Take 12 toothpicks, pencils, or q-tips. Now subtract one, Now you should have 9 in front of you. Did you do it right?





Answer: Technically you have 11 toothpicks left over right? 12 – 1 = 11

But if you arrange them into letters, You will have 11 toothpcks that spell out the Word NINE !!

Two storks are sitting in their nest – a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying so the father stork is trying to calm him. Dont worry, son. Your mother will come back. Shes only bringing people babies and making them happy. The next night, its fathers turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, and the baby stork is crying again. The mother says, Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now hes bringing joy to new mommies and daddies. A few days later, the storks parents are desperate because their son has been absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where hes been all night. The baby stork says, Nowhere. Just scaring the hell out of college students!

Real programmers dont eat quiche. Real programmers dont even know how to spell
Quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke, and palate-scorching Szechwan food.
Real programmers dont write application programs. They program right down to the bare
metal.
Application programs are for dullards who cant do system programming.
Real programmers dont write specs. Users should be grateful for whatever they get.
They are lucky to get any program at all.
Real programmers dont comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to
understand and even harder to modify.
Real programmers dont draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterates form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much it did for them.
Real programmers dont read manuals. Reliance on a reference is a hallmark of the
novice and the coward.
Real programmers dont use Cobol. Cobol is for wimpy application programmers.
Real programmers dont use Fortran. Fortran is for wimpy engineers who wear white socks pipe stress freaks, and crystallography weenies. They get excited over finite state
analysis and nuclear reactor simulation.
Real programmers dont use PL/1. PL/1 is for insecure mommas boys who cant choose
between Cobol and Fortran.
Real programmers dont use BASIC. In fact, no programmers use BASIC
after reaching puberty.
Real programmers dont use APL, unless the whole program can be written on one line.
Real programmers dont use LISP. Only effeminate programmers use more parentheses than
actual code.
Real programmers dont use Pascal, Bliss, ADA or any of those sissy-pinko computer science
languages. Strong typing is a crutch for people with weak memories.
Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at 9 a.m. its
because they were up all night.
Real programmers dont play tennis or any other sport which requires a change of clothes.
Mountain climbing is ok, and real programmers often wear climbing boots to work
in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room.
Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured programming is for
compulsive, pre-maturely toilet-trained neurotics who wear neckties and
carefully line up sharpened pencils on an otherwise uncluttered desk.
Real programmers dont like the team programming concept. Unless, of course, they are
the Chief Programmer.
Real programmers have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil. Managers
are for
dealing with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners and other mental
defectives.
Real programmers scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal point was invented for
pansy bed-wetters who are unable to think big.
Real programmers dont drive clapped-out Mavericks. They prefer BMWs, Lincolns or pick-up
trucks with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles are highly regarded.
Real programmers dont believe in schedules. Planners make up schedules. Managers
firm up schedules. Frightened coders strive to make schedules. Real
programmers ignore schedules.
Real programmers like vending machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the microwave oven.
Real programmers use the heat given off by the cpu. They can tell what
job is running just by listening to the rate of popping.
Real programmers know every nuance of every instruction and use them all in every read
program.
Puppy architects wont allow execute instructions to address another execute as
the target instruction. Real programers despise such petty restrictions.
Real programmers dont bring brown bag lunches to work. If the vending machine sells it, they
eat it. If the vending machine doesnt sell it, they dont eat it. Vending
machines dont sell quiche.

A man carrying a small bag walks into a bar.

The bartender serves him a drink, but being a curious person he asks the man, what is the bag?

Its really quite amazing, the man says, as he opens the bag, and reveals a very small piano and a 10 tall miniature man.

The tiny human marches directly over to the piano and begins to play absolutely beautiful music.

After a few minutes of this demonstration, the bartender wants to know how the man came by this fabulous find.

The man produces a small brass lantern from his coat pocket and says: I was given this magic lantern by a wise old Gypsy and I merely rubbed the lamp and made a wish!

The bartender asks if the man would mind if he made a wish, and after some money changed hands the man consents to allow one wish to be made.

