Old and New Jokes

Q: How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the old one is probably screwed in too tight.

Q Why did the condom fly across the room?

A It got pissed off!!!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Lisbon!
Lisbon who?
Lisbon married eight times!

I am thy DOS, thou shall have no OS before me, unless Bill Gates
gets a cut of the profits therefrom.
Thy DOS is a character based, single user, single tasking,
standalone operating system. Thou shall not attempt to make DOS
network, multitask, or display a graphical user interface, for that
would be a gross hack.
Thy hard disk shall never have more than 1024 sectors. You dont
need that much space anyway.
Thy application program and data shall all fit in 640K of RAM.
After all, its ten times what you had on a CP/M machine. Keep holy
this 640K of RAM, and clutter it not with device drivers, memory
managers, or other things that might make thy computer useful.
Thou shall use the one true slash character to separate thy
directory path. Thou shall learn and love this character, even though
it appears on no typewriter keyboard, and is unfamiliar.
Standardization on where that character is located on a computer
keyboard is right out.
Thou shall edit and shuffle the sacred lines of CONFIG.SYS and
AUTOEXEC.BAT until DOS functions adequately for the likes of you.
Giving up in disgust is not allowed.
Know in thy heart that DOS shall always maintain backward
compatibility to the holy 2.0 version, blindly ignoring opportunities
to become compatible with things created in the latter half of this
century. But you can still run WordStar 1.0.
Improve thy memory, for thou shall be required to remember that
JD031792.LTR is the letter that you wrote to Jane Doe four years ago
regarding the tax deductible contribution that you made to her
organization. The IRS Auditor shall be impressed by thy memory as he
stands over you demanding proof.
Pick carefully the names of thy directories, for renaming them
shall be mighty difficult. While youre at it, dont try to relocate
branches of the directory tree, either.
Learn well the Vulcan Nerve Pinch (ctrl-alt-del) for it shall be
thy saviour on many an occasion. Believe in thy heart that everyone
reboots their OS to solve problems that shouldnt occur in the first place.

…and they see this dog licking his privates. One of the guys turns to his friend and says I wish i could do that. His friend turns to him and says, you probably could but you would have to pet him first.

A young guy had just picked up his first date, and hed been invited round hers for dinner, which he gratefully accepted – however, he had bad flatulence and did not want the family to find this out!

However – upon arrival at his girlfriends – he discovered they had a dog – so he thinks that maybe he can get the dog blamed for his farts if he needs to. As they are sitting around the table eating – he feels one brewing up, he is sitting near the dog though – and he thinks hell try his luck!

Te tries to let the first one out quietly but makes a small noise – the girls mother yells out Spot!!! and he thinks its working!!!. A bit later he needs to do another one – this time he relaxes more and makes a bit more noise this time – again the mother yells out Spot!!! and he thinks hee hee! (or something similar!)

Anyway – after coffee he needs another one – this one is very loud, and the mother yells out Spot!!! Get out of the way before he shits on you!!!

On ICL mainframes, if you start the TPMS ( OLTP ) without creating a new recovery file, it tries to use the old file and then crashes with a message Slot file not virgin

If I try to boot my IBM PC without connecting keyboard, it will say keyboard error, press F1 to continue.

Now how the hell you press F1 when there is no keyboard?

Two nuns were driving down a country road when a naked man jumped out in front of them and began dancing lewdly.

What should we do? one sister frantically asked.

Show him your cross. the other said.

Hey, mister, the first nun yelled, as she rolled down her window, get the fuck out of my way!

Tres señoras están charlando y tomando café. Una de ellas comenta:

Mi hijo es sacerdote y cuando alguien va a la iglesia le dicen: ¡Ay, padre!

Otra de las señoras no se queda callada y afirma:

Ah, sí, pues mi hijo es uno de los seleccionados para ser Papa y cuando lo ven le dicen: ¡Ay, señor!

La tercer mujer no resiste, se para y les presume a las otras dos:

¡Ah, sí, pues mi hijo hace strip-tease y cuando lo ven le gritan: ¡Ay, Dios mío!

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?