Theres a Canadian an American and an Iraqi. Each is challenged to go into and remain in a house for ten minutes. The prize is $10,000 dollars. What they dont know is that there is a skunk in the house!
The Canadian goes in and runs out after five seconds, It stinks in there!
The American goes in and last ten seconds.
Then the Iraqi goes in and five seconds later the skunk runs out!
Q: What do you call a leper in a Jacuzzi?
A: Soup.
A man is passing a butchers shop and sees a sign: Special Offer – Brains
Cow brainsa penny a pound
Sheep brains2 pounds a pound
Pig brains2 pounds a pound
Doctor brains50 pounds a pound
Engineer brains50 pounds a pound
Programmer brains50 pounds a pound
Lawyer brains1000 pounds a pound
and he goes into the shop and says to the butcher Excuse me, I couldnt help noticing your sign – I suppose the cow brains are so much cheaper than the other brains because of the Mad Cow Disease scare.
Thats right says the butcher.
And, continues the man, I suppose the lawyer brains are so much more expensive than the other brains because theyre such high quality.
Not at all, says the butcher do you know how many lawyers you gotta kill to get a pound of brain?
In a small town there existed a jokes club. They met once a week and told each
other jokes. It turned out that the same jokes were repeated on and on. In order
to be able to tell more jokes in an evening the club decided to give a number to
each joke. The members had to learn the numbers and so they only had to tell the
number of the joke.
One day a visitor was invited to join a session.
Somebody shouted, 94! Twenty seconds of laughter followed.
123! Ten seconds of laughter.
74! Twelve seconds of laughter.
And so on it went all the evening. The visitor was somehow puzzled. At some
point he decided also to shout a number, 365! There followed more than five
minutes of laughter. The visitor was even more puzzled.
After the audience came back to silence, he asked the man next to him, Why were
you laughing such a long time?
The man answered, It was the first time we heard this joke.
It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy. Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest. — S. den Hartog, Ph D. Thesis Universtity of Groningen.
I dont think so, therefore Im probably not.
– Alan Smithee
I will give up my pun when they pry my cold, dead zingers from around it.
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthurs youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer. If, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.
The question was: What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarchs proposition to have an answer by years end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch.
She agreed to answer his question, but hed have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the roundtable and Arthurs closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises. He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.
Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthurs life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthurs question: What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life. Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthurs life would be spared.
And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthurs life and granted him total freedom. What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted and made everyone uncomfortable.
The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman hed ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when shed been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?
What a cruel question? Gawain began to think of his predicament: During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?
What would you do?
What Gawain chose follows below, but dont read until youve made your own choice.
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Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.
What is the moral of this story?
THE MORAL IS THAT IT DOESNT MATTER IF YOUR WOMAN IS PRETTY OR UGLY, UNDERNEATH IT ALL, SHES STILL A WITCH.
Un señor se dirige al mostrador de la farmacia y dice: ¡Señorita!, ¿me da un paquete de condones? ¡Claro que sÃ!, ¿para soltero o para casado? No entiendo. ¿Cuál es la diferencia? Los de soltero vienen en paquetes de 7 y los de casado en paquetes de 12. Menos le entiendo. Mire, los de soltero vienen marcados con: lunes, martes, miércoles, etc. Y los de casado con: enero, febrero, marzo…
A policeman arrested a prostitute, and the following conversation occurred.
Girl: Im not selling sex!
Officer: Then what are you doing?
Girl: Im selling condoms and offering a free demonstration!