Old and New Jokes

Did you hear about the [ethnic] that bought four snow tires?

They melted on his way home.

Wife #1: Hey, Lynn, tell me this. How did you get your husband from staying out late?
Wife #2: Well, everytime he would come home I would simply say, Mike, is that you?
Wife #1: But I still dont understand. How did that kept him from staying out?
Wife #2: My husbands name is Andrew.

Bono, Yoko. Yoko, Bono
Im sorry, but no one under 18 will be admitted unless theyre Bill Wymans date
Jerry Garcia couldnt make it tonight — here to accept on his behalf is a bearded fat guy we pulled in off the street
Is that feedback or is Yoko Ono singing?
Here, take Cesar Romeros seat
How did Tonya Harding get voted in?
What a coincidence, Mr. McCartney! I played you in the Chicago cast of Beatlemania, and now Im your waiter!
On no, theyre letting Letterman perform!
(Here they showed the now famous clip of a guy that looks like Dave playing the violin and singing Camptown Races)
Earthquake! Oh wait, Meat Loaf just fell off his chair
Run for your life its Elton Johns hair!

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I dont know where I am.

The man below says, Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West longitude.

You must be an engineer, says the balloonist.

I am, replies the man. How did you know?

Well, says the balloonist, everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.

The man below says, You must be a manager!

I am, replies the balloonist, but how did you know?

Well, says the man, you dont know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.

Does virgin wool come from sheep the shepherd hasnt caught yet?

If the front of your car says DODGE, do you really need a horn?

What do sheep count when they cant get to sleep?

Why isnt phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Little Johnny was walking down the road one day and an old man was sitting on his front porch rocking back and forth in his rocking chair.

The old man said, Whatcha got there, son?

Johnny said, Got me some chicken wire.

Whatcha gonna do with that chicken wire, son? asked the old man.

Gonna catch me some chickens, said Johnny.

You cant catch chickens with chicken wire, said the oldster.

Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and walked on down the street. About half an hour later, Johnny came back passing the old mans front porch with three chickens entangled in the chicken wire.

The old man was shocked and couldnt believe his eyes.

A little later Johnny passed the old mans porch.

Whatcha got now, son?

Got me some duct tape.

And whatcha gonna do with that duct tape? the old man asked.

Gonna catch me some ducks.

You cant catch ducks with duct tape, said the old man.

Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and kept on walking.

About half an hour later, back comes Johnny with three ducks tangled in the duct tape.

Again, the old man rubbed his eyes in disbelief.

Half an hour later, Johnny was again passing the old mans porch.

Whatcha got now, son? asked the old codger.

Got me some pussy willow.

The old man said, Wait right there while I get my shoes!

Yo mama is so stupid, it took her an hour to make minute rice!

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young
trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They
parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to
the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen
window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger
coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove
that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that
last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped
and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, When I see two men from the gas
company running as hard as you two were, I figured,
HOLY MOLY!! IM OUTTA HERE!!

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are … very slowly?

The cashier leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrr, Kiiinnnggg.

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey.

If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then Im against it.



But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then Im for it.



This is my position, and I will not compromise!