Old and New Jokes

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, What is wrong with you?

Adam said he didnt have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing shell wash it for you.

She will always agree with every decision you make.

She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when youve had a disagreement.

She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.

Adam asked God, What will a woman like this cost?

God replied, An arm and a leg.

Then Adam asked, What can I get for a rib?

The rest is history…

The hillbilly man and his new bride were on their honeymoon. The first night the hillbilly anxiously jumps into bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready for a little romance.

His new bride comes out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and says Honey, I have something to tell you. Im a virgin.

The man grabs his clothes and rushes out of the house yelling at the top of his lungs. He heads straight to his fathers house. When he gets there his father says Son, what are you doing here? Youre supposed to be on your honeymoon.

The son, almost out of breath from his run to the house says Dad, my new wife told me a big secret of hers. Shes a virgin!!!!

Damn son. You did the right thing by leaving. If she wasnt good enough for her family, she sure as hell isnt good enough for ours!

Cierto joven siempre soñó con tener una Harley Davidson. Así que un día, habiendo ahorrado suficiente fue a un dealer y compró su moto.

Luego de escogerla, el vendedor le advierte que si la deja afuera mientras llueve, puede oxidarse, así que le recomienda que siempre tenga un frasco de vaselina a la mano, para untarle a la moto.

Unos meses después, el joven se enamora de una chica y ella lo invita a cenar en su casa para conocer a sus padres. Cuando el joven llega en su moto, antes de entrar ella le advierte que en su familia hay una vieja tradición según la cual, al primero que hablara después de la cena le tocaba lavar los platos.

Después de una deliciosa cena, todos continúan sentados, esperando al primero que rompa el silencio, pues nadie quiere lavar.

Pasan 30 largos minutos y el joven, para acelerar un poco las cosas, toma a la novia y la besa enfrente de todos. ¡Nadie dice ni una palabra!

Entonces decide tomar medidas extremas. Toma a su novia, la pone sobre la mesa y tiene sexo con ella… ¡Nadie dice una palabra!

Ahora el hombre está desesperado, así que toma a la suegra, y tiene sexo con ella, de forma aún más salvaje que con la novia…

¡Pero nadie dice ni una palabra!

Ahora,el joven está a punto de reventar y no sabe qué hacer, cuando en la distancia oye unos truenos… Su primer pensamiento es proteger la Harley Davidson. Así que saca del bolsillo la vaselina…

Entonces el padre dice:

¡Está bien, yo lavo, carajo!

A man is drowning in the sea.Help me, Lord, he cries.



Just then, a fishing trawler comes by. Climb on board yells the skipper.



No, no, no, says the drowning man. The Lord will save me.



OK,we will be on our way, then, replies the captain.



Two minutes later a rescue helicopter landed along-side the poor chap, and the pilot threw a rope into the fierce waves. I do not need any help, cries the breathless man, The Lord will come and rescue me.



Moments later the guy drowns, and finds himself in heaven. On meeting God, the man weeps: Lord, I was waiting for you to rescue me from my watery tomb. Why did you not save me?



God replies: You daft sod. I sent you a boat and a bloody helicopter!

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops in a bar for a beer.

As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying NERDS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK! He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says, You smell kind of nerdy, and just what do you do for a living?

The truck driver says, I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers Im hauling.

The bartender says, OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long.

The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver asks, Why did you do that?

The bartender said, Oh, dont worry, the nerds are over-populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You dont even need a license.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, And heads back onto the freeway.

Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway.

He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He cant let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, Whats wrong? I thought nerds were in season.

Sure, said the patrolman, But you cant bait em.

What a woman says:

This place is a mess!

Cmon, you and I need to clean,

Your stuff is lying on the floor

and youll have no clothes to wear

if we dont do laundry right now!



What a man hears:

blah, blah, blah, blah, CMON

blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I

blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR

blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES

blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

There is is this guy and he has three mistresses. Well, he decides that he only wants to have one, so he has to choose. He decides on a way to choose by giving them each $150 and telling them to go off and spend it how they see fit.

The first girl comes back and announces that she has spent the $150 on a complete makeover and new hair-do. The guy thinks that is really nice.

The second girl comes back and announces that she has spent the $150 on a new see through nightie. The guy thinks that is really nice too.

The third girl comes back and puts a wad of money onto the table in front of him. Whats this ? he asks. The girl explains that she has taken the $150 and invested it and made $2000 with it. The guy is really impressed by this but now he has to go away and decide who he will keep. So who do you think he picks ????? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

The one with the biggest BOOBS, of course!

Top10 Reasons E-Mail is Like a Penis:

10. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.

9. Those who have it think that those who dont are somehow inferior.

8. Those who dont have it may agree that its neat, but think its not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.

7. Many of those who dont have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call E-mail Envy.

6. Its more fun when its up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.

5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think thats the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.

4. If you dont take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.

3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

2. If youre not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

And the number one reason Why e-mail is like a penis.

1. If you play with it too much, youll go blind!

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Bette-lou!
Bette-lou who?
Betty-lou a few pounds!