Old and New Jokes

Whats the difference between a bird and a fly?
A bird can fly but a fly cant bird.

A Catholic boy and a Mormon boy are arguing about which is smarter. The Catholic boy suggests they go to his priest in the Catholic cathedral and ask him to help them resolve the problem.

Upon entering the cathedral, the Catholic boy tells the priest of their problem figuring out who was smarter – to which the priest quickly replied, Well, the Catholic boy is smarter, of course.

The Mormon boy wasnt convinced, so he asked the priest to prove it. So, the priest pointed up to the large wall in the cathedral where a huge cross with the crucifix stood – also with the two people crucified on either side of Him also on the wall.

The priest asked the Mormon boy who the man in the center was, to which he quickly replied, Thats Jesus on the cross – of course!

The priest nodded approvingly, then asked, now who is that on the right of Him? The Mormon boy didnt know.

Now who is that on His left? The Mormon boy didnt know that one either.

The smug priest now questioned the Catholic boy with the same questions – to which he answered all three correctly: Who is that in the center? – Jesus, of course! answered the catholic boy.

Who is that on the right? – That represents the Pope! said the boy.

Who is that on the left? – Thats the High Priest of the Catholic Church! answered the boy confidently.

The catholic priest turned and smiled confidently at the little Mormon boy and said, See? Its clear the Catholics are smarter…, to which the Mormon boy replied, Thats not fair! All we were taught was that Jesus was crucified between a liar and a thief!

A gentleman fellow was playing a leisurely round of golf one day, when he happened to shoot a hole in one. When he reached down to pluck his ball from the hole, a genie appeared and said she would grant him *ONE* wish.

He complained, saying that usually genies granted *THREE* wishes, not just one, but the genie would not give in. The man, not being well-endowed, wished for it to grow.

With a flash, the genie was gone.

Over the next few weeks, the mans dick did grow … and grow … and grow, until it reached his knees.

Amazed, and somewhat concerned, the man decided something must be done about it. He returned to the golf course and shot thousands of balls until he finally got another hole in one.

Once again the genie appeared and said, Hey, I remember you … what do you want this time? The man gazed down at himself and explained his dilemma to the genie.

So you want me to make it smaller? the genie asked.

Oh, no! the man said. I want you to make me taller.

Dos grandes amigos tomaban unas copas en un bar, cuando uno de ellos le manifiesta al otro:

Fíjate que he decidido suicidarme porque la vida me ha tratado muy mal.

No puedo creer que quieras matarte, pero respeto tu decisión.

Así es, me voy a matar, aquí traigo una pistola para hacerlo, pero antes quiero pedirte un favor.

Sí, claro, el que quieras, para eso son los amigos.

Una cosa me ha faltado probar en mi vida y es es el sexo con un hombre; quiero que me hagas el favor de metérmela, que al cabo nadie lo va a saber, yo ya me voy a matar y sé que tú no vas a decir nada.

No muy convencido, el amigo acepta. Se van a la parte trasera del bar y ahí le da duro por el culo a su amigo. Cuando terminan, regresan a la mesa en que estaban y le pregunta al futuro suicida:

¿Entonces qué, a qué hora te vas a matar?

¿Matar? ¿Yo? ¡¿Ahora que empiezo a vivir?!

Unos recién casados, en la noche de bodas, hacen el amor como locos; con frenesí durante toda la noche. En la mañana, como no había nadie cerca, se zambullen, desnudos, en un río cercano; el agua estaba muy fría. La muchacha observa a su marido y exclama:

“Oye, ¿con ése estuvimos toda la noche?”

“¡Sí, y casi nos lo acabamos!”, responde el joven tiritando de frío.

Una pareja de enamorados. El hombre pregunta:

¿Es verdad que yo soy el primer hombre en tu vida?

Ella lo mira con atención y luego, asintiendo, responde:

Tal vez. ¡Con razón yo pensé que te había visto en alguna parte!

Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

Yo mama has a wooden leg with branches.

Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five – one to change the bulb and four to protect him from muggers.