Old and New Jokes

Q: How many neural nets does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: f(x) = delta Sum log (HOUSE) / d(HOUSE)

An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband.

The mother asks the daughter: What are you doing naked?

The daughter responds: This is the dress of love.

When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband.

When her husband arrives, he asks her: What are you doing naked, woman?

She responds: This is the dress of love.

And he says to her: Well, go iron it first.

When the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of
heaven. Sorry, old man, Peter said, But I cant let you in.
You see the big book here says you committed one unpardonable sin
back in 1978 — You took the Lords name in vain during a golf game.

Oh, yes. Ill never forget that one, and Im terribly sorry Peter,
but I can explain…, the old golfer blithered.

Well, said Peter, Youll have to take it up with The Big Guy.

So Peter led the old golfer down a long golden hallway, to Gods
office. Weve got another code 6 here, sir! Says he can explain…

So, booms God, Youve been taking my name in vain.

Only once, your Almighty, Sir. But I can explain!

OK. Try me, replied the Lord.

Well you see sir, I was playing my best game of golf ever, and I
made it to the 18th hole, and Id win the tournament if I could
just make par on this hole. I made my shot from the
tee, and it was sailing beautifully, when suddenly the wind
shifted, and took my ball off into the woods, and right behind
this enormous oak tree…

And thats when you took my name in vain?

Oh, no, sir! I just took out my 6 iron and knocked that ball
clear out of the woods with one swing! It was gliding beautifully
toward the green, when suddenly it lost speed, and dropped into
a sand trap, right smack in the middle of a deep hole…

So, that is when you took my name in vain?

No, not then. I just took out my nine, and with one swing, drove
that ball right onto the green, and it rolled within two inches of the
hole…

Dont tell me you missed a goddamn two inch putt!

Whats a blondes idea of safe sex?

A man was driving down the freeway when his car phone rang.Answering, he heard his wifes voice urgently warning him, Herman, Ijust heard on the news that theres a car going the wrong way onRoute 280. Please be careful!Its not just ONE car, said Herman, Its hundreds of them!

Dont look now, but something between us really smells.

Se van al infierno un mujeriego, un borracho y un fumador. Al llegar son recibidos por el diablo, quien les dice:

No se preocupen, muchachos, aquí en el infierno todo es felicidad. Miren, para que vean que es cierto a ti mujeriego te voy a dar un dormitorio lleno de hermosas mujeres; a ti, borracho, te doy un dormitorio lleno de cajas de cerveza, y a ti, fumador, te doy una tonelada de cajetillas de cigarrillos y yo regreso dentro de 10 años a ver como se encuentran.

Se cumplieron los 10 años y el diablo regresó como había prometido, entonces abre la puerta del dormitorio del mujeriego y lo encuentra feliz y el mujeriego le dice: diablo dame más mujeres que éstas ya me han aburrido, y el diablo le da mas mujeres.

Luego va a ver al borracho y lo encuentra con las 2000 cajas de cervezas vacías, con una botella en mano. Entonces el borracho le dice: Hip… hip… Diablo, mándame más cerveza que me han quedado cortas, y el diablo le da más cerveza.

Por último va a ver al fumador y lo encuentra muy molesto y el diablo le pregunta: ¿qué pasa?, te veo molesto ¿por qué, si te he dado una tonelada de cigarrillos?

Y le responde el fumador:

¡Sí, pero te olvidaste de darme los fósforos!

[Ed: This is a collection of the better shuttle jokes, presented long after the
tragedy. You may well have heard of these. There are more, but Im not
posting them. As usual, do not send any extras to me, and since the
submitter asked to be anonymous, you cant send to him either. ]

SHUTTLE JOKES

Q: Did you know that Christa McAuliffe was blue eyed?
A: One blew left and one blew right.

Q: What were Christa McAuliffes last words?
A: Whats this button do?

Q: What were Christa McAuliffes last words to her husband?
A: You feed the kids – Ill feed the fish.

Q: What was the Shuttles last transmission?
A: I said BUD LITE!

Q: What does NASA stand for?
A1: Need Another Seven Astronauts
A2: Need Another Shuttle Also
A3: Chicken Kiev [Ed: Punchline to another joke.]

Q: Did you know why there was only one black crew member on Challenger?
A: They didnt know it was going to blow up.

Q: Did you know that NASA has a new space drink?
A: Ocean Spray – It was their second choice because they couldnt
get 7-UP.

Q: When the next shuttle launches into space, what will the senior
controller say?
A: 72, 73, 74 BOOM! – Just kidding guys!

Q: What do Playtex tampon users and Christa McAuliffe have in common?
A: They both should have stayed on the pad.

Q: What does a sea lion, the space shuttle and Tylenol have in common?
A: Theyre all looking for a tight seal.

Q: How many people will fit in a Florida Volkswagen?
A: Four in the seats and seven in the ashtray.

Q: On future shuttle missions, why will one of the astronauts have to
be a naval officer?
A: So when they decide to use it as an experimental submarine, theyll
have a rated officer onboard.

Q: What do Christa McAuliffe and Donna Rice have in common.
A: They both went down on the challenger.

Q: Did you hear that they are sending up another teacher on the next
shuttle mission?
A: Shes going to be a substitute.

After my husband
asked me to help him shed some unwanted pounds, I stopped serving fattening
TV snacks and substituted crisp celery.
While he was unenthusiastically munching on a stalk one night, a commercial
caught his attention. As he watched longingly, a woman spread gooey chocolate
frosting over a freshly baked cake.
When it was over, my husband turned to me. "Did you ever notice,"
he asked, "that they never advertise celery on TV?"

Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?

A1:

10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.

A2: Three. . . one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.

A3: Two. . . one to make batter and one to peel the M&Ms.