Old and New Jokes

A blond woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and shes in serious financial trouble. Shes so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray: God, please help me. Ive lost my business and if I dont get some money, Im going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto.

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Brandi again prays: God, please let me win the lotto! Ive lost my business, my house and Im going to lose my car as well.

Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again, she prays: My God, why have you forsaken me? Ive lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I dont often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order.

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself: Brandi, meet me halfway on this. Buy a ticket.

Wife: Okay, todays Friday. Wheres your pay envelope?

Man: I already spent all my pay. I bought something for the house.

Wife: What? What could you buy for the house that cost $480?

Man: Eight rounds of drinks.

This Enron accountant get put into prison. His cellmate is a much larger, more hardened criminal, who greets him and asks; Do

you want ot be the husband tonight or would you prefer to be the wife?





The Enron accountant thinks quickly, and replies, Since I have a choice, Id like to be the husband!





His cellmate grins and says, Good, get over here and suck your wifes cock, NOW!

You Know You Are in a Redneck Church When…

People wonder, when Jesus fed 5000, whether the two fish were bass or
catfish.

People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.

The pastor wears boots.

The preacher says, Id like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering
and five guys stand up.

Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck
because It aint never been in a hole it couldnt get out of.

When it rains, everyone is smiling.

Prayers regarding the weather are standard practice.

The choir group is known as the OK Chorale.

Four generations of the same family sit together in worship.

There is no such thing as a secret sin.

Baptism is referred to as branding.

There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.

Finding and returning lost sheep isnt just a parable.

High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

People think rapture is when you lift something too heavy.

The final words of the benediction are, Yall come back now, yah
hear?

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.

You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home.

Why? asked somebody from the audience.

I watched my wifes routine at dinner for years, the expert explained. She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.

One day I told her, Honey, why dont you try carrying several things at once?

Did it save time? the guy in the audience asked.

Actually, yes, replied the expert. It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner.

Now I do it in ten…

Sally, an employee in a tech company, was having trouble with her computer.

So she called Joe, the computer guy, over to her desk. Joe clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, Sally called after him, So, what was wrong?

And he replied, It was an ID ten T error.

A puzzled expression ran riot over Sallys face. An ID ten T error? Whats that … in case I need to fix it again?

He gave her a grin… 😉 … Havent you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

No, replied Sally.

Write it down, he said, and I think youll figure it out.

(Heres what she wrote…)

I D 1 0 T

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Atlantic?
A: To attend D-Day celebrations.

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing. God nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away (as they say in basketball, nothing but net). A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him.

God smiled. Think about it — who can he tell?

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Grapes!
Grapes who!
Grapes suzette!

A Jewish mother sends her son a red sweater and a blue sweater for Channukkah. He is soon going to visit her but cant figure out which sweater to wear. Having become completely stressed, he finally chooses the blue sweater, puts in on, and heads for his mothers house. She opens the door and instead of making sure he arrived alright, simply asks him, What, you didnt like the red sweater?