…and they see this dog licking his privates. One of the guys turns to his friend and says I wish i could do that. His friend turns to him and says, you probably could but you would have to pet him first.
08
Nov
08
Nov
A young guy had just picked up his first date, and hed been invited round hers for dinner, which he gratefully accepted – however, he had bad flatulence and did not want the family to find this out!
However – upon arrival at his girlfriends – he discovered they had a dog – so he thinks that maybe he can get the dog blamed for his farts if he needs to. As they are sitting around the table eating – he feels one brewing up, he is sitting near the dog though – and he thinks hell try his luck!
Te tries to let the first one out quietly but makes a small noise – the girls mother yells out Spot!!! and he thinks its working!!!. A bit later he needs to do another one – this time he relaxes more and makes a bit more noise this time – again the mother yells out Spot!!! and he thinks hee hee! (or something similar!)
Anyway – after coffee he needs another one – this one is very loud, and the mother yells out Spot!!! Get out of the way before he shits on you!!!
08
Nov
On ICL mainframes, if you start the TPMS ( OLTP ) without creating a new recovery file, it tries to use the old file and then crashes with a message Slot file not virgin
If I try to boot my IBM PC without connecting keyboard, it will say keyboard error, press F1 to continue.
Now how the hell you press F1 when there is no keyboard?
07
Nov
Two nuns were driving down a country road when a naked man jumped out in front of them and began dancing lewdly.
What should we do? one sister frantically asked.
Show him your cross. the other said.
Hey, mister, the first nun yelled, as she rolled down her window, get the fuck out of my way!
07
Nov
Tres señoras están charlando y tomando café. Una de ellas comenta:
Mi hijo es sacerdote y cuando alguien va a la iglesia le dicen: ¡Ay, padre!
Otra de las señoras no se queda callada y afirma:
Ah, sÃ, pues mi hijo es uno de los seleccionados para ser Papa y cuando lo ven le dicen: ¡Ay, señor!
La tercer mujer no resiste, se para y les presume a las otras dos:
¡Ah, sÃ, pues mi hijo hace strip-tease y cuando lo ven le gritan: ¡Ay, Dios mÃo!
07
Nov
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
07
Nov
* You ski uphill. * You get a speeding ticket even when youre parked. * You have a bumper sticker that says: Coffee drinkers are good in the sack. * You answer the door before people knock. * You havent blinked since the last lunar eclipse. * You just completed another sweater and you dont know how to knit. * You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. * You sleep with your eyes open. * You have to watch videos in fast-forward. * The only time youre standing still is during an earthquake. * You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. * You lick your coffeepot clean. * You spend every vacation visiting Maxwell House. * Youre the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you dont even work there. * Youve worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. * Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. * You chew on other peoples fingernails. * The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. * Youre so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas. * You can type sixty words per minute with your feet. * You can jump-start your car without cables. * All your kids are named Joe. * You dont need a hammer to pound in nails. * Your only source of nutrition comes from Sweet & Low. * You dont sweat, you percolate. * You buy milk by the barrel. * Youve worn out the handle on your favorite mug. * You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
06
Nov
Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.
Seen at the side of a Sussex road: SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.
Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME
Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.
Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER
06
Nov
06
Nov
Because if they migrated north theyd get too cold.