Old and New Jokes

A man walks into a bar and he has a pet octopus. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender give us two beers over here!

The bartender walks over and sees the octopus and he says, Didnt you see the sign over there it says no pets allowed!

The man says to the bartender, oh but you dont understand this is a special octopus and he can play any musical instrument that you have.

The bartender replied back, well Ill tell you what, if he can play any instrument you can both drink for free all night!

The bartender walks up to the band playing and grabs a guitar. He puts it down on the bar.

The octopus crawls up on the bar and feels around the guitar for a little while, then finally he picks it up and starts jamming. Hes so good he sounded like Jimi Hendricks!

The bartender was amazed and says, alright lets try one more.

This time he goes into the back room and brings out a dusty old set of bagpipes and promptly put them on the bar and says lets see him play this!

The octopus starts crawling all over the bagpipes. He continues this for quite awhile.

The bartender shouted out See I knew he couldnt play all these instruments!

And the man replies, Just give him a few more minutes…

as soon as he figures out he cant have sex with it, hell play it!

Q: Why did the Priest go to Walmart?

A: He wanted to get boys pants half off!

What Woman Say vs. What Women Really Mean

CANT WE JUST BE FRIENDS? … really means, There is no way Im going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE. … really means, without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?… really means, We havent had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZAS FINE…. really means, you cheap slob!

I JUST DONT WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW. … really means, I just dont want YOU as a boyfriend now.

I DONT KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? … really means, I cant believe you have nothing planned!

COME HERE. … really means, My puppy does this, too.

I LIKE YOU, BUT… really means, I dont like you.

OF COURSE I LOVE YOU…. really means, just not in that way.

YOU NEVER LISTEN. … really means, You never listen.

WERE MOVING TOO QUICKLY. … really means, Im not going to stay over until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.

ILL BE READY IN A MINUTE…. really means, Im ready, but Im going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, ILL PAY FOR MYSELF. … really means, Im just being nice; theres no way Im going Dutch.

IM JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS. …. really means, Were gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.

People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.
When people say Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too. Fucking right! What good is a cake if you cant eat it?
When people say its always the last place you look. Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after youve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
When people say while watching a film did you see that? No loser, I paid $8 to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking floor.
People who ask Can I ask you a question? Didnt really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?
When something is new and improved! Which is it? If its new, then there has ever been anything before it. If its an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
When people say life is short. What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does!! What can you do thats longer?
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks Has the bus come yet? If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Chuck!
Chuck who?
Chuck and see if the door is locked!

How to buy a stero1. Carefully calculate power requirements, based on room dimensions, etc. Multiply by a factor of 100.

2. The ideal system should have as many lights as possible, preferably blinking and flashing in time with the music.

3. The components should all have black metal finish, and generally look very cool.

4. The system should be broken up into as many components as possible. (e.g. pre-amp, pre-pre-amp, pre-menstrual-amp, post-amp, post-menopause-amp, etc.)

5. The most important part of a stereo system is the speakers, they should look very cool. Size and number of sub-speakers and varieties of components pointed at the listener is important. (e.g. tweeters, hooters, sub-woofers, super-sub-woofers, seismic noise generators, etc.)

6. The system should resemble the cockpit of an F16 or 757 aircraft; the more knobs and dials you can turn, the better.

7. The system should have full remote control capability, including over the mobile auto cellular phone so that the stereo can be playing as you get home.

8. Should have the capability of playing different music in every room of the house.

9. Components should have a cool names; this means no department store brands.

10. The complete set-up should put a major recording studio or large radio station to shame. After all, you may be trying to duplicate the exciting feeling of being at a heavy metal concert in a football stadium with 70,000 screaming fans.

11. Having state-of-the-art equipment is not enough. You should be a year or two ahead of everyone else. Equipment over the warranty period is obsolete and should be disposed of promptly.

12. The most important factor–out of everyone you know who owns stereo equipment, yours should be better.

An Alabama State Trooper pulled over a pickup truck on I-20 and asked the driver, Got any ID?

The Alabama driver replied, bout what?

In the spirit of all those who are not here please raise your hand, the following memo came across my screen yesterday. Thought Id share.

P.S. identifying characteristics have been removed to protect the wet green slime thats threatening me … um, I mean the innocent.

Please let me know via e-mail if the Education Council minutes that I sent this morning were readable.

I have had a faculty member tell me that the message that he received was missing some of the text. If yours was missing some text, let me know and I will send it again.

Thanks.

Actually, mine WAS missing text. I didnt see anything at all about my generous pay raise or any expressions of remorse over the death of my pet slug Reginald.

Ralph takes his wife, Mildred, to the livestock show. As they walk past the pens
holding the bulls, Mildred notices a sign by the first bull stating: This bull
mated 50 times last year.

Mildred turns to her husband and says, You could learn from him.

They proceed to the next bull and his sign states: This bull mated 100 times
last year.

Mildred turns to Ralph and says, This one mated twice a week! You can learn
from this bull, also.

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: This bull mated 365 times
last year.

The Mildreds mouth drops open and exclaims, Wow! He mated every single day of
the year! You could really learn a lot from this bull.

Ralph turns to Mildred and smiles, I doubt if he mated 365 times with the same
old cow.

The Court of King George III

London, England

July 10, 1776

Mr. Thomas Jefferson

c/o The Continental Congress

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Dear Mr. Jefferson:

We have read your Declaration of Independence with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:

1.In your opening paragraph you use the phrase the Laws of Nature and Natures God. What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature.

2.In the same paragraph you refer to the opinions of mankind. Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the opinions of mankind are a matter of opinion.

3.You hold certain truths to be self-evident. Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.

4.Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years, these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.

5.You state that Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government…. Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations?

6.Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.

7.Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies ought to be Free and Independent States, and that they are Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown. Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies?

8.Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators.

9.You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Annes War.

10.What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking.

11.Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix.

We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your Declaration of Independence. We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required

Sincerely,

Management Analyst to the British Crown