Old and New Jokes

My play was a complete success. The audience was a failure.

For years n years they told me, Be careful of your breasts. Dont ever squeeze or bruise them, And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings And protected them by law. Guarded them very carefully, An always wore a bra.

After thirty years of careful care, The doctor found a lump, He ordered up a Mammogram To look inside that clump.

Stand up very close, she said, As she got my tit in line, And tell me when it hurts, she said, Ah, yes! There! Thats just fine.

She stepped upon a pedal. . . I could not believe my eyes! A plastic plate was pressing down. My boob was in a vise!!!

My skin was stretched n stretched From way up by my chin, And my poor tit was being squeezed To Swedish pancake thin!!!

Excruciating pain I felt, Within its vise-like grip, A prisoner in this vicious thing, My poor defenseless tit!!

Take a deep breath she said to me Who does she think shes kidding? My chest is smashed in her machine, I cant breathe and woozy I am getting.

There, that was good, I heard her say As the room was slowly swaying. Now lets get the other one. Lord, have mercy, I was praying.

It squeezed me from the up and down, It squeezed me from both sides, Ill bet shes never had this done To her tender little hide!

If I had no problem when I came in, I surely have one now. . . If there had been a cyst in there, It would have popped, Ker-pow!!

This machine was made by a man, Of this I have no doubt. Id like to get his balls in there, For months, hed go without!!

A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate, and elegant – especially in her language – was planning a weeks vacation in Florida so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for a reservation.She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didnt quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldnt bring herself to write the word TOILET in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE. But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So, she started all over again, rewrote the letter and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the B.C. Does the campground have its own B.C.? is what she actually wrote. Well, the campground owner wasnt old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldnt figure out what the woman was talking about. That B.C. business really stumped him. After worrying about it for a while, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldnt imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:
Dear Madam: Regret very much in the delay in answering you letter. I now take the pleasure in informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people usually take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago and it was so crowded that we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now, there is a supper being planned to raise money to buy more seats. Theyre going to hold it in the baseme

For those of you about to become first-time fathers, you should know something that us old pros do: there are three stages of sex with your mate during pregnancy.

During the first trimester, you do it regular style. During the second trimester, you do it doggie style.

During the last trimester, you do it wolf style. What the heck is wolf style? you ask. Thats when you sit by the hole and howl!

You might be a redneck if the roof of your truck is higher than the roof of your house.

10. Accidental switch back to 19,000 Leagues Under the Sea.

9. Screwed up computers report EuroDisney turning a profit.

8. Air traffic control glitch causes Dumbo to smack into a DC-10.

7. The Its a Small World After All creatures go on a rampage.

6. The Hall of Presidents keeps chanting Kill Clinton, kill Clinton.

5. When you wish upon a star, nothing happens.

4. Unexpected power surge brings an angry Walt Disney back to life.

3. Main Street Electrical Parade becomes Main Street Two Guys With Plastic Flashlights Parade.

2. Ticket machine accidentally dispenses day passes for less than $600.

1. Two words: catapulting teacups.

One day, a bar owner decided he had enough of the slow business and needed a gimmick. He finally decided on one. He got a horse and put it in the bar. He placed a sign over the horse and had the sign read.

Pay $100, make the horse laugh win $1000 For years, the gimmick worked. Finally, a man walked into the bar saw the sign and asked, Is that sign for real? The bar owner told him it was.



The man paid $100, walked up to the horse and whispered something to the horse. The horse started to laugh falling to his knees.



The next day, the owner changed the sign.



Pay $100, make the horse cry, win $1000. For years the gimmick worked. One day, the same man walked into the bar and saw the sign. He paid the bar owner $100 and asked for a curtain. The man closed the curtain and then opened it a couple of moments later. The horse was now crying up a storm.



The man walked up to the bar owner and asked for his money. Not so fast, the bar owner said, First you have to tell me what you did both times! Simple, said the man, First I told him I was bigger, this time I proved it

What is the last thing to go through a bugs mind when it hits your windshield?

Its ass.

This guy goes to the pharmacist and says, Listen, these two girls are coming to my place for the weekend and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night. It is going to be a hell of a party.

The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, This stuff is very potent, you drink only one ounce of it and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know about it.

The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist is going to work and at the door of the drug store, the same fellow is there waiting for him. The pharmacist says, What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?

The guy replies, Quick open the store, I need Blue Ice (a pain muscle reliever).

The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, Are you crazy, you cant put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive.

The guy says, Its not for my penis, its for my arm. Pharmacist says, What?? What happened? Guy replies, Well…I drank the whole bottle of your potion. Pharmacist says, And… Guy replies, The girls never showed up!

This little boy goes to his dad and asks, What is politics?

Dad says, Well son, let me try to explain it this way: Im the breadwinner
of the family, so lets call me Capitalism. Your Mom, shes the
administrator of the money, so well call her the Government. Were here to
take care of your needs, so well call you the People. The nanny, well
consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, well call him the
Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad had said. Later
that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on
him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little
boy goes to his parents room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not
wanting to wake her, he goes to the nannys room. Finding the door locked,
he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives
up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now.

The father says, Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think
politics is all about.

The little boy replies, Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working
Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the
Future is in Deep Shit.