Old and New Jokes

The kinderkarten teacher started school every morning by teaching the kids one new English word. She would then ask them to make sentences to show they understand the use of the word.

On this particular morning she chose the word frugal and explained that it has to do with saving, like if you are frugal, you save.

The kids really had trouble trying to make sentences with this one, untileventually little Sally gets up and says she has a story …

One day, many many years ago there was a beautiful princess who lived in a wonderful castle in a wonderful land. One afternoon the little princess went for a walk in the woods outside the castle, picking flowers as she went.

Suddenly, after a while she realised that she had lost her way and had no idea how to get back to the castle.

Fortunately just then she noticed a clearing in the woods ahead, and in the middle of the clearing sat a handsome prince on his white horse!

So she ran to the prince and said, Oh prince, frugal me, frugal me, and he frugalled her and they lived happily ever after

A woman went to her shrink because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, Do you ever watch your husbands face while you are having sex? Well, yes, I actually did once. And how did your husband look? Angry, very angry.

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, Well thats very interesting, we must look into this further.

Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husbands face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that time?

He was looking through the window at us!

Hold mouse up to ear like a cell phone and yell I cant hear you!!! Youre going to have to speak louder!Play Pac Man and state to person next to you, These new games are incredible!Practice spinning mouse mat on index finger globe trotter routine.Put your monitors contrast and brightness on full. With wide open eyes yell Its going to implode!Tell the cashier you wish to redeem your free 1000 hours and hand him a bag full of collected AOL promo CDs.Typing hard and loudly looking behind you yell, STOP MAKING ME TYPE THIS – IT WILL ONLY MAKE THINGS WORSE!Sit at the web terminal… without a chair.Wheel your leather executive chair into Internet cafe and up to the computer with the largest monitor. Sit down, turn to the person next to you handing them a stack of papers, Get these photocopied right away, the president wants them by end of day.
Casually look around the room for people in chat rooms, log into the same chat room and after a brief and somewhat disturbing conversation state Your blue jeans go well with your white shirt.Use computers speakers to play collection of Sesame Street MP3s.Dress up in ragged and worn clothes. Walk into an Internet cafe that uses Windows with squeegee and bucket, begin to squeegee monitors for spare change.Draw two red lines on either end of the floor with a marker, recruit other interested racers and rev up your wheelie chairs.Turn off the lights and have a Star Wars light sabre moment with your optical mouse. (Darth Vader sounds are encouraged for extra fun).Show up in hand cuffs and gagged mouth. Use foot to navigate mouse and visit escaped fugitives guide web site.Put 1.44 disk in drive and have person next to you do the same. Place bets and EJECT – furthest disk is the winner!In the middle of writing an email, turn monitor off and sigh Ahhh not again!!!, turn monitor back on and utter Oh thank god!. Repeat until you see concern

Q: How many Atlantians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: That depends, which household does it belong to?

Un pájaro volaba tranquilamente disfrutando del día. Distraído, comenzó a volar demasiado alto y empezó a sentir frío. Antes de que pudiera encontrar una corriente de aire más caliente, comenzó a nevar y el pájaro se congeló y cayó al suelo. En el colmo de la mala suerte, llegó una vaca y cagó sobre él.

Como el estiércol estaba tibio, el pájarillo comenzó a descongelarse y, sintiéndose otra vez bien, empezó a cantar. Un gato que andaba cerca escuchó el ruido y se preguntó que sucedía; así que se acercó al montón de estiércol y comenzó a removerlo. Pronto encontró al pajarillo y se lo comió de un bocado.

Esta historia tiene tres moralejas: Primera, no todos los que se cagan encima de ti son tus enemigos. Dos, no todos los que te sacan del estiércol son tus amigos. Y tres, cuando te sientas tibio y feliz, y te parezca que la suerte te sonríe, debes mantener tu bocota bien cerrada!

A: Because they both lose their bark when they die.

A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmers soul the preacher asked the man, Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, Naw, these are soybeans.

You dont understand, said the preacher. Are you a Christian?

With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here.

The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, Are you lost?

Naw! Ive lived here all my life, answered the farmer.

Are you prepared for the resurrection? the frustrated preacher asked.

This caught the farmers attention and he asked, Whens it gonna be?

Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day.

Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, Well, dont mention it to my wife. She dont get out much and shell wanna go all three days.

This is not a chain letter. It was not started decades ago in the
Netherlands, nor was it perpetrated centuries ago by some deranged monk on
Easter Island (which is highly unlikely in the first place, since EMACS
only works on smart display terminals, and they werent available on Easter
Island back then, due largely to the U.S. state departments vigorous ban on
exportation of advanced technology to deranged monks on equatorial islands).

There is no luck associated with this letter. Hence, it is
pointless to send five copies of this letter to people you like. In fact,
it is vigorously discouraged, since, by sending this letter through the
postal service, you are needlessly burdening an already overworked system.
You also increase the chance of the postal service losing mail. Murphys
Law will take effect here, resulting in your letter being delivered the next
day, and a Red Cross package to a needy individual in Zimbabwe to be
accidentally re-routed to Hackensack, New Jersey, thus becoming lost
forever. You do not stand a chance, however, of displacing any junk mail.

If you break the chain, and fail to send five copies of this letter
to other unfortunate individuals, then absolutely nothing extraordinary will
happen to you. If, on the other hand, you do propagate five copies of this
letter, then absolutely nothing extraordinary will happen to you, either.

Leo L. Schwab

Q: How can you tell when there is a drummer at your front door?
A: The knocking gets faster.

One child is not enough, but two children are far too many.