Old and New Jokes

How do you make a blonde go crazy?

Place them in a round room, and tell them to stand in the corner!

National Public Radio sent Scott Simon to Bosnia to cover the war. He did one piece on humor in Bosnia, much of which is black humor. Here are the ones I remember.

Cigarettes are in very short supply. A man had put the unsmoked half of his cigarette over his ear.

He was running between buildings with a friend when a sniper opened up on them. He was hit a glancing blow which sheared off his ear. He stopped frantically in the middle of the street looking at the ground.

His friend yelled, Get under cover, you fool. Youve got two ears.

He replied, Its not the ear that is in question, it is the cigarette.

A man was in one of the long queues for water when he broke wind.

The woman standing behind him put a stern hand on his shoulder, turned him around and demanded, Where did you get beans?

The line going about now is that if Jesus were to appear in Sarajevo, carrying his cross, people would come out from hiding to approach him, asking, Where did you get all that wood?

Yo mama so hairy she wears a Nike tag on her weave so now everybody calls her Hair Jordan.

Bill Stains (noted folksinger and songwriter) tells this one:

Two mice are being chased across a field by a wolf.

They duck into a small space between a couple of rocks and find themselves in a large cave. As their eyes get used to the dim light one of them looks up at the high ceiling and sees that its covered with bats.

He tugs on his companions shoulder and says, Look! Angles.

Yo mama lips so big, Chap Stick had to invent a spray.

Entra a una cantina un chaparro, muy borracho, y les grita a todos los presentes:

¡Todos los que están aquí son una bola de pendejos!

Nadie dice nada, así que esta vez vuelve a gritar con más fuerza:

¡Además, son una bola de putos!

Como nadie le reclama, se va. Uno de los que estaban en la barra le comenta al cantinero:

Oiga, mi amigo, ese chaparrito, que valiente es, ¿verdad?

Deje lo valiente, ¡lo acertado que estuvo!

One night a neighbor found Nasrudin down on his knees looking for something under the street light.

What have you lost, Mulla?

My key, said Nasrudin.

After a few minutes of searching, the other man said, Where did you drop it?

By my house.

Then why, for heavens sake, are you looking here?

There is more light here.

Q: How many medical students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They are too busy propping up the bar.

Down in Florida, two women were talking and one asked the other, Do you ever get that feeling of being really horny?

Yes, her friend replied.

What do you do about it?

I usually suck on a Lifesaver.

After a moment of stunned silence her friend asked, Well, what beach do you go to?

El Sr. González, un próspero fabricante de clavos, tratando de ampliar su negocio, decide armar una estrategia publicitaria a escala internacional.

Luego de recorrer varias agencias, decide encargársela a una agencia publicitaria de Tontilandia, por ser la más barata:

Mire, amigo, mi empresa se dedica a la fabricación y venta de clavos quiero una publicidad para los medios televisivos, que destaque y haga hincapié en la calidad de mis clavos.

No se preocupe, le contesta el tontilandés, para la semana que viene se la tengo lista.

A la semana siguiente, el empresario vuelve a la agencia, y el tontilandés le presenta una muestra de un aviso televisivo que, con medio minuto de duración, muestra una escena de la crucifixión de Jesucristo. La Virgen María aparece llorando a los pies de su Hijo, los soldados romanos burlándose y Jesús clavado en la cruz. En lo alto de la cruz, donde generalmente aparece la inscripción INRI, aparece la leyenda: CON CLAVOS GONZÁLEZ… ¡NO SE ESCAPA NI DIOS!

El empresario al verlo se pone como loco y le grita furioso al tontilandés:

¡Pero qué hizo, animal!… ¿usted de verdad pretende poner este aviso en todos los medios del mundo? ¡La cuarta parte de la población mundial es cristiana… nadie me va a comprar clavos!

El tontilandés, asustado, le contesta:

Disculpe, entonces ¿qué clase de aviso quiere?

Uno que destaque la calidad de mis clavos, hágalo como quiera pero ¡no ponga a Cristo clavado con mis clavos!, grita el hombre y se va.

A la semana siguiente, el empresario vuelve a la agencia y el tontilandés le dice:

Mire, señor, ya le tengo el nuevo aviso, como usted lo quería.

Y le proyecta otro nuevo aviso. Ahora aparece Jesús, semidesnudo, corriendo por las calles de Jerusalén, huyendo de una horda de soldados romanos que lo persiguen. Al final del aviso, mientras los soldados siguen corriendo tras de Jesús, uno de los soldados le va diciendo al que corre a su lado:

¡Joder, Venancio… te dije que usáramos clavos González!