Old and New Jokes

A few childrens books that didnt make the cut:



1. You Are Different and Thats Bad

2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables

3. Dads New Wife Robert

4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share

5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book

6. The Kids Guide to Hitchhiking

7. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

8. All Cats Go to Hell

9. The Little Sissy Who Snitched

10. Some Kittens Can Fly

11. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

12. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way

13. Pop! Goes The Hamster…And Other Great Microwave Games

14. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School

15. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50
chance of getting something right, theres a 90%
probability youll get it wrong.

A small town farmer had three daughters. Being a single father, he
tended to be a little over-protective of his daughters. When gentlemen
came to take his daughters out on a date, he would greet them with
a shotgun to make sure they knew who was boss.

One evening, all of his daughters were going out on dates.

The doorbell rang, the farmer got his shotgun, and answered the door.
A gentleman said,

Hi, Im Joe,
Im here for Flo,
Were goin to the show,
is she ready to go?

The farmer frowned but decided to let them go.

The doorbell rang again, the farmer got his shotgun, and answered the door.
A gentlemen said,

Hi, Im Eddie,
Im here for Jenny,
We gettin spaghetti,
is she ready?

The farmer frowned but decided to let them go.

The doorbell rang again, the farmer got his shotgun, and answered the door.
A gentlement said,

Hi, Im Chuck,

And the farmer shot him.

A little girl asked her mom, Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block? Mom replies, No, because shes in heat. What does that mean? asked the child. Go ask your father, I think hes in the garage.The little girl goes to the garage and says, Dad, may I take Fluffy for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you!Dad said, Bring Fluffs over here. He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dogs backside with it and said, Okay, you can go now, but keep Fluffy on the leash and only go one time around the block!The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash!Surprised, Dad asked, Wheres Fluffy?The little girl said, She ran out of gas about half-way down the block, so another dog is pushing her home!

My Uncle Charles, whos 89 years of age, goes to a Catholic church and goes to confession.

He says, Father, Im 89 years old and Im having an affair with a 25 year old girl.

The Priest asks him how long since his last confession.

Charles says Ive never been to confession, Im Jewish.

The Priest says, so why are you telling me this?


Charles says Im telling everyone.

There once was this guy who walked into a bar and ordered a counter-lunch. When his meal arrived he noticed a pile of peas on his plate. The man stares at them for a moment and than proceeds to tell the barman, Gee, I havent had a pea in forty years.

The barman then yells to the entire pub, Quick, anyone who cant swim grab a chair!

Two guys are out in the woods hiking.

All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them.

The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on. The second guy says, What are you doing? He says, I figure when the bear gets too close, well have to jump down and make a run for it.

The second guy says, Are you crazy? You cant outrun a bear…

The first guy says, I dont have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you…

One Polish surgeon asks another: How did that appendectomy go?

Appendectomy? shrieks the other. I though it was an autopsy!

She thought it was a map

Question: Where do you see blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette, blonde…

Answer: A naked blonde doing cartwheels!