Old and New Jokes

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops in a bar for a beer.

As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying NERDS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK! He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says, You smell kind of nerdy, and just what do you do for a living?

The truck driver says, I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers Im hauling.

The bartender says, OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long.

The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver asks, Why did you do that?

The bartender said, Oh, dont worry, the nerds are over-populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You dont even need a license.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, And heads back onto the freeway.

Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway.

He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He cant let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, Whats wrong? I thought nerds were in season.

Sure, said the patrolman, But you cant bait em.

What a woman says:

This place is a mess!

Cmon, you and I need to clean,

Your stuff is lying on the floor

and youll have no clothes to wear

if we dont do laundry right now!



What a man hears:

blah, blah, blah, blah, CMON

blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I

blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR

blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES

blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

There is is this guy and he has three mistresses. Well, he decides that he only wants to have one, so he has to choose. He decides on a way to choose by giving them each $150 and telling them to go off and spend it how they see fit.

The first girl comes back and announces that she has spent the $150 on a complete makeover and new hair-do. The guy thinks that is really nice.

The second girl comes back and announces that she has spent the $150 on a new see through nightie. The guy thinks that is really nice too.

The third girl comes back and puts a wad of money onto the table in front of him. Whats this ? he asks. The girl explains that she has taken the $150 and invested it and made $2000 with it. The guy is really impressed by this but now he has to go away and decide who he will keep. So who do you think he picks ????? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

The one with the biggest BOOBS, of course!

Top10 Reasons E-Mail is Like a Penis:

10. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.

9. Those who have it think that those who dont are somehow inferior.

8. Those who dont have it may agree that its neat, but think its not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.

7. Many of those who dont have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call E-mail Envy.

6. Its more fun when its up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.

5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think thats the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.

4. If you dont take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.

3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

2. If youre not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

And the number one reason Why e-mail is like a penis.

1. If you play with it too much, youll go blind!

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Bette-lou!
Bette-lou who?
Betty-lou a few pounds!

Clinton is out jogging around in some of the seedier areas of Washington D.C. He notices a good looking prostitute. She sees this and calls out: Fifty dollars! He is tempted, but the price is a little high. So he calls back: Five! She is disappointed and turns away and Bill continues his jog.

A few days later, he finds himself jogging in the same area and as luck would have it, the prostitute is still there. But she want not come down on her price. Fifty! she shouts and Bill answers her: Five! No sale.

About a week later, Hillary has decided that she wants to get into shape so she demands to go jogging with Bill. They get to the seedy part of town and the same prostitute is still there. She eyes Bill and Hillary together and yells: See what you get for five dollars!

Yo mamas so ugly, when God was giving out looks she was haging out with Whoopi Goldberg!

A young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered a butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what he was going to do about it? He said hed offer to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
The butcher had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, Ill be 16 tomorrow. I know, said the butcher with a smile, Ive been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat shell get, and watch the expression on her face. When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said, Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!

Did you know?

In ancient England people could not have sex unless they had consent of the king (unless they were in the Royal Family).

When people wanted to have a baby, they had to get the consent of the king, and the king gave them a placard that they hung on their door while they were having sex.

The placard had F.U.C.K. (Fornication Under Consent of the King) written on it.

Hence thats where the word FUCK came from. Now, arent you glad you learned something new today?

Another possibly inaccurate (but more widely accepted) theory is that the word FUCK derives from the old English legal term for fornication, which is For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge.