Old and New Jokes

How do you make Mexican chile?

Stick a popsicle up his ass.

A man went to the mall this last week to buy Valentines cards for his daughter and mother.

The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded him.

He muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have anything for ex-wives?"

The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes sir, they do have an ex category, but theyre in Sporting Goods."

; "Really?"

; "Yes sir. Theyrecalled darts."

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.

The old man says without hesitation –

I now pronounce you man and wife.

One day this blonde calls her friend and says,
Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle and I cant even figure out how to start it.

Her friend asks, What is it a puzzle of?

The blonde says, From the picture on the box, its a tiger.

Well, the friend figures that hes pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the pieces spread all over the table.

He studies them for a moment, then studies the box.

He turns to her and says, Well, no matter what I do, Im not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger.

She asks, Oh, how come?

He says, Look, never mind, lets just relax, have a cup of coffee and well put all these cornflakes back in the box.

1. Cats do what they want, when they want. 2. They rarely listen to you. 3. Theyre totally unpredictable. 4. They whine when they are not happy. 5. When you want to play they want to be left alone. 6. When you want to be alone, they want to play. 7. They expect you to cater to their every whim. 8. Theyre moody. 9. They leave their hair everywhere. 10. They drive you nuts. Conclusion: Cats are small women in fur coats.

A savings bond matures slowly, and makes money.

Q: What is the new Cuban national anthem?

A: “Row, Row, Row Your Boat.”

Whats the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?

A: Marriage.

These two Polaks are building a house. One of them is putting on the siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another nail, throws it away. Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another, throws it away. This goes on for a while, and finally his friend comes over and asks him why he is throwing half of the nails away.

He replies, Those ones were pointed on the wrong end.

The buddy gets exasperated and says… You idiot, those are for the other side of the house!

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola, and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road.

I cant stand this, said the man, tossing the can into a trash container and headed down the road toward the men. Hold it, hold it, he said to the men. Can you tell me whats going on here with this digging?

Well, we work for the government, one of the men said.

But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. Youre not accomplishing anything. Arent you wasting the taxpayers money?

You dont understand, mister, one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. Normally theres three of us – me, Rodney, and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree, and Mike here puts the dirt back.

Now just because Rodneys sick, that dont mean that Mike and me cant work.