My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
11
Nov
11
Nov
Forwarded from a snow-bound friend in Washington
December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea Ive ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, well definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says well have so much snow by the end of winter, that Ill never want to see snow again. I dont think thats possible. Bob is such a nice man. Im glad hes our neighbor.
December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didnt realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but Ill certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldnt huff and puff so.
December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wifes car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think thats silly. We arent in Alaska, after all.
December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I shouldve bought a wood stove, but wont admit it to her. God I hate it when shes right. I cant believe Im freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20
Electricitys back on, but had another 14 of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said theyre too busy playing hockey. I think theyre lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and theyre out. Might have another shipment in March. I think theyre lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think hes lying.
December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and its so cold it probably wont melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says hes too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
December 23
Only 2 of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she … nuts??? Why didnt she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think shes damn well lying.
December 24
6. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, Ill drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where Ive just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.
December 25
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.
December 26
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. Shes really getting on my nerves.
December 28
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. Thats the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30
Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother . 9 predicted.
December 31
Set fire to whats left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
11
Nov
Some biological researcher experimented with a flea. He puts it on the table and says: Jump!
The flea jumps 3 meters, so he writes down to his log: The flea has jumped 3 meters.
Afterwards he cuts one of its legs off and says again: Jump!
The flea jumps only 2 meters, so he writes down to the log: The flea has jumped 2 meters.
Then he again cuts one more leg, again says: Jump!
It jumped 1.5 meters, which was also registered in the log.
He continued cutting the fleas legs until there were no legs left, he puts it on the table and says: Jump!
The flea doesnt move.
He says again: Jump!
It doesnt move.
So he writes down After removing all legs of the flea, the flea loses its ability to hear.
11
Nov
The out-of-state couple are camping on the shores of a lake
near a tiny hamlet. The young wife, stunningly built, decides
to give the local town folk a thrill by sun bathing in the nude.
Thats OK with me, honey, says her husband. Ill go get
some wood for the fire.
About thirty minutes later, the husband returns to the campsite
and finds his wife in tears. One of her breasts has been
painted green, the other red and her ass is blue. What on
earth happened to you dear? he asks.
Some of those rednecks from town came over and told me they
dont allow any nakedness around these parts. Then they gave
me this paint job!
Damn those trouble-makers! Ill fix them! the husband shouts.
He rides into town and finds the rednecks in a bar. Who is
the SOB who painted my wife red, green and blue! he shouts.
A huge redneck, about 6-8, steps forward, a shotgun in his
hands. I did it, he bellows. What you got to say about it?
The husband answers meekly, I just wanted you to know the
first coat of paint is dry.
11
Nov
Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at
their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that
revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding,
100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100 per cent of
the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly
emotional, couldnt drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and
refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
11
Nov
I just bought some Gravol for my kids. Its even called Gravol for Children. It has dosage information for children 2 to under 6 years, and for children 6 to under 12 years. There is no dosage information for anybody older than 12 years old. But there is the following:
Caution: Do not exceed the recommended dosage. May cause drowsiness. Avoid driving a motor vehicle or performing tasks requiring mental alertness. Avoid alcoholic beverages. Do not take if you have: glaucoma, chronic lung disease, difficulty in urination due to an enlargement of the prostate gland, or if you are pregnant or breast-feeding unless directed by a physician. [and some other cautions not quite so inappropriate]
I had to take it back – my chain smoking, alcoholic, pregnant, car driving 6-year-old daughter couldnt take them!
10
Nov
Knock Knock
Whos there?
De Niro!
De Niro who?
De Niro I am to you, the more I like you!
10
Nov
Q: Why does Clinton always have a stupid grin on his face?
A: He is stupid!
10
Nov
Manual práctico para entender el español de los hombres
Si un hombre dice:
Tengo hambre = Tengo hambre.
Tengo sueño = Tengo sueño.
Estoy cansado = Estoy cansado.
Hablemos = Estoy tratando de impresionarte, para que pienses que soy un hombre profundo y accedas a tener sexo conmigo (comprobado).
Pareces tensa, ¿te doy un masaje? = Primero te meto mano, después quiero sexo contigo.
¿Me concedes esta pieza? = Quiero un agarre y después sexo contigo.
¿Te gustarÃa ir al cine conmigo? = Quiero sexo contigo.
¿Quieres cenar conmigo hoy en la noche? = Quiero sexo contigo.
¿Te puedo llamar el viernes? = Quiero sexo contigo.
¿Te quieres casar conmigo? = Quiero que sea ilegal para ti acostarte con otro hombre que no sea yo.
(De compras) sÃ, sÃ, mi amor, te queda bonito = Agárralo de una vez y vámonos ya ¡carajo!
Qué bonito ese vestido = ¡Qué buena estás!
SÃ, sÃ, está bien tu nuevo corte = Te quedaba mejor el anterior.
SÃ, te queda bien el nuevo corte = 100 soles… ¡pa la basura!
Pero, ¿cuál es el problema? = No entiendo la tragedia.
¿Qué te pasa? = ¿Qué trauma psicológico auto-inventado te afecta hoy?
¿Estás molesta? = Me imagino que esta noche, nada de sexo.
Estoy aburrido = Quiero ir a emborracharme con mis amigos.
Te amo = Necesito sexo… ¡ya!
Yo también te amo = Ok, ¿estás contenta? ¿Podemos comenzar con el sexo?
10
Nov
RECEIVED FROM AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR:
This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students:
In-class assignment for Wednesday: Tandem Story. Each person will pair off with the person sitting next to them. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on until both people agree a conclusion has been reached. The story must be coherent, and each paragraph relevant to the prior one.
——————————————-
Rebecca and Gary
English 144A
Creative Writing
Prof. Miller
At first, Laurie couldnt decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who had once said in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question.
Meanwhile, Advance Team Captain Carl Harris was leading his patrol squadron into orbit over Skylon 4. Carl had more important things to think about than the neuroses of that air-headed asthmatic woman named Laurie who, after one sweaty night over three months ago, was still desperately clinging to an illusion of a relationship she had fabricated in her unbalanced mind. Alpha Tango One to Geostation One-Niner-Three, he said into his subspace communicator. Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance… But before he could sign off a bluish plasma beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ships cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit threw him out of his seat and into the cockpit control panel.
He hit his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel, Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth — when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. Why must one lose ones innocence to become a woman? she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anuudrian battleship launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted, bleeding-heart peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the U.N. had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empire who was determined to enslave the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anuudrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet and nothing to stop them. They swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in a submarine off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 15 million other Americans. He slammed his fist on the conference table. I KNEW this would happen! I am exercising my executive privledge to annul that treaty effective IMMEADIATELY! Ready the nukes, were gonna blow those bastards out of the sky!
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
Yeah? Well, youre a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
Asshole.
Bitch.