Old and New Jokes

BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES…THEY COULD COME IN HANDY

Being a good communicator means people find out what is really wrong with you.

Santa Claus is making his rounds, and suddenly becomes startled by a
beautiful woman gracefully walking down the stairs in a very sheer
nightgown.

Santa Claus, will you make love to me? she asks seductively
Santa replies Ho,Ho,Ho, Santas gota go… Gota deliver toys to all the
good little girls and boys.

The lady, removing her nightgown is now in a very tight and lacy teddy
and again asks:Santa Claus, will you make love to me?

Santa, sweating now, gains his composure and still replies Ho,Ho,Ho,
Santas gota go… Gota deliver toys to all the good little girls and
boys.

The beautiful woman proceeds to take off the teddy, revealing her
worderfully formed nude body and again asks: Santa Claus, will you make
love to me? even more seductively

Santa, cant take it anymore and replies Hey, hey, hey, Looks like
Santas gotta stay…there aint now way Im getting up the chimney this
way!

Blonde #1: Have you ever read Shakespeare?

Blonde #2: No, who wrote it?

What do you call a women who knows where her husband is each night? A widow

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer. Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where Im to promise to love, honor and obey and forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever, Id appreciate it if youd just leave that part out.

He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied.

The wedding day arrives, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the grooms vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says, Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, Yes.

The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, I thought we had a deal.

The vicar put the $100 into his hand and whispered back, She made me a much better offer.

I dont know, there are some things even a blonde wont do.

The male bodybuilder eyed a gorgeous female lifting weights in the gym. He ambled over and said, Hey babe. What do you say to a little private traing session?

She replied, What do you have in mind?

He stared at her crotch and said, I feel like working on the snatch.

She retorted, I think you should head for the showers.

Why?

She pointed at his crotch and said, Youll have to settle for the clean and jerk.

1) Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.

(why wait that long)

2) Thou shall not do drugs.

(alcohol lasts longer, not to mention being cheaper.)

3) Thou shall not steal from K-Mart.

(Walmart has a bigger selection)

4) Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism.

(destruction has a bigger effect, I can tell you all about this)

5) Thou shall not steal from your parents.

(everyone knows grandma has more money)

6) Thou shall not get into fights.

(Cat fight anyhow…just start them.)

7) Thou shall not skip class.

(just take the whole day off)

8) Thou shall not strip in class.

(Hooters pays more)

9) Thou shall not think about having sex.

(like Nike says, just do it)

10) Thou shall not help old ladies across the street.

(just leavem in the middle)

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his moms bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, I need a man, I need a man!

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!