A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving really badly, so she got pulled over by a cop. The cop walked up to her window and asked, Lady, why are you driving so recklessly? The blonde said, Im sorry sir, but wherever I go, theres always a tree in front of me and I cant seem to get away from it! The cop looked at her and said, Lady, its your air freshener!
04
May
04
May
Q:Knock Knock Whos There Arentcha Aretcha Who A:Arentcha You Gonna Get Back To Work
03
May
Why do they report power outages on TV?
03
May
FOREIGN GOOFS
Bite the wax tadpole.
– Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese
Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave.
– ad slogan Pepsi Comes Alive as originally translated into Chinese
I am a jelly doughnut
– English translation of John F. Kennedy speaking at the Berlin Wall
We pray for MacArthurs erection.
– sign erected by Japanese citizens in Tokyo, when MacArthur was considering a run for President
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
– from a guest directory at a Japanese hotel, 1991
It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant.
– Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad
MISCELLANEOUS
Im not against the blacks and a lot of the good blacks will attest to that.
– Evan Mecham, then governor of Arizona
Nixon has been sitting in the White House while George McGovern has been exposing himself to the people of the United States.
– Frank Licht, then governor of Rhode Island, campaigning for McGovern in 1972
Retraction: The Greek Special is a huge 18 inch pizza and not a huge 18 inch penis, as described in an add. Blondies Pizza would like to apologize for any confusion Fridays ad may have caused.
– correction printed in The Daily Californian
Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! Its rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing for the Padres!
– Jerry Coleman, Padres radio announcer
I want you to take your balls in your hand and bounce them on the floor and then throw them as high as you can. Now, have you all got your balls in your hands?
– announcer of childrens radio show Life With Mother to her audience
They X-Rayed my head and found nothing.
– Jerome Dizzy Dean
The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nations history … this centurys history … We all lived in this century. I didnt live in this century.
– Dan Quayle
03
May
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We cant tell you. Youre not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We cant tell you. Youre not a monk.
The man says, All right, all right. Im *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, You must travel the Earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have traveled the Earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the Earth.
The monks reply, Congratulations! You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound. The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, The sound is right behind that door.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, Real funny. may I have the key? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He asks for yet another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is *another* door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst …
Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door.
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I cant tell you what it is because … youre not a monk!
02
May
02
May
Difficult words to say when you are drunk……
* Innovative
* Preliminary
* Proliferation
Impossible words to say when you are drunk…..
* Thanks, but I dont want sex
* No, I dont want another drink
* No Kebab for me, thanks
* Sorry, but you are not quite good looking enough for me
* Good evening officer
02
May
Blonde #1: Have you ever read Shakespeare?
Blonde #2: No, who wrote it?
02
May
Picard:
Sigma Indri, thats the star,
So, Data, please, how far? How far?
Data:
Our ship can get there very fast
But still the trip will last and last
Well have two days til we arrive
But can the Indrans there survive?
Picard:
LaForge, please give us factor nine.
LaForge:
But, sir, the engines are offline!
Picard:
Offline! But why? I want to go!
Please make it so, please make it so!
Riker:
But sir, if Geordi says we cant,
We cant, we mustnt, and we shant,
The danger here is far too great!
Picard:
But surely we must not be late!
Troi:
Im sensing anger and great ire.
Computer:
Alert! Alert! The ships on fire!
Picard:
The ships on fire? How could this be?
Who lit the fire?
Riker:
Not me.
Worf:
Not me.
Picard:
Computer, how long til we die?
Computer:
Eight minutes left to say goodbye.
Data:
May I suggest a course to take?
We could, I think, quite safely make
Extinguishers from tractor beams
And stop the fire, or so it seems…
Geordi:
Hurray! Hurray! Youve saved the day!
Again I say, Hurray! Hurray!
Picard:
Mr. Data, thank you much.
Youve saved our lives, our ship, and such.
Troi:
We still must save the Indran planet —
Data:
Which (by the way) is made of granite…
Picard:
Enough, you android. Please desist.
We understand — we get your gist.
But can we get our ship to go?
Please, make it so, PLEASE make it so.
Geordi:
Theres sabotage among the wires
And thats what started all the fires.
Riker:
We have a saboteur? Oh, no!
We need to go! We need to go!
Troi:
We must seek out the traitor spy
And lock him up and ask him why?
Worf:
Ask him why? How sentimental.
I say give him problems dental.
Troi:
Are any Romulan ships around?
Have scanners said that theyve been found?
Or is it Borg or some new threat
We havent even heard of yet?
I sense no malice in this crew.
Now what are we supposed to do?
Crusher:
Captain, please, the Indrans need us.
They cry out, Help us, clothe us, feed us!
I cant just sit and let them die!
A doctor MUST attempt — MUST try!
Picard:
Doctor, please, well get there soon.
Crusher:
They may be dead by Tuesday noon.
*COMMERCIAL BREAK, COMMERCIAL BREAK
HOW LONG WILL THESE DUMB ADS TAKE?*
Worf:
The saboteur is in the brig.
Hes very strong and very big.
I had my phaser set on stun —
A zzzip! A zzzap! Another one!
He would not budge, he would not fall,
He would not stun, no, not at all!
He changed into a stranger form
All soft and purple, round and warm.
Picard:
Did you see this, Mr. Worf?
Did you see this creature morph?
Worf:
I did and then I beat him fairly.
Hit him on the jaw — quite squarely.
Riker:
My commendations, Klingon friend!
Our troubles now are at an end!
Crusher:
Now lets get our ship to fly
And orbit yonder Indran sky!
Picard:
LaForge, please tell me we can go…?
Geordi:
Yes, sir, we can.
Picard:
Then make it so!
02
May
Hodgee comes to the United States from India, and hes only here a few months when he becomes very ill. He goes to doctor after doctor, but none of them can help him. Finally, he goes to an Indian doctor.
The doctor says, Take dis bucket, go into de other room, shit in de bucket, piss on de shit, and then put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.
Hodgee takes the bucket, goes into the other room, shits in the bucket, pisses on the shit, bends over, and breathes in the fumes for ten minutes.
Then he comes back to the doctor and says, It worked. I feel terrific. What was it?
The doctor says, You were homesick.