05
Sep

How to Annoy People at Work

How to Annoy People at Work

1)Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch

paper, 99 copies. 2)Practice making fax and modem noises. 3)During

meetings, disassemble your pen and accidentaly flip the cartridge

across the room. 4)Staple papers in the middle of the page. 5)ALWAYS

TYPE WITH CAPS-LOCK ON 6)type only in lower case.

7)dontuseanypunctuationorspaceseither 8)While making presentations,

occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. 9)In the memo field of

all your checks, write for sensual massage. 10)Ask your co-workers

mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook.

Mutter something about psychological profiles.

05
Sep

Funny things kids say

Kid to teacher: I know the answer, but I cant quite download it.

Kid, walking away in protest: They get to play with their remote car on mars, and I cant play with mine in the street!

Kid to kid: God invented time to keep everything from happening at once.

Dad to kid: Whats the magic word to get what you want?

Kid: Grandma!

04
Sep

Equal Opportunity

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:

HELP WANTED Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, I cant hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, The sign says you have to be good with a computer.

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.

By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still cant give you the job.

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual.

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, Meow.

04
Sep

El director de un manicomio

El director de un manicomio estaba examinando a sus pacientes para averiguar cuáles estaban listos para volver a la comunidad.

Señor Mendoza, el doctor le dice a uno de sus pacientes, veo que han recomendado que le dé de alta ¿Qué cree que va hacer si es que le dejamos ir?

El paciente se lo piensa un rato, y luego responde: Bueno, fui ingeniero en mecánica. Parece ser que es una carrera con salida y puedo ganar bastante dinero. Por otra parte, he pensado escribir una novela sobre mis experiencias aquí en este hospital, lo que es ser paciente aquí. Puede que sea interesante. También pensé volver a la escuela a estudiar historia del arte, que es un tema que me interesa mucho.

El Director asiente con la cabeza y dice, Sí, me parecen empresas muy interesantes.

El paciente responde:

Y lo mejor es que en el tiempo que tenga libre puedo seguir siendo una cafetera.

04
Sep

UFO

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters UFO were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young, blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.



Do you realize what just happened? the station owner finally uttered.



Yeah, said the blonde attendant. So?



Didnt you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!



Yeah, repeated the blonde. So?



Didnt you see the letters UFO on the side of that vehicle?!



Yeah, repeated the blonde attendant. So?



Dont you know what UFO means?!



The blonde attendant rolled her eyes. Good grief, boss! Ive been working here for five years. Of course I know what UFO means – ….it means Unleaded Fuel Only.

04
Sep

Happiness is a positive cash

03
Sep

En cierto pueblo hay una

En cierto pueblo hay una familia pelirroja, y un día la madre da a luz y el niño resulta ser rubio. El padre, se cabrea cantidad y va a ver al único hombre rubio del pueblo.

Hombre, Cornelio, ¿qué tal, ya ha parido tu mujer?

Mira, no me hables, que vengo con un cabreo. ¿Sabes que el niño ha salido rubio?

¡Bueno, pero hombre, no te precipites! La naturaleza a veces juega unas bromas muy raras; mira, sin ir mas lejos, ahí tienes el rebaño de cabras del Eulogio, todas ellas son amarronadas, excepto una, que es completamente parda.

El padre se queda paralizado por un momento, y luego dice:

Mira, vamos a hacer un trato. Yo no le digo nada a nadie de mi hijo, y tú no le dices nada a nadie de la cabra.

03
Sep

Blonde at the Appliance Store

A blonde went to the appliance storesale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we dont sell to blondes," he replied. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buythis TV." "Sorry, we dont sell to blondes," he replied. "Darn,he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time;haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before sheagain approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry,we dont sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do youknow Im a blonde?" "Because thats a microwave," he replied.

03
Sep

The elevator.

A blonde walks on an elevator and there is 1 other man on there and the blonde says T.G.I.F. and the man replied S.H.I.T. then they argued about the words and finally the blonde says thank gosh its friday and the man replies sorry hun its thursday.

03
Sep

UN-Peacekeepers

There is a lot of talk about the United Nations creating a combined strike force with troops from several nations included in it.

Could it work? Lets take a look at one operation.

A combined force beach landing on a tropical island. When the troops hit the beach.

The Royal Marines go fishing.

The US Marines wait for CNN to arrive.

The French dont care whose beach it is; its French territory now!

The Canadians watch the Americans very closely, then offer to guard their landing strip.

The Dutch have a beach party and smoke some dope saying the English dont understand them.

The Italians go sunbathing.

The Germans land and build a car factory.

The West Indians go looking for the Dutch.

The Austrians just watch the Russians and Germans.

The Chinese win the natives hearts and minds then kill them.

The SEALs arrive after dark and kill anyone who is not a SEAL.

The Aussies and Kiwis land then start fighting each other over a sheep.

The South Americans send a contingent of 2000 generals.

The South Africans start shooting at anyone with a tan.

The Saudis start drilling for oil.

The Russians open a chain of massage parlours.

The Brit airborne troops get charged with murder even though they have not opened fire yet.

The Spanish are late.

The Portuguese are late but blame the Spaniards.

Delta Force makes a movie about the landing.

The Greeks and Turks turn up then send a bill to the Yanks and Brits.

The British Army cannot come because all six of them have flu.

The Japanese dont know who owns what ships and decide to sink them all.

The Californian National Guard wont land until someone opens a Starbucks.

The New Yorkers paint their helicopters yellow and will take you ashore for 50 bucks.

The Irish Army will be late because they say they are still celebrating St. Patricks Day.

The Israelis start building a settlement and shell the Palestinians as a precaution.

The Scandinavians like it off shore and stay there killing whales for the Japanese.

The Polish tunnel under the beach looking for coal.

The Palestinians say it used to be theirs but the Israelis stole it.

The Oklahoma National Guard has no idea what a beach is.

The Scottish claim to have found the beach first but accuse the English of stealing it.

The Texans kill anyone bad mouthing them.

The Mexicans invade Arizona by mistake.

The Welsh say its King Arthurs last resting place but the English stole it.

The Swiss apply for a bank charter.

The Lybians blow up two UN planes.

The UN decides to send an Ambassador if the member states pay their dues.

The Kentuckians are screwing their sisters.

The Panamanians ask the Americans what they should do.

The Floridia National Guard demands a recount and free Prozac.

The European Union want to set up a commission of 50,000 administrators paid for by the Brits.

The Swedes just want to screw the Kentuckians sisters.

The Michigan contingent begins a sit-down strike and blames General Motors.

Some guy from Tennessee swears that Elvis and Jimmy Dean are just over the dunes.

The Rumanians and Albanians finally arrive and surrender.

The Colorad Guard cuts off the Kansans water supply.

H. M. The Queen will give anyone a Knighthood if they can grab her a few hundred acres or find a job for Charles.

The North Koreans have no idea what is going on but blame the Americans anyway.

Washington State National Guard builds a monument to Bill Gates.

The Pakistanis build a Motel Six, a convenience store and gas station.

Jimmy Carter arrives and declares peace.

George W. Bush doesnt know where the island is, so he orders the U.S. Airforce to bomb Hawaii.