Old and New Jokes

Once upon a time there were two men who had gone cliff climbing. Suddenly, one man lost his footing and went tumbling down to the bottom. The other man frantically screamed, Roger!, and was relieved to hear a faint reply.

Okay Rodge, shouted Barry, Im gonna throw a rope down to you, so wrap it round one of your legs and.. but before he could finish, he heard Roger call But both my legs are broke.

Barry suggested his arms, to which the reply was Theyre broken too! So finally, Roger held on with his mouth. Barry struggled to pull up the rope, and when he was nearly there, Barry said, You right there mate? to which Rodger replied,YYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS……..

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.



Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.



Heres a copy of the service, he said impatiently. But youll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.



During the service, the minister paused and said, Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.



At that moment, the substitute organist played The Star-Spangled Banner.



And that is how the substitute organist became the permanent organist!

It was time for the final and the student depending upon getting at least one right answer on the chemistry test.

The question was If h20 if water, what is h204?

This was a quick question for most, but it took the student some thinking time.

Finally, he wrote down his answer: For drinking, washing, and cleaning.

Maintains professional attitude: A snob.

Meticulous in attention to detail: A nitpicker.

Mover and shaker: Favors steamroller tactics without regard for other opinions.

¿Cuáles son las tres mentiras más grandes que un hombre le dice a su mujer?

1. Siempre te voy a querer.

2. Nunca te seré infiel.

3. ¡Chupa, chupa que yo te aviso!

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered
hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a while he started
advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.

Its O.K., he replied, its written in the Bible.

So after a wild night of you-know-what the hat check girl asked to see where
in the Bible it says its okay.

The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where
someone wrote in pencil – The hat check girl puts out!

Y. O. D. A (To the Village Peoples Y. M. C. A)

(As sung by master Yoda, on meeting Luke Skywalker).

YOUNG MAN, I saw your ship come down. I said

YOUNG MAN, now its muddy and brown. I said

YOUNG MAN, put your weapon away, cause I

*MEAN* *YOU* *NO* *HARM* *I* *SAY*

YOUNG MAN, Theres no need to feel fear. I am

WONDERIN, tell me why are you here? How you

GROWIN, from this food on the plate, I say

*WARS* *DO* *NOT* *MAKE* *ONE* *GREAT*

You must be here to see Y. O. D. A

You must be here to see Y. O. D. A.

Hes 900 years old!

Hes so strong in the Force!

Do your Jedi Diploma course!

You must be here to see Y. O. D. A

You must be here to see Y. O. D. A

Come and get yourself clean!

Come and have a good meal!

Pretty soon now, the Force youll feel!

YOUNG MAN, you fell out of the sky, into

SOMETHIN brown that smells like a sty, and this

TIN CAN started swimming and then, he got

*SPAT* *OUT* *LIKE* *SOME* *THROAT* *PHLEGM*

YOUNG MAN, Welcome to Dagobah. He is

COMIN, master Yoda not far. Ill be

HAVIN this bright thing that aint hot. It is

*MINE* *OR* *ILL* *HELP* *YOU* *NOT*

You must be here to see Y. O. D. A

You must be here to see Y. O. D. A.

Hes 900 years old!

Hes so strong in the Force!

Do your Jedi Diploma course!

You must be here to see Y. O. D. A

You must be here to see Y. O. D. A

Dont just stand in the rain!

Youre all covered with mud!

come and sample my homemade crud!

OLD BEN, Are you listenin to me? I cant

TRAIN HIM, hes so reckless you see! Like his

OLD MAN, hes so angry but brave! Betcha

*HE* *SCREWS* *UP* *AT* *THE* *CAVE*

YOUNG MAN, If you start will you end, or be

GOING, off to save all your friends? To be

TRAINING, needs commitment and work, if you

*WIMP* *OUT* *THEN* *YOURE* *A* *JERK*

You gotta stay here with Y. O. D. A

You gotta stay here with Y. O. D. A

You should stay here and train!

You dont have to save Han!

If you do so, youll lose your hand!

You gotta stay here with Y. O. D. A.

(repeat and fade).

Q: The perfect man, the perfect woman, and Santa Claus are in a car driving down the road and there is a fatal accident. There in only one survivor. Who is it?

A: The perfect woman – Santa Claus is made up and theres no such thing as the perfect man!

A Hillbilly familys only son had saved up money to go to college and after about 3 years he came back home. They were sitting around the dinner table when the dad said, Well son, you done gone to college so you must be perty smart. Why dont you speak some math fer us? Ok, Pa, the son said then, Pi R squared. After a moment the Dad said, Why son, they aint teached ya nothin! Pie are round, cornbread are square.

your mamma is so ugly, when she was born, she had an incubator with tinted windows, your mamma is so ugly, the doctors still smacking her ass. your mamma is so funky, she used secret and it told on her. your mammas drawls is so funky, roaches checkin in but not out. your mamma is so fat, cant wear daisy dukes, wears boss hoggs. your mamma is so fat, police use her as a road block. your mamma is so fat, needs a six-piece bikini. your mamma is so old, she reads the bible and reminises. your mammas cooking is so bad, the homeless gives it back. your mamma is so short, her feet swings on the toilet.