Old and New Jokes

Clinton is out jogging around in some of the seedier areas of Washington D.C. He notices a good looking prostitute. She sees this and calls out: Fifty dollars! He is tempted, but the price is a little high. So he calls back: Five! She is disappointed and turns away and Bill continues his jog.

A few days later, he finds himself jogging in the same area and as luck would have it, the prostitute is still there. But she want not come down on her price. Fifty! she shouts and Bill answers her: Five! No sale.

About a week later, Hillary has decided that she wants to get into shape so she demands to go jogging with Bill. They get to the seedy part of town and the same prostitute is still there. She eyes Bill and Hillary together and yells: See what you get for five dollars!

Yo mamas so ugly, when God was giving out looks she was haging out with Whoopi Goldberg!

Did you know?

In ancient England people could not have sex unless they had consent of the king (unless they were in the Royal Family).

When people wanted to have a baby, they had to get the consent of the king, and the king gave them a placard that they hung on their door while they were having sex.

The placard had F.U.C.K. (Fornication Under Consent of the King) written on it.

Hence thats where the word FUCK came from. Now, arent you glad you learned something new today?

Another possibly inaccurate (but more widely accepted) theory is that the word FUCK derives from the old English legal term for fornication, which is For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge.

Theres a Canadian an American and an Iraqi. Each is challenged to go into and remain in a house for ten minutes. The prize is $10,000 dollars. What they dont know is that there is a skunk in the house!

The Canadian goes in and runs out after five seconds, It stinks in there!

The American goes in and last ten seconds.

Then the Iraqi goes in and five seconds later the skunk runs out!

Q: What do you call a leper in a Jacuzzi?





A: Soup.

A man is passing a butchers shop and sees a sign: Special Offer – Brains

Cow brainsa penny a pound
Sheep brains2 pounds a pound
Pig brains2 pounds a pound
Doctor brains50 pounds a pound
Engineer brains50 pounds a pound
Programmer brains50 pounds a pound
Lawyer brains1000 pounds a pound

and he goes into the shop and says to the butcher Excuse me, I couldnt help noticing your sign – I suppose the cow brains are so much cheaper than the other brains because of the Mad Cow Disease scare.

Thats right says the butcher.

And, continues the man, I suppose the lawyer brains are so much more expensive than the other brains because theyre such high quality.

Not at all, says the butcher do you know how many lawyers you gotta kill to get a pound of brain?

In a small town there existed a jokes club. They met once a week and told each
other jokes. It turned out that the same jokes were repeated on and on. In order
to be able to tell more jokes in an evening the club decided to give a number to
each joke. The members had to learn the numbers and so they only had to tell the
number of the joke.

One day a visitor was invited to join a session.

Somebody shouted, 94! Twenty seconds of laughter followed.

123! Ten seconds of laughter.

74! Twelve seconds of laughter.

And so on it went all the evening. The visitor was somehow puzzled. At some
point he decided also to shout a number, 365! There followed more than five
minutes of laughter. The visitor was even more puzzled.

After the audience came back to silence, he asked the man next to him, Why were
you laughing such a long time?

The man answered, It was the first time we heard this joke.

It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy. Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest. — S. den Hartog, Ph D. Thesis Universtity of Groningen.

I dont think so, therefore Im probably not.

– Alan Smithee

I will give up my pun when they pry my cold, dead zingers from around it.