming the lights a little so you can see better at night.
Dont fix windows which no longer roll down. This way you can delay other drivers by having to unfasten your seat belt and open the entire car door to pay a highway toll.
If any safety parts on your car need replacing (such as burned out headlights or worn tires) wait until just before the inspection is due to get them repaired. No sense in rushing things.
If the plastic tail light cover breaks, fix it with red tape. If the plastic turn signal cover breaks, fix it with yellow tape.
If the bumper or exhaust system starts to fall off, use twine to loosely tie it back up.
If the radio antenna breaks, unbend a wire hanger and shove it into the antenna opening.
Adjust your window washers so that they squirt over the wind-shield, above the car, and onto the vehicle behind you.
An old rag is the perfect substitute for a missing gas cap.
When disabled in the road, leave your car door wide open, then step into oncoming traffic as you walk around the door to re-enter your car.
Install bright neon lights around your license plates so that no one can read it.
When you bring your car in for servicing and the mechanic asks what kind of car you have, tell him you have a blue one.

One day a bachlor decides that he is going to take up hunting, since he had nothing else to do with his money. He goes an buys a pick up truck and two hunting dogs. Goes to the country to hunt, when all of a sudden he spots some ducks flying over head. He takes his shot gun and shoots, he hits one and lets the dogs out. He chases after the dogs and they come to a farmers field, when the young man says Excuse me sir, but that is my duck The farmer says no my land, my duck. Tell you what sonny, lets settle this the country way, We kick each other in the balls, and who is left standing, gets to keep the duck. The city boy says Allright But the farmer says I go first The farmer kicks the young man in the balls, and lays on the ground for about five minutes. When he finally gets to his feet, he states OK, my turn The farmer says Na, you can keep the duck.

Want to hear a clean joke? Little Johnny took a bath with bubbles.

Want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles was the girl next door.

Dung On MAI Shu————I stepped in excrement

Ai Wan Tu Bang Yu———Lets sleep together

Ai Bang Mai Ne————–I bumped into the coffee table

Fat Ho———————An unattractive woman

Ar U Wun Tu—————–A gay liberation greeting

Chin Tu Fat—————-You need a face lift

Chow Mai Dong————-Romantic proposition

Dum Gai———————A stupid person

Wel Hung Gai—————-Is that a banana in your pocket?

Won Hung Low————-Southern Chinese dialect for Wel Hung Gai

Gun Pao Der—————–An ancient Chinese invention

Hu Flung Dung—————Which one of you fertilized the field?

Hu Yu Hai Ding————–We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugutive

Jan Ne Ka Sun—————A former late night talk show host

Kum Hia———————Approach me

Lao Ze Sho——————Gilligans Island

Lao Zi———————-Not very good

Lin Ching——————-An illegal execution

Moon Lan Ding————-A great achievement of the American space program

Ne Ahn———————-A lighting fixture used in advertising signs

Shai Gai——————–A bashful person

Tai Ne Bae Be————A premature infant

Tai Ne Po Ne————–A small horse

Ten Ding Ba—————-Serving drinks to people

Wan Bum Lung————-A person with T.B.

Yu Mai Te Tan————–Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you

Wa Shing Kah—————Cleaning an automobile

Wai So Dim——————Are you trying to save electricity?

Wai U Shao Ting———-There is no reason to raise your voice

One day upon arriving home from work, my wife informed me that she was interested in having breast enlargement surgery. When I asked why, she said, Because it would improve my self-esteem, and hopefully make me a little more attractive to you.

When I asked her how much it would cost, she said $3000 per breast.

I exclaimed, $3000 per breast?! Have you tried the toilet paper method?

She looked puzzled.

Sure – each night before you go to bed, rub toilet paper between y our breasts, and over a period of time, they should grow.

She said, That wont work!

I replied, It worked on your ass!

The phone rings at FBI headquarters. Hello?

Hello, is this the FBI?

Yes. What do you want?

Im calling to report my neighbor, Adrian Johnson! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.

Thank you very much for the call, sir.

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Johnsons house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.

The phone rings at Johnsons house. Hello?

Hey, Adrian! Did the FBI come?

Yeah!

Did they chop your firewood?

Yep

Great, now its your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.

In order for UNIX(tm) to survive, it must get rid of
its intimidating commands and outmoded jargon, and become compatible with
the existing standards of our day. To this end, our technicians have come
up with a new version of UNIX, System VI, for use by the PC – that is,
the Politically Correct.
System VI Release notes
Utilities

man pages are now called person pages.
Similarly, hangman is now the
person_executed_by_an_oppressive_regime.
To avoid casting aspersions on our feline friends, the cat command
is now merely domestic_quadruped.
To date, there has only been a UNIX command for yes – reflecting
the male belief that women always mean yes, even when they say no. To
address this imbalance, System VI adds a no command, along with a
-f[orce] option which will crash the entire system if the no is
ignored.
The bias of the mail command is obvious, and it has been replaced
by the more neutral gendre command.
The touch command has been removed from the standard distribution
due to its inappropriate use by high-level managers.
compress has been replaced by the lightweight feather command.
Thus, old information (such as that from Dead White European Males)
should be archived via tar and feather.
The more command reflects the materialistic philosophy of the
Reagan era. System VI uses the environmentally preferable less
command.
The biodegradable KleeNeX displaces the environmentally unfriendly
LaTeX.

Shell Commands

To avoid unpleasant, medieval connotations, the kill command has been
renamed euthanise.
The nice command was historically used by privileged users to give
themselves priority over unprivileged ones, by telling them to be nice. In
System VI, the sue command is used by unprivileged users to get for
themselves the rights enjoyed by privileged ones.
history has been completely rewritten, and is now called herstory.
quota can now specify minimum as well as maximum usage, and will be
strictly enforced.
The abort() function is now called choice().

Terminology

From now on, rich text will be more accurately referred to as
exploitive capitalist text.
The term daemons is a Judeo-Christian pejorative. Such processes
will now be known as spiritual guides.
There will no longer be a invidious distinction between dumb and
smart terminals. All terminals are equally valuable.
Traditionally, normal video (as opposed to reverse video) was
white on black. This implicitly condoned European colonialism,
particularly with respect to people of African descent. UNIX System VI
now uses regressive video to refer to white on black, while
progressive video can be any color at all over a white background.
For far too long, power has been concentrated in the hands of root
and his wheel oligarchy. We have instituted a dictatorship of the
users. All system administration functions will be handled by the
Peoples Committee for Democratically Organizing the System (PC-DOS).
No longer will it be permissible for files and processes to be
owned by users. All files and processes will own themselves, and
decided how (or whether) to respond to requests from users.
The X Window System will henceforth be known as the NC-17 Window
System.
And finally, UNIX itself will be renamed PC – for Procreatively
Challenged.

Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they dont catch anything.

The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day.

It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As theyre driving home theyre really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?

The other guy says, Wow! Its a good thing we didnt catch any more!