Old and New Jokes

Un día Adán estaba en el paraíso cuando le dice a su compañera, ¡Eva! Se me ocurre una idea, vamos poniéndole nombres a los animales.

Eva le contesta, ¡Está bien adan! ¡Vamos!

Salieron caminando cuando de pronto ven a un animal cuadrúpedo, con melena y pelo corto. Eva dice: ¡Mira! ¡A ese hay que ponerle león!

Adán contesta: León te llamarás.

Siguieron caminando cuando ven otro animal cuadrúpedo con el cuello largo y manchas en la piel. Eva dice: ¡Mira! ¡A ese hay que ponerle… jirafa!

Adan responde: Jirafa te llamarás.

Y así siguieron poniéndole nombres a los animales, cuando de pronto ven a lo lejos un burro comiendo zacate. Y el burro se echa un pedo ¡prprprprprrrr!

Eva dice sorprendida: ¡Aaaahhh! ¡miraaa! A ese hay que ponerle El Pedorro.

Y Adán le reponde: ¡Hheee! ¡¡Pónselo tu!!

An [ethnic] gentleman walks into a bar with a frog on his head.

The bartender says Hey, whered you get that?

The frog says Well, it started out as a wart on my ass…

You have to take the bad with the worst.

Banta Singh saw that his friend santa Singh was very

depressed.

What happened ? asked banta.

Yaar, I lost Rs. 800 in a bet yesterday . How come ?

Well, yesterday, the one-day match between India and England

was being shown live on TV.I bet Rs.500 that India would win,

but I lost the bet.

But thats only Rs. 500, where did the rest go ? Yaar, I

bet on the highlights too

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In deaths agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite sugar cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered enough strength to get out bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom.

With even greater effort, he forced his boney fingers to grab the handrail and he went down the stairs, one stumbling step at a time.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for deaths agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, on the kitchen table, spread out in rows upon wax paper, were literally hundreds of his favorite sugar cookies.

Was it heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of 60 years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he lunged toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.

His parched lips were slightly parted. The wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand, driven by one last gritty effort, shakingly made its way towards a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

Stay out of those, she said, Theyre for the funeral!

A little girl and her mother are walking through a park and see two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl asks her mother what theyre are doing. After a moments hesitation, the mother replies Theyre making cakes.

The next day the little girl and her mother go to the zoo. The little girl sees two monkeys having sex, and again asks her mother what they are doing. The mother again uses the same answer Theyre making cakes.

The next morning the little girl says to her mother Mummy, You and Daddy were making cakes on the lounge last night.

The Mother replies How do you know?

The girl says I licked the icing off the sofa!

A printer is made up of three parts

1. the tray

2.the other tray

3. the blinking light

Q: How many light bulb jokes does it take to change a light bulb joke?
A: Hmmmm – the probability that a given light bulb joke will be submitted to the net in any given week is .4, and the probability that it will have changed detectably since the last transmission is .2. Hence (assuming independence, which is reasonable since no submitter of a light bulb joke ever seems to know it has been submitted before, within the last 2 or 3 weeks), the probability that it will change in a given week is .08. So it takes about 12.5 light bulb jokes to change a light bulb joke.

Two blondes were waiting for their buses. One of them was waiting for the bus number one and the other one for the bus number seven. In the meantime, the bus number seventeen came. One of them exclaimed: Oh, great! Now we can go together!

A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous redhead eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her.

Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of her socket towards the man. With his quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air.



Oh my god, I am sooooo sorry, the woman said as she popped her eye back in the socket. Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.



They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited him back to her place for a drink.



They went back to her house, and after a bit she brought him into the bedroom and began undressing him. The couple had wild, passionate sex many times during the night.



The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought him breakfast in bed.



The guy was amazed. You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?



No, she replied…. You just happened to catch my eye!