There were three pigs and a blonde in a bar. The first pig asks: are blondes really stupid?
no: says the blonde.
The second pig asks:are blondes really stupid?
no:says the blonde
the third pig walks up to her and asks are blondes really stupid.
no: says the blonde
the third pig says: well…im gonna ask that burnette over there!!!!!
John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. Would you like a new Mink Coat? he asks.
Not really, says Mary.
Well how about a new Mercedes sports car? says John.
No, she responds.
What about a new vacation home in the country? he suggests.
She again rejects his offer with a No thanks.
Well what would you like for your anniversary? John asks.
John, Id like a divorce, answers Mary.
Sorry, I wasnt planning to spend that much, says John.
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
52. Send secret admirer notes on your roommates Email.
A man was complaining to his coworker about a terrible headache he was experiencing. The coworker said, When I have a bad headache, I just lay my head on my girlfriends bosom for a while, and it goes away. You really should try it.
The next day, the man with the headache said to his coworker, You know, your advice about how to get rid of my headache was great! After work last night, I did just exactly what you said, and my headache disappeared after just a little while! Oh, by the way, your girlfriend has a really nice apartment!
There were these three models going by air to a photo shoot, Elle Mcpherson, Cindy Crawford, and Naomi Campbell.
Halfway through the flight the plane had engine trouble, the pilot warned the girls to assume the crash position, just in case they went down.
Elle put on more make-up saying, They always rescued the beautiful ones first.
Cindy donned her jewelery claiming, They would rescue the richest one first, upon which Naomi, threw off all her clothes, pressing herself against the window saying Youre both wrong, the first thing they look for is the Black Box!
As you are receiving my note by e-mail, its wise to remember how easily this
wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious
consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of
Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was
planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided
to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he
did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and
his note was directed instead to an elderly preachers wife whose husband had
passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor,
let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound,
her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL
TOMORROW.
P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE
Contrary to popular belief, Gods last name is not damn.
A man walks into a bar with his dog and puts the dog on a barstool. The bartender asks the man what he wants to drink.
Ill have a bourbon and Coke!
The man then turns to his dog and asks, What are you going to have, Rover?
Ill have a Scotch and soda – light on the soda, says Rover.
The bartender is skeptical about the dog talking. Come on, he says, that dog cant talk – youre a ventriloquist!
No, Rover can really talk! While I am in the restroom, you can have a conversation with him yourself – but dont let him out of your sight. He is a very valuable dog.
The man goes to the restroom. When he returns, the dog is gone.
Hey, wheres my dog? I told you not to let him out of your sight.
Aw, I didnt believe that Rover could talk, so I gave him a quarter and sent him to the drug store to buy me a paper.
Lets go look for him, said the man.
The two went to the drugstore – no Rover. They walked up and down nearby alleys and streets – no dog! Finally, they found Rover in an alley on top of another dog, pumping away.
Pointing his finger at Rover, the man says angrily, How come you are doing this? You have never done this before!
First time I ever had any money!
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
NAME______________________________________
DATE OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT____________ WEIGHT_____________ IQ__________
GPA_____________
SOCIAL SECURITY #____________________
DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_____________________________
HOME ADDRESS__________________________
CITY/STATE___________ ZIP_____
Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent?__________
If NO, explain_________________________________________
____________________________________________________
Number of years married________If less than your age,
Explain______________________________________________
____________________________________________________
Do you own a van?_____ A truck with oversized tires?_____
A waterbed?__________ A pickup with a mattress in the back?______
A condom?______ Pornography?_______ Do you have earring, nose ring,
or a belly button ring?________ A tattoo?___________
(IF YES TO THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES)
In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?
_____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does DONT TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to you?
_____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?
_____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
Church you attend______________________________________
How often you attend_______
When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, and
priest?_____________
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential. (that means I wont tell anyone EVER)
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be
__________________________________________________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my
__________________________________________________________
C: A womans place is in the
__________________________________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is
__________________________________________________________
E: When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is
__________________________________________________________
NOTE: if answer E begins with T or A, discontinue. Leaving premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.
What do you want to do IF you grow up
__________________________________________________________________________
What is the current going rate of a hotel room?_______________
Condoms come in A: 3 B: 6 C: 9 D: 12 E: ALL OFTHE ABOVE
(circleone)
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN HAND TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
_______________________________________
Signature (that means sign your name moron)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably cant, and it would cause you injury) If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might watch your back).
After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.
How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive! Washington, slapping Osama in the face.
Patrick Henry comes up from behind. You wanted to end the Americans liberty, so they gave you death! Henry punches Osama on the nose.
James Madison comes up next, and says This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense! He drops a large weight on Osamas knee.
Osama is subject to similar beatings from James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.
As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams – this is not what I was promised!
An angel replies I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you…
What the hell did you think I said?