Old and New Jokes

This 82-year-old man married a 22-year-old woman and they decided that they wanted to have kids. So after trying for a while with no success, he went to see the urologist, pretty discouraged. The urologist said not to get discouraged and that they could run some tests.

Take this specimen jar into the bathroom and leave me a specimen to test, the doctor said.

The old man closed the door, and about an hour and a half later, still had not come out. The doctor came by and asked, Are you alright?

No the old man said. This just isnt going to work. he dejectedly explained. Theres no hope for me, Ive worn out my left hand, Ive worn out my right hand, Ive run cold water over it, and Ive run hot water over it. Ive even thumped it on the edge of the sink.

But no way can I get the top off this specimen jar!

A woman goes to a doctor to discuss her husbands infertility problem. The doctor says, Just give your husband these Viagra pills in his next meal and stand back.

The woman goes home and hands the pills to her cook who was preparing dinner for a dinner party later that night. The woman says to the cook, Just put two of these in my husbands dinner tonight.

As the woman walks out of the kitchen the cook thinks, Sure, like I got nothing better to do, and she throws the whole bunch into the soup.

As the guests were sitting down to dinner, the cook comes out of the kitchen and advises the lady of the house that she must speak to her in that there is a big problem in the kitchen. The lady of the house follows the cook into the kitchen and demands to know what is going on.

The cook admits to throwing all the pills into the soup and cries, I dont know what to do, the meat balls have doubled in size and the vermicelli is standing straight up!

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat.

As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, Sit with my wife. You two have alot in common.

How to Argue and Win Every Time

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an

argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they dont even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:

*Drink liquor.

Suppose you are at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If youre drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, youll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large martinis, youll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. Youll be a WEALTH of information. Youll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.

*Make things up.

Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove that Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and youll be damned if youre going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DONT say: I think Peruvians are underpaid. Say instead: The average Peruvians salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level.

NOTE: Always make up exact figures.

If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up too. Say: This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moons study for the Buford Commission published on May 9, 1982. Didnt you read it? Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say, You left your soiled underwear in my bathroom.

*Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases.

Memorize this list:

Let me put it this way

In terms of

Vis-a-vis

Per se

As it were

Qua

So to speak

You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as Q.E.D., e.g., and i.e. These are all short for I speak Latin, and you dont.

Heres how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say, Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they dont have enough money.

You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say, Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D.

Only a fool would challenge that statement.

*Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.

You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:

Youre begging the question.

Youre being defensive.

Dont compare apples to oranges.

What are your parameters?

This last one is especially valuable. Nobody (other than engineers and policy wonks) has the vaguest idea what parameters means.

Heres how to use your comebacks:

You say: As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873…

Your opponent says: Lincoln died in 1865.

You say: Youre begging the question.

You say: Liberians, like most Asians…

Your opponent says: Liberia is in Africa.

You say: Youre being defensive.

*Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.

This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say, That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say, or You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler.

So thats it. You now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull any of this on people who generally carry weapons.

by Every guy in America:

1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet UP when you are done.

2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include

something from each of the four major male food groups:*** Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.***

3. Dont make him hold your purse in the mall.

4. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.

5. Shopping is not fascinating.

6. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.

7. Unless the answer is yes.

8. In which case, can he videotape it?

9. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.

10. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.

11. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.

12. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.

13. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble .. (ie Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.

14. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.

15. He heard you the first time.

16. You know, YOU can ask HIM out too… Lets spread the rejection around a little.

17. If you truly want honesty, dont ask questions you dont really want the answer to.

18. Of COURSE he wants another beer.

19. The guy doesnt ALWAYS have to sleep on the wet spot.

20. Dogs good. Cats bad.

21. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.

22. If he has to sit through Legends of the Fall, you have to sit through Showgirls.

23. Fine. is not an acceptible way to end an argument.

24. Do not question a mans innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.

25. He was not looking at that other girl.

26. Well, okay… maybe a little.

27. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy…

28. There is nothing inherently wrong with the word motorcycle.

29. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met.

30. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.

31. Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.

32. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an orgasm.

33. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.

34. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.

35. Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it.

36. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.

37. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one youre with.

38. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them all.

39. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.

40. Dont hog the covers.

41. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that…

42. He does not just want to be friends.

43. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence:

Some time ago, I was taking a ground school class for private pilots.
During the sessions on weather, the instructor wanted to discuss the concept
of sublimation – the act of going from a gas to a solid skipping the
intermediate stage(s). e.g., frost – water vapor in the air becoming a
solid on surfaces without first going through the liquid stage.

Wanting to see if the class had understood the concept, the instructor asked
if anyone could provide an example of something that went straight from a
solid to a gas (expecting dry ice as the answer), a previously unknown
section of my mind took control of my mouth and immediately emitted the word
burrito.

It took the instructor about 10 minutes to regain an academic composure.

There was these two old men sitting in one of the old mens house. They havent had sex in 20 years… The first old man then said,I have an idea…Lets go to the whore house and have sex with a young lady! The other old man agreed and they went to the whore house and went to the lady up front and asked her for one woman each to have sex with.. The lady behind the counter thought,well my girls are to good for these old mean,so Ill give them blow up dolls…They wont know the difference. So she gave them each a blow up doll and the old men thought they were real living girls.. They went to a room did their business and came out and went home.. On the way home the 1st old man said,You know..when i was doing my business i think that girl was dead,she didnt say anything,move or anything..Just laid there he looekd at the other old man and said,what do you think? The other old man looked at him and said,I think mine was a witch.. the first old man asked,Why you say that? and the 2nd old man responded,Because when I bit her on the boob she farted and flew out the window.

