23
Dec

A drunk orders himself a beer

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink–he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely–but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.

The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries Man! How many bars do you work at?

23
Dec

Signs Your Co-Worker Is a Hacker

Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a $26,000 phone bill.Has won the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running.When asked for their phone number, they give it in hex.Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.Somehow gets HBO on their PC at work.Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeeez!" 295 times during the movie "The Net."Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.Their video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.Instead of the "Welcome" voice on AOL, you overhear, "Good Morning, Mr./Ms. President."You hear them murmur, "Lets see you use that VISA card now, Professor "I-Dont-Give-As-In-Computer-Science!"

23
Dec

Its Against the Law to…

In Oblong, Illinois, its punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.

No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.

Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isnt allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you — or holding you in his arms.

Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown — if theyre nude.(Apparently, if you wear socks, youre safe from the law!)

In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And its illegal to make love on the floor between the beds!

The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.

An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a stores walk-in meat freezer!

A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.

In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman cant go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job — for men only — called a corset inspector.)

However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male.

Its safe to make love while parked in Coeur dAlene, Idaho. Police officers arent allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.

Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman cant dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.

Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.

In Carlsbad, New Mexico, its legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.

A Florida sex law: If youre a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you cant parachute on Sunday afternoons.

Women arent allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio, a man might see the reflection of something he oughtnt!

No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and her name is to be published in the local newspaper. The man isnt charged nor is his name revealed.

In Las Vegas, Nevada: Its against the law to pawn your dentures.

In Natoma, Kansas; Its illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suites.

Idaho Falls, Idaho: If youre 88 years of age or older, its illegal for you to ride your motorcycle.

In Vermont: Its against the law (not to mention impossible) to whistle under water.

In Alabama: Its illegal to play dominoes on Sunday.

In Barber, North Carolina: Its illegal for a cat to fight a dog (or vice versa).

In Clawson City, Michigan: Its illegal to sleep with chickens.

A pet rooster cannot say cock-a-doodle-do within the city limits of Mount Dora, Fl.

In Richmond, Va., you must buy a license for 93 cents to sell song books on the street.

The U.S. government says its a crime to give false weather reports.

In Gary, Ind., you cannot go straight to the theater after eating garlic.

You can be fined $500 if you bother a butterfly in Pacific Grove, Ca.

In Maryland, a woman may not go through her husbands pockets while he is sleeping.

There is no horse racing allowed on the New Jersey Turnpike.

In Waterloo, Neb., barbers cannot eat onions between 7 a.m. and 7 p.m.

Donkeys are not allowed to sleep in bathtubs in Brooklyn, N.Y.

In New York, you can teach your pet parrot to speak, but not to squawk.

Cars are not allowed to scare horses in Centerville, Ohio.

On the books in Tennessee:

In Alamo: A person found intoxicated must be given a large dose of castor oil by a local doctor…and failure to gulp it down will result in a fine.

In Newport: Its against the law to tickle a girl under her chin with a feather duster in order to get her attention.

In Collierville: Keeping clean can be a chilly proposition, as a law there says all bathtubs must be kept in the backyard.

In Waverly: You better not let your horse near the tub, since horses are prohibited from sleeping in them, as well as in the house.

In Wartburg: The town strictly forbids single, widowed or divorced women from parachuting on Sunday!

It is against the law to have disco dance contests last more than eight hours.

It is against the law to call another person a coward if he refuses to duel.

22
Dec

Question and answer Clinton joke

Q: What is Clintons favorite war song?
A: Over Here

22
Dec

Question and answer Christmas joke

Q: Whats a good holiday tip?
A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.

22
Dec

En el zoo de Bilbao,

En el zoo de Bilbao, un chico se cae al foso de los leones y cuando estaban a punto de comérselo, salta un joven y rescata al menor.

Los viandantes le felicitan, y aparece un equipo de audaces reporteros del EGIN para hacerle una entrevista:

EGIN: Hola, buenas, ¿qué ha ocurrido?

Pues que he visto que el chico ha caído al foso, y cuando he visto que no podía salir, me he lanzado a salvarlo.

EGIN: Vaya, desde luego eres todo un héroe, tú eres de Bilbao ¿no?

Pues no, yo soy de Badajoz, y estoy aquí porque me han trasladado de funcionario.

EGIN: Pero tu familia es de aquí ¿no?

Pues no, todos están en Extremadura.

EGIN: Bueno, a pesar de eso estás a favor de la Patria Vasca y de la independencia de Euskadi ¿no?

¡No, no!, yo estoy a favor de una España… una grande y libre.

EGIN: Hummm… bien… vale… adiós.

Al día siguiente aparece en la portada del EGIN:

ESCÁNDALO: NUEVA AGRESIÓN IMPERIALISTA

JOVEN NEONAZI QUITA LA COMIDA DE LA BOCA AL LEÓN DEL ZOO

(Se estudia que se hayan podido usar fondos reservados del Ministerio del Interior)

CONVOCADA JUSTA MANIFESTACIÓN DE PROTESTA.

22
Dec

Dying Wives!

I was married 3 times explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, and Ill never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull.



Thats a shame. said his friend , How did it happen?



She wouldnt eat the mushrooms!

22
Dec

The following are only learned from college

101. Its amazing how late you can stay up doing absolutely nothing, yet falling asleep in class or in the library takes an average of two seconds.

102. You spend a ridiculous amount of time pondering the mystery of whether the cafeteria Lucky Charms are the real thing.

103. People magazine is your deep philosophical reading material.

104. You begin to subdivide your room into sections such as den, library, etc. to make it sound like a house.

105. All you have to do to make new friends is have mom send up some cookies.

106. You never realized how quiet your house was.

107. Dishes arent dirty enough to wash until they have bugs and/or mold in them.

108. Printers only break down when you desperately need them.

109. You get along so much better with your family now that you never see any of them.

110. Your life will never be the same again.

22
Dec

Moving to Las Vegas

A
man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing
a suitcase. He says,"What are you doing?" She
answers, "Im moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes
there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for
free!"
Later that night on her way out the wife walks
into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his
suitcase. When she asks him where hes going, he
replies… "Im going to Vegas too. I want
to see you live on $800 a year!"

22
Dec

Bar Jokes joke #11090

Two guys were at a bar arguing with their friend who was a midget. Sudden out of nowhere, the Pope walks into the bar! Oh my god its the pope they all say at once the midget says to the guys Thats it Im going ask him. So he walks up to the Pope and asks Sir, are there midget nuns in America?, No, no, no. says the Pope Are there midget nuns in the entire world? No, no, no. says the Pope Are there even such things as midget nuns? No, no, no. says the Pope. His friends burst out chanting, Joe screwed a penguin, Joe screwed a penguin…