Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work. The first one said, I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside them is numbered. I think librarians are the easiest, said the second. When you open them up, all their organs are arranged alphabetically. The third surgeon said, I prefer to operate on electricians. Their organs are color-coded. Youre all wrong, said, the fourth. Lawyers are easiest. Theyre heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and asses are interchangeable.
11
Dec
11
Dec
Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat.
Just before take-off a fat, little Jewish guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, I think Ill go up and get a coke.
(Shuttle flights do not have cabin attendants, but you probably knew that.)
No problem, said the Jew. Ill get it for you.
While he was gone the Arab picked up the Jews shoe and spit in it.
The Jew brought back the coke, when the other Arab said, That looks good. Think Ill have one too.
Again, the Jew obligingly goes to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab picks up the other shoe and spits in it.
The Jew returns with the coke, and they all sit back and enjoy the short flight. When the plane was landing the Jew slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
How long must this go on? he asked. This enmity between our peoples … this hatred … this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes!?!
11
Dec
A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?
The cowboy says, I want to see my horse. The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horses ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, Typical white man – can only think of one thing.
The second day, the chief says, What your wish today? The cowboy says, I want to see my horse again. The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the back. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy.
The Indians shake their heads, figuring, Typical white man – going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing.
The last day comes, and the chief says, This your last wish, white man. What you want? The cowboy says, I want to see my horse again.
The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!
11
Dec
Heres something I got (appropriately) over the net from someone,
who got it from someone, who in turn got it from somebody else. I
have no idea who originally wrote it.
Think of the Internet as a highway.
There it is again. Some clueless fool talking about the Information
Superhighway. They dont know didley about the net. Its nothing
like a superhighway. Thats a rotten metaphor.
Suppose the metaphor ran in the other direction. Suppose the highways
were like the net. . .
A highway hundreds of lanes wide. Most with pitfalls for potholes.
Privately operated bridges and overpasses. No highway patrol. A
couple of rent-a-cops on bicycles with broken whistles. 500 member
vigilante posses with nuclear weapons. A minimum of 237 on ramps at
every intersection. No signs. Wanna get to Ensenada? Holler out
the window at a passing truck to ask directions. Ad hoc traffic
laws. Some lanes would vote to make use by a single-occupant-
vehicle a capital offense on Monday through Friday between 7:00 and
9:00. Other lanes would just shoot you without a trial for talking
on a car phone.
AOL would be a giant diesel-smoking bus with hundreds of ebola
victims on board throwing dead wombats and rotten cabbage at the other
cars, most of which have been assembled at home from kits. Some are
built around 2.5 horsepower lawnmower engines with a top speed
of nine miles an hour. Others burn nitrogylcerin and idle at 120.
No license plates. World War II bomber nose art instead. Terrifying
paintings of huge teeth or vampire eagles. Bumper mounted machine
guns. Flip somebody the finger on this highway and get a white
phosphorus grenade up your tailpipe. Flatbed trucks cruise around
with anti-aircraft missile batteries to shoot down the traffic
helicopter. Little kids on tricycles with squirtguns filled with
hydrochloric acid switch lanes without warning.
NO OFFRAMPS. None.
Now thats the way to run an Interstate Highway system.
11
Dec
There once was this blonde riding a horse. After a while it began to speed up. She was hanging on by the tail and cut her forehead open. After a long struggle, she was able to climb back onto the horse. She then fell off the side and got her foot caught. The horse was now dragging her. She finally got back on the horse with a broken ankle, bruises all over, and she was bleeding from three different spots. Finally, the horse came to a complete stop. Thank goodness that the manager of the K-mart came out and shut the machine off.
11
Dec
Q: Whats the difference between an ugly girl and garbage?
A: Garbage gets picked up.
11
Dec
Optional M.O.M. technology automatically yells at you to Go outside and get some fresh air for every hour of game play.
Built-in catheter helps extend those marathon DOOM sessions!
Makes you feel really cool for a couple of weeks, with nearly twice as many Ill be your best friend offers!
Broadband access enables joystick to double as a SCUD missile launcher.
You can play it naked!
Razzes you about how your country still cant even manufacture a decent television set.
Panic button switches the screen to porn whenever your wife walks in the room, so she wont think youre a game geek.
Timer automatically counts down to exact moment of obsolescence.
Groundbreaking, truly interactive technology allows you to use your own penis, or that of a friend, as a joystick.
New Campaign 2000 edition has an Al Gore thats 33% more lifelike than the original, a George W. Bush with realistic SnortSurround sound, and a Ralph Nader which doesnt do anything for itself, but helps destruct competing models.
Special butter churn attachment for Elijahs Virtual Churnmaster 3000 results in awesome, realistic butter churning!
Label on underside has cool recipe for vegan babaganoush.
Secret command sequence causes head of annoying dweeb who lives next door to explode.
CPU now draws a full 75% of its power from your pent-up sexual frustration.
and Topfive.coms Number 1 Cool Feature of the Sony PlayStation 2 …
Highspeed internet access allows you to play online with other losers who paid $1000 for a friggin toy.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]
11
Dec
Q: How many banjo players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only 1, but all the others gathered round will complain that thats not the way EARL (Scruggs) would have done it.
10
Dec
A priest decides to pay a visit to a nearby convent. The convent is in a run-down neighborhood, and as the priest walks down the street several prostitutes approach and proposition him.
Twenty bucks a trick!
These solicitations embarrass the priest who lowers his head and hurries on until he gets to the convent. Once inside he displays his naiveté by asking the Mother Superior, What is a trick?
She answers, Twenty bucks — just like on the street.
10
Dec
Un tontilandés le dice a otro:
Hombre, ¡tenés una banana en la oreja!
¿Qué?
¡Tenés una banana en la oreja!
¿Que decÃs?
¡Que tenés una banana en la oreja!
¡Háblame del otro lado que tengo una banana en la oreja y no te escucho!