Why wont men ever pick up after themselves?

Why should we? It doesnt really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well youll pick it up.





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Whats with all the belching and farting?

This usually only occurs after months of courting. Its our way to let you know that were comfortable with you. Believe it or not, its actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.





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Why do men hate shopping?

Its an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? err… Buying?





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Why cant men ever leave the toilet seat down?

Have you ever seen one of us pee? The proper position of the toilet seat is up. Mathematically speaking, the proper position of the toilet seat is a function of the time spent peeing over the time spent sitting. The closer that ratio approaches one, the truer the proposition. Besides, its actually a courtesy that we lift the seat. Why would we care if we pee all over the seat. Youre the ones that have to sit on it. You should appreciate the fact that we actually lift the darn thing. We aim to please.





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Why do men find blonde bimbos attractive?

Are you kidding? Even leaving the physical aside, blonde bimbos are generally much easier to get along (alone) with. They like having fun and doing exciting things. They dont walk around with the weight of the world on their shoulders. They dont ever give us a hard time for being a dumb male; and plus they laugh at most of our jokes (even the ones they dont get). What more could any of us males ask for?





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Why do men act like they own the remote control?

What do you mean act? We do; possession is nine tenth of the law. Besides, it is an awesome responsibility not to be entrusted to just anyone. I believe the only fair way to decide who gets the remote control is to arm wrestle for it.





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Why cant men stay on a single channel for more than two seconds?

Are you kidding? What if there is something good on the next channel? We could miss it if we stay on one channel for too long. (See also: Why do men fear commitment?)





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Why do men fear commitment?

Dont be so surprised. Yes; most of us do know what commitment means and can spell it correctly. Its like an automobile. No matter how good you think this years model is, theyre always coming out with newer, faster, better, sleeker, and sexier models. We simply cannot be expected to purchase the first one we see. We must browse around a bit and test drive a few. Who wants to end up with a lemon? At least a car, theres a slight chance of it eventually becoming a classic. It simply makes much more sense to lease and upgrade to the younger… err… I mean newer models every couple of years. Some of them come with fun extras like dual air bags.





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What does it mean when men say, Im just not ready for a relationship right now or I dont want a girl friend?

It means that we like you enough to sleep with you, but not enough so that we want to see you repeatedly.





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What does it mean when men say, Can we just be friends?

Generally, it means that the recipient of said comment is physically repulsive enough that no beer goggles may be thick enough to provide adequate protection.





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Do all men really masturbate?

Yes. It is genetically inherited behavior. Its been passed on from our most primal forefathers, and itll be passed on to our sons.





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Why do men generally have greater upper body strength?

Several factors are at work, namely evolution, heredity, nutrition, and environment. (See also: Do all men really masturbate?)





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Why do men generally have better hand-eye or spatial coordinate motor coordination?

It is like with all things. Practice… Practice… Practice… (See also: Do all men really masturbate?)





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Why are men so obsessed with beautiful women?

As opposed to what? Really ugly women? Face it, if men were obsessed with ugly women, there would be just as much bitching about why men are so obsessed with ugly women. No matter how you set this up, some people are always going to be left out. I dont see anyone screaming about equal treatment for the stupid people either.





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Why do men like younger women?

Well, lets see. Besides the fact that they like older men, theyre easily impressed. Theyre also perky, energetic, and come with very little baggage. And gravity has less prevail over their bodies.





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Why do men only have one thing on their minds?

While technically correct, this statement is not strictly true. We may only be able to entertain one idea at a time, but we do think of lots of other things besides sex, such as sports and beer. We also get hungry quite often.





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How can men possibly find that other woman attractive (i.e. whatever do you see in that fat pig)?

Even if you happen to be Cindy Crawford, once we get the idea that you are ours, other women suddenly become much more attractive and you lose a few attractiveness points. Im a bit puzzled by this one myself. I think evolution is to blame. We men are just innocent bystanders in the war of the selfish genes. You should love us despite our inherent weakness.





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Why are men such dogs?

I resent that. Dogs are faithful… loyal… affectionate… and obedient…

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Texas!
Texas who?
Texas are getting higher every year!

Sure fire signs that your cow has mad-cow disease…

Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.

She refuses to let you milk her, saying Not on the first date.

Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.

Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.

Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cows body.

Your cow demands to be branded with the Golden Archs Logo.

Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.

Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows.

Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King.

She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia.

Your cow joins the Hells Angels because, hey, it already has a cool leather jacket.

Your cow starts smoking its grass rather than eating it.

Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position chanting MOO backwards.

Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you started feeding it Hershey bars.

Your cow asks you to brand it again but only if youll wear something sexy this time.

Your cow purposely blinds itself with a dart and yells Bullseye!

Your cow becomes a Muslim and asks to be called LaCream Abdul Milkbar.

Your cow insists Milk Duds are the result of stupid cows.

Your cow starts laughing hysterically until milk spurts out its nose.

You find your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.

Your cow keeps wanting to chew other cows cuds.

Your cow believes it could really jump over the moon like in the nursery rhyme if it had a really good run at it.