Old and New Jokes

Why is it hard for a ghost to tell a lie? Because you can see right through him.

So, the chicken and the egg were in bed, the chicken is sitting up, smoking a cigarette, and says Well, I guess that answers THAT question!!!

The sky was dark, the moon was high;

All alone, just her and I.

Her hair was so soft; her eyes so blue,

I knew just what she wanted to do.

Her skin so soft; her legs so fine,

I ran my fingers down her spine.

I didnt know how, but I tried my best;

I started by placing my hands on her breast.

I remember my fear, my fast beating heart;

But slowly she spread her legs apart.

And when I did it I felt so shame;

All at once the white stuff came.

At last its all finished; its all over now,

My first time ever at milking a cow.

My name is Bob. Driving to my office this morning on New Mexico Interstate 40 near Central & Tramway. I looked over my shoulder to the left and there was a woman in a brand new Corvette, with her face up next to the rearview mirror putting on her eye makeup.
I looked away for a few seconds, and when I looked back, there she was halfway over in my lane, still working on her eye liner!!
It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the Krispy Kreme out of my other hand. In all the confusion, of trying to straighten out the car with my knees against the steering wheel, it
knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into my Starbucks coffee between my legs, splashed and burned BIG BOB and the TWINS, ruined the phone and disconnected an important call.DAMN WOMEN DRIVERS!

In response to the request for kids growing up stories, heres one
told to me many years ago by some friends about their five-year-old
daughter Laura. The mother calls it The Kevin Incident. The father
just says, Like Mother, Like Daughter.

It seems that Laura came home from Nursery School one day and
announced that Kevin had pee-peed in the yard. Since Laura was one of
the older children in the Nursery School group, her parents wanted to
impress on her that she should try to help the younger children learn
right from wrong, so they said, Well, Laura honey, how big is Kevin?

Whereupon Laura held her two index fingers an inch or so apart and
said, Oh, about this big.

Una pareja de sordomudos estaban recién casados, y querían dejar las cosas en claro desde el principio. En su primer noche juntos conversan a señas, y la mujer le dice al marido: Querido, cuando quieras hacer el amor, me tomas mi pecho izquierdo, y si no quieres hacerlo, sólo me tomas el derecho.

El marido responde, Perfecto, ahora déjame decirte que cuando tú quieras hacer el amor, me tomas mi cosa, y la jalas una vez, pero si no quieres hacerlo, me tomas de mi cosa, y la jalas 50 veces.

El marido llega a casa y se encuentra a su esposa sudando y colorada y vestida con tan sólo un camisón. El tipo se mosquea cantidad y empieza a mirar a su alrededor: la cama está deshecha y hay un bulto tras las cortinas. Debajo de ese bulto hay un par de pies… Así que aparta las cortinas de golpe y, efectivamente, ahí detrás hay un tío en pelotas.

¿Quién es usted?

Eh… pues… soy el exterminador… yo… estaba… haciendo la inspección de polillas… ¡Sí, eso es, estaba comprobando si había polillas en esta casa!

¿Y por qué está usted desnudo?

¿Desnudo? ¡Cielos, estas polillas son peores de lo que pensaba!

An sad, old man sitting was sitting on a park bench when along came a police officer.

The officer asked the old man why he was so upset.



The old man replied, Every morning I wake up with a wonderful 20 year old blonde. She cooks great meals including sausage, and bacon and everything I love. Then we make passionate love in bed. Afterwards, she gives me a bath, with handdrawn hot water, cooks me lunch and followed by more passionate love. In the evening, well have top the day off with a fantastic diner and yet more wonderful love.



The police officer gets a puzzled look on his face and asks, Well, what seems to be the problem?



The old man replied with a sad look on his face, I cant remember where I live!

After an argument with his wife, a man stalked out of the house. He returned a few hours later to find his wife packing a suitcase. He angrily asked her where she was going.

Im moving to Las Vegas. I can make $400-500 there doing what I give you for free.

The man thought about this for a moment, then pulled out his own suitcase and began packing. His wife asked where HE was going.

Im going to Las Vegas, too. I want to see how you manage to live on $800 a year!

Moses went to the airport and saw George Bush. When Bush appraoched him and said hi Moses ignored him. Bush again tried to talk with Moses but Moses still ignored him. Whe Bush asked Moses why he was ignoring him Moses answered…

Because last time i talked to a bush I was in the dessert for40 years!