Old and New Jokes

Bruce and Joe were down on their luck and needed a beer.After checking their pockets and finding only 50 cents,Bruce came up with a brilliant idea.

Ill take the 50 cents and show you how we can drink all day for free! He went into a butchers shop and bought a single sausage,which he stuck in Joes fly. They then went to a nearby bar.

Two beers, said Bruce to the barman. They downed the beers as fast as they could and the barman waited for the money. All of a sudden, Bruce got down on his knees and began sucking the sausage hanging out of Joes fly.

Get out of my bar, you gay bastards! the barman screamed and booted them out the door. They did this all day, going to about 16 bars and getting thrown out before paying for their beers.

I just cant do this anymore, Bruce whined.

My knees are getting sore from kneeling down on the floor so much. Well have to swap places.

We cant, said Joe.

We lost the sausage after the third pub.

USOS Y ABUSOS DE LA PALABRA MIERDA:

Ubicación geográfica: ¡vete a la mierda!

valor dietético: ¡come mierda!

adjetivo calificativo: ¡eres una mierda!

egocentrismo: se cree la gran mierda

venganza: ¡hagámoslo mierda!

accidente: ¡se hizo mierda!

efecto visual: ¡no se ve ni mierda!

sentido del olfato: huele a mierda

metamorfosis: chocó y se hizo mierda

especulación: ¡que sera esa mierda!

superlativo: purísima mierda

insatisfacción sexual: esa tipa es una mierda

sorpresa: ¿que mierda es eso? ¡mierda!

egoísmo: no me regaló ni una mierdita

sentido del gusto: tiene gusto a mierda

ánimos: apúrate con esa mierda

despectivo: no se que se cree la mierda esa

World War III. The US has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: ATTACK OR RETREAT?

The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES.



The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT?



Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR.

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

Air Head Fired

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Iowa!
Iowa who?
Iowa you a dollar!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

139. When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and yell, Oh, youre here! Walk away yelling and complaining.

33. If you get more sleep in class than in your room

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, Daaady!

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the no haggle attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, Maybe Ill just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!

The shopkeeper said, By all means, be my guest. Maybe youll luck out and catch yourself a big one!

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, – Damn it, this one isnt wearing any shoes either!!!

Why Dogs are Better than Women:

Dogs dont cry. Dogs love it when your friends come over. Dogs dont care if you use their shampoo. Dogs think you sing great. A dogs time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink. Dogs dont expect you to call when you are running late, and the later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you. Dogs dont care if you play with other dogs. Dogs dont notice if you call them by another dogs name. Dogs are excited by rough play. Dogs dont mind if you give their offspring away. Dogs love red meat. Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair. Anyone can get a good-looking dog. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs dont hate it. Dogs dont shop. Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor. A dogs disposition stays the same all month long. Dogs never need to examine the relationship. A dogs parents never visit. Dogs love long car trips. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions. Dogs know that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted. When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it. Dogs dont hate their bodies. No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album. No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood. Dogs never criticize. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. Dogs never expect gifts. Its legal to keep a dog chained up at your house. Dogs dont worry about germs. Dogs dont want to know about every other dog you ever had. Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer. Dogs dont let magazine articles guide their lives. Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than lobster. You never have to wait for a dog. Theyre ready to go 24 hours a day. Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry. Dogs dont borrow your shirts. Dogs never want foot-rubs. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public. Dogs find you amusing when youre drunk. Dogs cant talk. Dogs arent catty.