Old and New Jokes

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Shot Off Womans leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work After Death

Sally and Eric are in their hotel room on their wedding night, preparing to consummate their marriage. Sally says, I have one thing to tell you before we get in bed. Ive had sex with one other man before I met you.



Eric thinks a minute and says, Thats no big deal. Who was it? Sally replies, The famous golfer, Jack Nicklaus.



They jump into bed and have a good session. Afterwards, Eric gets out of bed and begins to put on his underwear. What are you doing? asks Sally. I thought Id get dressed and fix some coffee.



Sally says, Jack wouldnt have done that. No? says Eric, What would Jack have done? Hed have climbed back in bed with me and done it again. All right! says Eric, Lets go.



They have another pretty good session, a little longer this time. Wearily, Eric gets to his feet and begins to put on his underwear. What are you doing? asks Sally. I thought Id dress and get some coffee.



Sally says, Jack wouldnt have done that. No? says Eric, What would Jack have done? Hed have climbed back in bed with me and done it again.



Eric climbs back into bed, and this time a virtual marathon takes place. Afterward, he slinks out of bed, braces himself against the bedpost, and tries to get a leg in his underwear. What are you doing? asks Sally. Going for a cuppa.



Sally says, Jack wouldnt have done that. No? says Eric, What would Jack have done now? Hed have climbed back in bed with me and done it again.



Eric plods to the nightstand and picks up the phone.



Who are you calling? Sally asks.



Jack Nicklaus. I want to find out what par is on this freaking hole!

From someone appearing at the Laff Stop, in Austin:

A five-year-old is mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer. The
preacher who lives across the street sees the beer and comes over to
harass the kid:

P: Arent you a little young to be drinking, son?

K: Thats nothing; I got laid when I was three.

P: What?! How did that happen?

K: I dont remember. I was drunk.

Paul Suhler suhler@im4u.UTEXAS.EDU

your momas so fat when she stepped on the scale it said new high score.

Un vieja solterona llama a la oficina de un abogado y le dice a la recepcionista que quiere hablar con un abogado acerca de preparar un testamento. La recepcionista le sugiere hacer una cita para que acuda a la oficina a ver al abogado. Compungida, la mujer explica:

Tiene que entender, señorita, que yo he vivido sola casi toda mi vida; raramente le veo la cara a alguien y no me gusta salir de mi casa. ¿Hay alguna posibilidad que el abogado venga acá?

La chica de la recepción habla con el abogado y éste acepta entrevistarse en la casa de la solterona. Cuando el abogado llega a la casa de la mujer, su primer pregunta fue:

¿Cuáles son sus propiedades y cómo desea distribuirlos en el testamento?

Aparte de los muebles y los artefactos eléctricos que usted ve aquí, tengo una cuenta de ahorros de US$ 50,000.

¿Y qué piensa hacer con el dinero?, le cuestiona el joven abogado.

Bueno, como ya les expliqué, yo he vivido una vida muy recluida. La gente del barrio no saben ni quién soy yo. Me gustaría apartar 45 mil para el funeral.

Con un funeral así de grande de seguro que hasta en las noticias la van a dar a conocer. Pero, dígame, que piensa hacer con los otros US$ 5,000?

Pues como nunca he sido casada y nunca me he acostado con un hombre. Yo quiero usar el resto del dinero para hacer arreglos con un hombre para que se acueste conmigo. ¿Usted cree que me pueda conseguir a alguien?

Esa noche, cuando el abogado le estuvo contando a su esposa la petición tan rara que había hecho su nueva clienta, la esposa le insinuó lo mucho que podrían hacer con los US$ 5,000 extras. Después de convencerlo, acuerdan que él iba a ganarse ese dinero, no sin antes advertirle:

Te voy a llevar a la casa de la solterona mañana tempranito, y te voy a esperar a que termines.

La mañana siguiente, la mujer lo llevó a la casa de la solterona y lo esperó. Pasaron tres horas y como el esposo no salía, la mujer, desesperada, comenzó a tocar la bocina del carro. El esposo se asoma por la ventana y le grita:

Vení a recogerme mañana; ya la convencí de que la alcaldía la entierre en una fosa común.

Error Messages



The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out…

WARNING: Keyboard Not Attached. Press F10 to Continue.



COFFEE.EXE missing. Insert cup and press any key.



Bad Command or File Name. Good try, though.



Press any key… no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!



Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue…



Error reading FAT record. Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)



General Failures Fault. Not Yours.



Hit any user to continue.



Scandisk is now checking your hard disk. You can start praying.



Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.



Earth is 98% full. Please delete anyone you can.



Ooops. My brain just hit a bad sector.



Cannot find REALITY.SYS…Universe Halted.

whats the difference beetween a blond and a mosquito? mosquitos stop sucking when you slap them , blonds dont.

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car
drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the
fewest words. These instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that
even incompetent writing may be highly entertaining.

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree
I dont have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its
intentions.

I thought my windows was down but I found out it was up when I put
my head through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wifes face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times
before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law
and headed over the embankment.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As
I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and
I did not see the other car.

I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel
and had an accident.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my
universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a
place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to
stop in time to avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the
pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, I
found that I had a fractured skull.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of
the road when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran over
him.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentlemen as he bounced off the
hood of my car. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in
a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in
a ditch by some stray cows.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out
of its way when it struck my front end.

Here is a table of terms used by headhunters and orher people who are hiring new folks:

ENTRY-LEVEL POSITIONYoull be making under $7 an hour.
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANYYoull be making under $7 an hour; well be bankrupt in a year.
AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANYWe want you to get your hopes up, but theres no chance in hell well be the next Microsoft.
PROFIT-SHARING PLANOnce its shared between the higher-ups, there wont be a profit.
COMPETITIVE SALARYWe remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANYWe have no time to train you; youll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADERInc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we havent done anything innovative since.
IMMEDIATE OPENINGThe person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. Were just now running the ad.
SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTERWere not going to supply you with leads; theres no base salary; youll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
SELF-MOTIVATEDManagement wont answer questions
WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITSAfter 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.
PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITSAfter 3 years, well allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, well give you a 5 percent matching contribution.
SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE…who still live with their parents and wont mind our internship-level salaries.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHEREWe dont pay enough to expect that youll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENTWe have a lot of turnover.
EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENTGuys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.
JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAMWe all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
FUN WORK ENVIRONMENTYour coworkers will be insulted if you dont drink with them.
A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENTWe booze it up at company parties.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTEDYoull be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIREDIf were in trouble, youll go on TV and get us out of it.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIREDSome time each night and some time each weekend.
SALARY RANGE $24k-$32kWell offer you $22k to start.
A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITIONYoull give boring speeches on your own time.
FLEXIBLE HOURSWork 40 hours; get paid for 25.
DUTIES WILL VARYAnyone in the office can boss you around.
WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUEDThose who missed the last round of layoffs, that is.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAILWe have no quality control.
COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERREDUnless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASEWeve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCEYoull need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUSTYoure walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLSYoull have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLSManagement communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do.
ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOADYou whine, youre fired.
ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANYWe loooooove brown-nosers.

What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?

His I.Q. goes up!



What did the blonde get on his I.Q. test?

Drool.



What do you call a blonde golfer with an I.Q. of 125?

A foursome.



Whats five miles long and has an I.Q. of forty?

A blonde parade.