Old and New Jokes

Al Gore Disco Fever Costume
Positive Home Pregnancy Test
Jacko-Lantern
Marge Schotts Less Attractive, Slightly More Racist Sister
Evil British Nanny
Janet Reno Little French Maid Outfit
Male Pattern Baldness
Guy Who Ate Too Much Olestra
Flaming Tofu Burrito from Hell on a Stick
President Jesse Helms
Marv Albert, Warrior Princess
Mighty Menstruatin Power Ranger

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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What do you get when you have 50 politicians and 50 lesbians in a room?

100 people that dont do dick!!

What lights up a football stadium?
A football match!

If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls?
Cornflakes!

Why arent football stadiums built in outer space?
Because there is no atmosphere!

Here are some easy lessons gleaned from the experiences of a number of would-be bank robbers…Pick The Right Bank:
You dont want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money.Study Your History:
Dont try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, MN. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk took just seven minutes to kill two and capture three of his
gang. Nobody tried again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy down. Theyre tight with their dollar, those Minnesotans.Speak To The Right Teller:
One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape about it. He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.Dont Sign Your Demand Note:
Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh… on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit. And in East Hartford, CT, on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robbers signature and account number.Dont Advertise:
A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention from her face by wearing a see-through blouse with no bra while holding up banks.Go Easy On The Disguise:
One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be positively identified by lip-print.Take Right Turns Only:
Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.Be Aware Of The Time:
Imagine the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, MA, who hit the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to escape through downtown North Adams, where he was trapped in rush hour traffic until police arrived.Consider Anoth

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer Pharmacuticals is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in todays society. According to company spokesman, Peter Riser, the following drugs are under testing now:

DIRECTRA – a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of

0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA – Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA – Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks – especially cleaning up spills and little accidents.

COMPLIMENTRA – In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA – Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite stores return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA – Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA – This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA – This complex drug converts mens noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA – This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA – About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into special prosecutors.

LIAGRA – This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions. —————————————-

The National Organzation For Women is lobbying congress and the FDA to make these new drugs available for sale over the counter, as well as available in mens rooms everywhere.

In order to appeal to a boader customer base, Pfizer is also developing the following drugs intended primarily for women:

NagAgra – Causes Women not to nag their spouse.

HonydewAgra – Causes women to actually do house hold maintenance instead of just writing things down.

InformAgra – Causes women to tell their spouses about plans they have made that involve said spouse.

Butt-outAgra – Causes women not to pry into the personal lives of others and mind their own business.

PersonalAgra – Causes women not to discuss their sex lives with aquaintances of their spouse

SportAgra – Makes women understand the male need for consuming large quantities of fermented beverages while watching contact sports.

Cindi CrawfordAgra – Need I say more?

Acostado con su mujer, el ranchero Juan le acaricia los pechos a Lupe su mujer diciéndole:

¿Sabes Lupe? Si estas dieran leche, venderíamos la vaca…

Suspirando, Lupe le palmea la entrepierna y le dice:

¿Sabes Juan? Que si ésta aguantara más tiempo dura, entonces correríamos al caporal…

Okay, you free-love atheist swine. Its time to put down your filthy
bitmapped bimbos and your smutty newsgroups and sit up straight.
Pastor Stephan is going to save your miserable asses from eternal
damnation. You can buy me large plots of land later.

For todays lesson we will be covering a topic of historic and
lexicographic interest. As you know, in ancient and Biblical times
the inhabitants of the Middle East had a lot of time on their hands.
(Hence the Sons of Abraham– three faiths [Judaism, Christianity,
Islam] sharing theology, prophets, sacred sites, and even sacred
texts– and yet each works for the destruction and expulsion of the
other two!) A side effect of this was tolerance for extremely long
proper names.

Amazingly enough, many of these names have entered the English
language. And so, in the interest of spiritual enlightenment and
building power vocabularies, allow me to present…

Q: How many classical music singers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None – Impossible. The altitude may put unnecessary strain on my vocal chords. Have the bassist do it.

Q: How many Daleks does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 1,500,000: To conquer a race than can climb ladders for them.

A teacher tells her class the new word for the day is Contagious, she asks the class if they could explain what the word means. She asks Joe if he can explain what the word means and he says, My Mom says to stay away from kids with chicken pox because they are contagious. The teacher says, That is very good Joe. Then she picks Suzie, who says, The atmosphere was Contagious. And the teacher says, Excellent Suzie. Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up at the back of the class, Yes Johnny, she says. Johnny says, The other day me and my Dad were sitting around and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little brush you use to paint model cars, and she was going in tiny little stokes up and down the fence. My Dad says to me, Jesus, its gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence.