Old and New Jokes

1. If I like it, its mine.
2. If its in my mouth, its mine.
3. If I can take it from you, its mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, its mine.
5. If Im chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.
7. If it just looks like mine, its mine.
8. If I saw it first, its mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If its broken, its yours.

I was just stepping into the shower this morning when my SO
handed me the phone, telling me it was someone from a long
distance company. I was eager to get into the shower; my
conversation went like this:

Me: Hello?

Him: Hello, sir. Im from <Major long distance carrier>. How would
you like to save money off your long distance calling?

Me: If I told you that I was very happy with my current carrier, would
that preclude any further conversation?

Him: Actually, no, sir. I have to hear a certain number of nos before
I let you go.

Me: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Him: Have a nice day, sir. <Click>

Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating



10. You get winded from knocking on the door.



9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.



8. You ask for high fiber candy only.



7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balanceand fall over.



6. People say, Great Keith Richards mask! and youre not wearing a mask.



5. When the door opens you yell, Trick or… and cant remember the rest.



4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.



3. You have to carefully choose a costume that wont dislodge your hairpiece.



2. Youre the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.



1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

Bernie was invited to his friends home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, That is really nice. After all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names.



Morris hung his head and whispered, To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago.

The real name of the Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III.

Nowadays he is known as Bill Gates (III), where III means the order of third (3rd.)

By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII-values and adding his (III), you get the following:

B…….66

I…….73

L…….76

L…….76

G…….71

A…….65

T…….84

E…….69

S…….83

……..3

————–

…….666 !!

Some might ask, How did Bill Gates get so powerful? Coincidence?

Or just the beginning of mankinds ultimate and total enslavement???

YOU decide!

Before you decide, consider the following:

M S – D O S 6 . 2 1

77 83 45 68 79 83 32 54 46 50 49 = 666

W I N D O W S 9 5

87 73 78 68 79 87 83 57 53 1 = 666

Coincidence? I think not.

An elderly English couple, the wife rather deaf, were visiting New York.
They hail a cab and start out on a lengthy journey. It being New York, it
isnt long before the driver starts talking.

Driver: Youre limeys, arent you?
Man: Aye, we are.
Wife: What did he say?
M: He asked if we were English and I said we were.
W: Ah.

D: I was in England, during the war.
M: Oh aye.
W: What did he say?
M: He said he was in England during the war.
W: Ah.

D: I was in Burnley, in Lancashire. You know it?
M: Yes, thats where we come from.
W: What did he say?
M: He said he was in England during the war – near Burnley.
W: Ah.

D: Do you know a patch of woodland just south of Burnley?
M: Aye, I know it.
W: What did he say?
M: He asked if we knew the woods south of Burnley and I said we did.
W: Ah.

D: You know, it was in those woods, during the war, I had the worst
fuck Ive ever had in my entire life.
W: What did he say?
M: He says he knows you.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Dozen!
Dozen who?
Dozen anyone ever answer the door!

Q: How many keyboardists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Lightbulbs? Cmon, I got sunlight, fluorescent, candles-anything you want.

Érase una pareja de campesinos que después de tanto añorar tener un hijo, al fin consiguieron su cometido: tuvieron un niño al que le llamaron Tiros.

Tiros creció como cualquier niño normal y, una vez alcanzada la mayoría de edad, se fue para la capital.

Después de algunos meses sin tener noticias de Tiros, el dueño de la tienda del pueblo, que había estado leyendo el periódico, llamó al padre de Tiros diciéndole:

Compadre, venga a ver esto, hay noticias de Tiros en el periódico.

El titular decía: TIROS EN LA UNIVERSIDAD.

El padre de Tiros se puso tan feliz que mató una lechona y celebraron por 3 días el orgullo de que su hijo estuviera en la universidad.

Paso algún tiempo y después volvió el compadre:

Compadre, noticias de Tiros: TIROS EN LA ASAMBLEA.

¡Oh amigo, mi hijo legislador, vamos a celebrar, yo sabia que ese muchacho llegaba lejos…! Y mataron una vaca.

Al tiempo volvieron a tener noticias de Tiros, pero esta vez el compadre le dijo:

¡Ay compadre, cómo siento tener que decirle esto! ¡Mejor léalo usted mismo, porque yo no tengo corazón para darle esa noticia tan triste!:

ESTUDIANTES Y POLICÍAS SE COGEN A TIROS.

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the drivers side door with him standing right there.

NOOO! he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same.

Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!! he exclaimed.

Youre a lawyer arent you? asked the policeman. Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?! the lawyer asked.

HA! You lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didnt even notice that your left arm is missing did you? the cop said.

The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed, MY ROLEX!