Old and New Jokes

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?

A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

Q: How do you kill a blonde?

A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?

A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

You better C-sharp or youll B-flat.

Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian?

A: She liked kids…

In the early 1930s, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

$10 for 3 minutes, replied the pilot. Thats too much, said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, Ill make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, youll have to pay $10.

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man.

Maybe so, said the farmer, But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out.

A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. Hes got spiked, multicolored hair thats green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of colorful leather rags. His legs are bare and he is without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry, and his earrings are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just stares at him for the next 10 miles. Finally, the punker gets a little miffed and barks at the old man: What is with you? Didnt you ever do anything wild when you were young? Without missing a beat, the old man replies, I remember back when I was young and in the Navy I got really drunk one night in Singapore. Couldnt control myself. Had sex with a parrot. I was just sitting here wondering if you were my son.

A man came into a restaurant and looked for a place to sit down, when he noticed
an old man sitting in front of a dish of soup. But the old man was not eating
it.

What a pity, thought the biker. This man is not eating his soup, but I am
hungry. Eating his soup will be a good idea and I wont have to pay for it.

He sat at the old mans table, arrogantly just took his soup and started eating
it. The old man did not react. When he was almost finished, he found a hairy
comb at the bottom of the dish. He immediately vomited the soup back into the
dish.

Thats strange, said the old man. Thats just as far as I got.

You might be a Redneck if…

Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, The feud is back on!

There is a gun rack on your bicycle.

Your wedding was held in the delivery room.

Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.

Your wifes hairdo attracts bees.

Your babys first words are Attention K-Mart shoppers.

The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.

Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.

You picked your teeth from a catalog.

Youve ever financed a tattoo.

Is There a Santa Claus? A Rebuttal…



Rebuttal: Several key points are overlooked by this callous, amateurish study.



Flying reindeer: As is widely known due to the excellent historical documentary Santa Claus is Coming to Town, the flying reindeer are not a previously unknown species of reindeer, but were in fact given the power of flight due to eating magic acorns. As is conclusively proven in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (a no-punches- pulled look at life in Santas village), this ability has bred true in subsequent generations of reindeer–obviously the magic acorns imprinted their power on a dominant gene sequence within the reindeer DNA strand.



Number of households: This figure overlooks two key facts. First of all, the first major schism in the Church split the Eastern Churches, centered in Byzantium, from the Western, which remained centered in Rome. This occurred prior to the Gregorian correction to the Julian calendar. The Eastern churches (currently called Orthodox Churches) do not recognize the Gregorian correction for liturgical events, and their Christmas is, as a result, several days after that of the Western Churches. Thus, Santa gets two shots at delivering toys.



Secondly, the figure of 3.5 children per household is based on the gross demographic average, which includes households with no children at all. The number of children per household, when figured as an average for households with children, would therefore have to be adjusted upward. Also, the largest single Christian denomination is Roman Catholic, who, as we all know, breed like rabbits. If you dont believe me, ask my four brothers and two sisters–theyll back me up. Due to the predominance of Catholics within Christian households, the total number of households containing Christian children would have to be adjusted downward to reflect the overloading of Catholics beyond a standard deviation from the median.



Also, the assertion that each home would contain at least one good child would be reasonable enough if there were in fact an even 3.5 children per household. However, since the number of children per household is distributed integrally, there is a significant number (on the order of several million) of one-child Christian households. Even though only children are notoriously spoiled–and therefore disproportionately inclined toward being naughty–since its the holidays well be generous and give them a fifty-fifty chance of being nice. This removes one half of the single-child households from Santas delivery schedule, which has already been reduced by the removal of the Orthodox households from the first delivery run.



Santas delivery run (speed, payload, etc.): These all suffer from the dubious supposition that there is only one Santa Claus. The name Santa is obviously either Spanish or Italian, two ethnic groups which are both overwhelmingly Catholic. The last name Claus suggests a joint German/

Insanity is hereditary. Parents get it from their kids.

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking Im a dog.

Doctor: Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.

But Im not allowed up on the couch!

Doctor, Doctor Youve got to help me – I just cant stop my hands shaking!

Doc: Do you drink a lot?

Not really – I spill most of it!

Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?

Doc: Of course. Just take this hammer and smash yourself in the head.

Then youll have a bad headache.

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking Im God!

Doc: When did this start?

Well first I created the sun, then the earth, then the…

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee!

Doc: Have you ever tried it by taking the spoon out FIRST?

Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?

Doc: I never make rash promises!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking Im a frog!

Doc: So whats wrong with that?

I think Im going to croak!