The bartender quickly rubs the lamp, closes his eyes and makes his wish. And in a flash an old Genie appears for a brief instant, makes a grand wave of his arms and the bar is immediately overrun with ducks!

I mean they are everywhere, and of course there is absolute pandemonium in the building. Feathers, duck shit, tremendous noise and people are rushing to get out of the building.

What the hell kind of Magic Genie is that, the bartender screams over the noise, I didnt wish for a million ducks!

Well as you may have noticed the man says the Genie is rather old, and he is a quite hard of hearing, and this can cause some misunderstanding.

You dont think I wished for a 10 pianist do you?

An old man and his daughter go to the doctor for his monthly checkup. During examination, the doctor asks how his nightly incontinence is. "Its fine," says the old man. "I just get up and go to the bathroom, and God turns on the light for me."The doctor finishes up the examination, and then calls in the daughter to tell her about the God-light thing."Oh, my God!" says the daughter. "Hes been using the fridge again!"

Bell Labs Proves Existence of Dark Suckers

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light. However,
recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise. Electric bulbs dont
emit light, they suck dark. Thus they now call these bulbs dark suckers.

The dark sucker theory, according to a Bell Labs spokesperson, proves the
existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier than that of light, and that dark
is faster than light. The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs
suck dark. Take for example the dark suckers in the room where you are. There is
less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the dark
sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parking lot
have a much greater capacity than the ones in this room. As with all things,
dark suckers dont last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer
suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full dark sucker. A candle is a
primitive dark sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will notice that after
the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark which has been
sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle,
the tip will turn black because it got in the path of the dark flowing into the
candle. Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range.

There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these cant handle all of the
dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit. When the dark
storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable
dark sucker can operate again.

Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this mass
generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark sucker. Candles
present a special problem, as the dark must travel in the solid wick instead of
through glass. This generates a great amount of heat. Thus it can be very
dangerous to touch an operating candle. Dark is also heavier than light. If you
swim deeper and deeper, you notice it gets slowly darker and darker. When you
reach a depth of approximately fifty feet, you are in total darkness. This is
because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light
floats to the top.

The immense power of dark can be utilized to mans advantage. We can collect the
dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it through turbines, which
generate electricity and help push it to the ocean where it may be safely
stored. Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to get dark from the
rivers and lakes to the ocean. The Indians recognized this problem, and tried to
solve it. When on a river in a canoe traveling in the same direction as the flow
of the dark, they paddled slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark, but when
they traveled against the flow of dark, they paddled quickly so as to help push
the dark along its way.

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in
an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then slowly open the
closed door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet, but since the dark
is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.

In conclusion, Bell Labs stated that dark suckers make all our lives much
easier. So the next time you look at an electric bulb remember that it is indeed
a dark sucker.

A Cork radio station (in Ireland) was running a competition – words that werent in the Dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: 96FM, whats your name?

Caller: Hi, me names Dave.

DJ: Dave, what is your word?

Caller: Goan spelt G O A N, pronounced go-an

DJ: We are just checking that (pause) and you are correct, Dave, Goan is certainly a word not found in the English Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali, is, what sentence can you use that in that would make logical sense?

Caller: Goan fuck yourself!

At this point the DJ cuts the caller short and announces that there is no place for that sort of language on a family show. After many more unsuccessful calls the DJ takes the following caller:

DJ: 96FM, whats your name?

Caller: Hi, me names Jeff.

DJ: Jeff, what is your word?

Caller: Smee spelt S M E E, pronounced smee.

DJ: We are checking that (pause) and you are correct, Jeff, Smee is certainly a word not found in the English Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali, is, what sentence can you use that in that would make logical sense?

Caller: Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!

Dr. Daves Dental-Chair Discovery: Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a simple yes or no answer.

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees – always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.

Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasnt making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.

So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, Sarah, Im going to have to lay you or Jack off.

And Sarah says, Can you just jack off? I have a headache!

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the
bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her
and asks, tentatively, Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a
while?

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, No, I wont sleep with
you tonight! Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks
back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles
at him and says, Im sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, Im a graduate
student in psychology and Im studying how people respond to embarrassing
situations.

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, What do you mean $200?