Old and New Jokes

Fast food makes you sick quick.

Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com

A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks. He wanted a truck and she wanted a fast little sports car so she could zip through traffic around town.He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. Look! she said, I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!He did just that.For her birthday he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.Nobody has seen or heard from him since.

Never squat with your spurs on!
Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.
Theres two theories to arguin with a woman. Neither one works.
Dont worry about bitin off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger than you think.
If you get to thinkin youre a person of some influence, try orderin somebody elses dog around.
Never ask a man the size of his spread.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When youre full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin.
Never smack a man whos chewin tobacco.
It dont take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
If youre ridin ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure its still there.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, dont be surprised if they learn their lesson.
When youre throwin your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
Lettin the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin it back.
Always take a good look at what youre about to eat. Its not so important to know what it is, but its critical to know what it was.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Q: How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, even a burned out bulb cant catch a waiters eye.

Un tipo se casa con la novia y se van de luna de miel. Varias días después de regresar el tipo continúa con el mismo ritmo sexual desenfrenado mañana, medio día y noche.

La esposa, cansada y preocupada, le cuenta el asunto a su mamá y ésta le aconseja: No seas pendeja, dile que estás con la regla.

El marido llega al medio día y llama a la esposa: Qué pasó cariño, ven, que tenemos cosas qué hacer…

La esposa le contesta: No se puede.

Cómo que no se puede, le dice el marido, a lo que ella responde: Es que estoy con la regla.

Entonces el tipo hace la cabeza hacia atrás, se frota las manos con fuición y exclama ¡Qué rico… la semanita del culito!

A new aid to rapid–almost magical–learning has made its appearance. Indications are that if it catches on all the electronic gadgets will be so much junk.



The new device is known as Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge. The makers generally call it by its initials, BOOK(tm).



Many advantages are claimed over the old-style learning and teaching aids on which most people are brought up nowadays. It has no wires, no electric circuit to break down. No connection is needed to an electricity power point. It is made entirely without mechanical parts to go wrong or need replacement.



Anyone can use BOOK(tm), even children, and it fits comfortably into the hands. It can be conveniently used sitting in an armchair by the fire.



How does this revoluntionary, unbelievably easy invention work?



Basically BOOK(tm) consists only of a large number of paper sheets. These may run to hundreds where BOOK(tm) covers a lengthy program of information. Each sheet bears a number in sequence, so that the sheets cannot be used in the wrong order.



To make it even easier for the user to keep the sheets in the proper order they are held firmly in place by a special locking device called a binding.



Each sheet of paper presents the user with an information sequence in the form of symbols, which he absorbs optically for automatic registration on the brain. When one sheet has been assimilated a flick of the finger turns it over and further information is found on the other side. By using both sides of each sheet in this way a great economy is effected, thus reducing both the size and cost of BOOK(tm). No buttons need to be pressed to move from one sheet to another, to open or close BOOK(tm), or to start it working.



BOOK(tm) may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. Instantly it is ready for use. Nothing has to be connected up or switched on. The user may turn at will to any sheet, going backwards or forwards as he pleases. A sheet is provided near the beginnning as a location finder for any required information sequence.



A small accessory, available at trifling extra cost, is the



BOOK(tm)mark. This enables the user to pick up his programme where he left off on the previous learning session. BOOK(tm)mark is versatile and may be used in any BOOK(tm).



The initial cost varies with the size and subject matter. Already a vast range of BOOK(tm)s is available, covering every conceivable subject and adjusted to different levels of aptitude. One BOOK(tm), small enough to be held in the hands, may contain an entire learning schedule.



Once purchased, BOOK(tm) requires no further upkeep cost; no batteries or wires are needed, since the motive power, thanks to an ingenious device patented by the makers, is supplied by the brain of the user.



BOOK(tm)s may be stored on handy shelves and for ease of reference the program schedule is normally indicated on the back of the binding.



Altogether the Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge seems to have great advantages with no drawbacks. We predict a big future for it.







Heres the supervisors response:

=================================



BOOK(tm) does not, in spite of the claims, seem to have great advantages with no drawbacks. Soon, it probably wont even be legal. Consider:



It can be conveniently used sitting in an armchair by the fire. Being paper, it might burn in the fire. Probably fire laws in most locations wouldnt allow its use there. Worse, such a device, which encourages close proximity of the user to fire, will be outlawed by OSHAs request.



Each sheet bears a number in sequence, so that the sheets cannot be used in the wrong order. How quaint; to think that the programmer (author) would be allowed to turn over such an important task to the user! cannot is clearly misuse; any user could incorrectly turn to the wrong page. A proper user interface might correct that, of course, such as requiring that each sheet be torn off to expose the next. This is a clear conflict with The user may turn at will to any sheet, going backwards or forwards as he pleases.



BOOK(tm)s may be stored on handy shelves and for ease of reference. The user interface obviously needs more work before such a system can be practical.



the motive power — is supplied by the brain of the user.



Clearly, the inventors have not examined recent trends. No serious person would suggest even expecting a user to have a brain present, much less to use it so continuously.



Id suggest the inventors return to their consoles and do a thorough associative search of various data banks, like the rest of us, and forget this nonsense.

Experiment and theory often show remarkable agreement when performed in the same laboratory.

A man walked into a curio store and was looking around. After awhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter.

The proprietor said, that will be $10 for the brass rat and $1,000 for the story behind it. The man said, Thanks, but Ill just pay the $10 and pass on the story.

He purchased the brass rat and left the store. As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him. The further he walked — the more rats followed. He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him. So, he decided to walk out into the water, which he did — and all the rats drowned.

He returned to the store where he purchased the brass rat, and when he walked in, the proprietor said, Ah ha! You came back to pay the $1,000 for the story, right?

Nope, replied the man, Just came back to see if you have any brass lawyers!

I cant believe my terrible fate, cried Thomas. When his friends asked what was the matter, he replied, My daughter has gone off and married that loser who doesnt know how to drink or gamble.Then whats the problem? they asked. You should be glad that your son-in-law doesnt drink or gamble. Who said he doesnt drink or gamble? He does both. I said he doesnt know how to do either one properly.

Even the most devoted computer junkie cannot hold on to a machine forever. When that box on your desktop finally kicks it, dont despair – there are always a few uses for a dead PC:

Remove the fan and use it to keep cool during heat waves.
Hard drives with more than a 500MB capacity can prop open firedoors to annoy the floor warden.
Remove all the chips and sell them to third graders to place on the chairs of kids they dont like.
Use the wires to repair glasses with missing screws.
Pry the heat sink off the Pentium chip and try to pass it off as a massage attachment.
Thirty-two-bit graphics accelerators are handy for popping under the short leg that makes your table wobbly.
Replace your radios speaker with the PCs internal speaker so the local college music station will sound better.
The monitors cathode-ray tube can be used as a floatation device.
In a pinch, use the ribbon cable from your controller to hold up your pants.
Place all the screws in the casing of the power supply and use it as a noisemaker for Purim.