Old and New Jokes

At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range
had been canceled for the second year in a row, but
the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on
as planned.

One soldier mused, Does it bother anyone else that
the Army doesnt seem to care how well we can shoot,
but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?

I give you now Professor Twist

A conscientious scientist.

Trustees exclaimed, He never bungles!

And sent him off to distant jungles.

Camped on a tropic riverside,

One day his missed his loving bride.

She had, the guide informed him later,

Been eaten by an alligator.

Professor Twist could not but smile.

You mean, he said, a crocodile.

by Ogden Nash

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of Lifesaver candies and said, Children, Id like you to close your eyes and taste these. The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons, and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored Lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped. Ill give you a hint, said the teacher. Its something your mommy and daddy probably call each other all the time. Instantly, Lil Johnnie coughed his onto the floor and shouted, Spit em out! Spit em out! Theyre assholes!!

A doctor had just delivered twins. They were a boy and a girl.

The head nurse brought them out for their father to see.

He could hardly believe his good fortune. The girl baby had a pink blanket wrapped around her and the boy baby was enclosed in a blue blanket. He took one step forward just so he could touch the babies and believe they had finally arrived.

As he started to touch them the nurse took a step backwards and said, You cant touch those babies. You arent sterile!

With out missing a beat, he retorted Youre telling ME Im not sterile?!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Dora!
Dora who?
Dora wood!

La Asociación Hispanoamericana de mujeres se queja (como siempre), ya que según ellas, la gramática castellana es machista.

Esto es sacado del diccionario:

Zorro: Espadachín justiciero

Zorra: Puta

Perro: Mejor amigo del hombre

Perra: Puta

Caminador: Individuo activo; que camina

Caminadora: Puta

Aventurero: Osado; valiente; arriesgado; hombre de mundo

Aventurera: Puta

Ambicioso: Visionario; enérgico; con metas

Ambiciosa: Puta

Cualquier: Fulanito, Mengano, Zutano

Cualquiera: Puta

Regalado: Apellido; participio del verbo regalar

Regalada: Puta

Bicho: Insecto

Bicha: Puta

Callejero: De la calle; urbano

Callejera: Puta

Hombrezuelo: Hombrecillo; pequeñito

Mujerzuela: Puta

Hombre público: Personaje prominente

Mujer pública: Puta

Q: Are birth control pills deductible?

A: Only if they dont work.

A man wants to celebrate his wifes Birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake.

The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.

Well he thinks for a while and says lets put, you are not getting older you are getting better.

The salesman asks how do you want me to put it?

The man says, Well put You are not getting older, at the top and You are getting better at the bottom.

The real fun didnt start until the cake was opened the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake You are not getting older at the top You are getting better at the bottom

(True(?) story heard on WVBF, Boston this morning:)

Apparently this womans miniature schnauzer had an infection
in its ear. The vet told her that it was due to an ingrown
hair and that the best treatment would be to remove the
hair with a depilatory cream. The women went to a drug store
and asked the druggist for assistance in selecting an
appropriate product. He went on about how some were better
for use on legs and how some were gentler and better for
removing facial hair. He then said, May I ask where you
intend to use this?

She replied Well, its for my schnauzer.

He said, OK, but you shouldnt ride a bike for two weeks.

Experience is something you dont get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

If cats and dogs didnt have fur would we still pet them?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?