Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Celery!
Celery who?
Celery me you lunch will you, Im hungry!

Anyone who makes an absolute statement is a fool.

Three women were in a bar talking about their husbands and how they made love.

The first woman said, My husband is a marriage counselor, and before we make love, he brings me flowers and candy. I like that.

The second woman proclaimed, My husband is a mechanic, he makes love a little rough, I like that.

The third woman replied, Well my husband works for Microsoft and all he does is sit on the edge of the bed and tell me how good its going to be when I get it.

A Marine was coming home from the Pentagon one day. He noticed that there was a lot more traffic than normal.

As he got further up the road all of the traffic had come to a halt. He saw a policeman coming towards his car, so he asked the cop what was wrong.

The cop said, Man we are in a crisis situation. Mr. Clinton is in the road very upset. He does not have the $33.5 million that he owes his lawyers, and his family hates him. He is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and start a fire.

The marine asked the cop exactly what he was doing there. The cop said, I feel sorry for the president so I am going car to car asking for donations.

The marine asked, How much do you have so far? The cop replied, Well as of right now only 33 gallons, but many people are still siphoning as we speak!

Whats the difference between a woman and dog at your front door?

The dog will stop barking once you let it in!

Once upon a time in a place where little sperms grow, there was a super jock sperm who spent all his time working out. He did things like lifting weights and running, his most important duty. All the other sperm were very curious about his pastimes.

Why do you keep working out all the time, they asked.

Well, he said, Of all us sperms, only one of us is going to make it to the egg. And that is going to be me. Well, the other sperms just floated around waiting for the day to cum (pardon the expression). And it did, and they were off! All those sperms racing along and far out in front of them was the super jock sperm, racing so fast and so hard (ha HA ) that they couldnt see him any more, but they still kept cumming.

Alas, then, away in the distance, they heard a loud piercing scream. They still kept cumming though.

And then very shortly the super sperm appeared, screaming with all his might, Go back, Go Back! ITS A BLOW JOB!

Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!

Q: How many screenwriters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Why does it *have* to be changed?

En un velorio, un amigo del difunto se acerca a la viuda y le dice:

Lo siento señora, lo siento.

La señora responde:

No gracias, déjelo acostadito nomás.

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, Id like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. Youll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you cant go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?

The first priest says, Ive always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains.



So be it, says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.



The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, Will any of this week count, St. Peter?



No, I told you the computers down. Theres no way we can keep track of what youre doing.



In that case, says the second priest, Ive always wanted to be a stud.



So be it says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.



A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. Will you have any trouble locating them? He asks.



The first one should be easy, says St. Peter. Hes somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult.



Why? asketh the Lord.



Hes on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota.