Old and New Jokes

Q: Why is Clinton prone to losing his voice?
A: He keeps having to eat his words.

There was a guy in a bar and he asked the bartender for a beer. He chugged it, looked into his pocket, asked for another beer. Which he chugged, then looked into his pocket, and asked for another beer. This went on for a while then the bartender finally asked, How come you ask for a beer, chug it, then look in your pocket? The man said, because there is a picture of my wife in my pocket and Im gonna keep drinking till she looks good enough to go home.

What do u call a fly with no wings?

A walk.

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height,
what would happen?

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever,but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
– Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
– Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC Ive never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
– Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I cant help but cry. I mean Id love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
– Mariah Carey, pop singer Im not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
– Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents The police are not here to create disorder. Theyre here to preserve disorder.
– Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 Democratic Party convention China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.
– Former French President Charles de Gaulle I havent committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
– David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes. The Internet is a great way to get on the Net.
– Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
– Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower Traditionally, most of Australias imports come from overseas
– Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery Were going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
– Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana…. The researchers also discovered other simila

Hit Television Shows in Iraq:

Husseinfeld Mad About Everything U.S. Military Secrets Revealed Suddenly Sanctions Allah McBeal Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest Matima Loves Chachi The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show Buffy The Slayer of Yankee Imperialist Dogs Wheel of Fortune and Terror Iraqs Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers Achmeds Creek The Price is Right If Saddam Says Its Right M*U*S*T*A*S*H Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses Two Guys, a Girl, and a Mosque When Kurds Attack Just Shoot Me My Two Baghdads Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things Two Guys, a Girl and a Fatwah Totally Clothed Baywatch

Un vasco se va a casar con una madrileña. La noche anterior a la boda, el padre llama al hijo y le dice:

Te voy a dar unos consejos para mañana:

1) Tienes que llegar a la iglesia antes que nadie, para que vean que los vascos siempre somos los primeros en todo.

2) En el banquete, sírveles bien de comida, para que vean que los vascos no reparamos en gastos.

3) Después del banquete, sube a tu mujer en brazos a la habitación, a poder ser con sólo un brazo, para que vean que los vascos somos fuertes.

4) Después échala cuidadosamente en la cama, para que vea que los vascos somos unos caballeros.

5) Y, por último, te haces una paja, para que vea que los vascos somos independientes y autosuficientes.

How do you sink a polish submarine?Put it in water

Una adolescente, que se siente mal de salud, va con su padre al médico.

El profesional después examinarla le dice:

Mira, lo que te ocurre es que estás embarazada.

La joven le mira asustada y exclama:

¡No puede ser, si mi padre se entera de esto me mata! ¡No se lo puedo decir!

El galeno la tranquiliza diciéndole que no se preocupe, que él le dirá a su progenitor. Sale del consultorio y se encuentra con el papá.

Doctor, ¿qué le pasa a mi hija?

Mire señor, su hija se ha tragado una medalla de la virgen. La medalla y la virgen se la hemos sacado, pero no al niño… no ha habido manera.

A friend is someone who will help you move your furniture.
A real friend is someone who will help you move a body.