Old and New Jokes

20. Combination paperweight/stapler for Picards desk.
19. The ball in Parisis Squares.
18. Hood ornament for shuttlecraft.
17. Replace Trois broken Chia Pet.
16. Scare blind students in Braille class.
15. Prop open doors for maintainence crews.
14. Lawn decoration in Arboreteum.
13. Footstool for Captains chair.
12. Entertaining kids in day care puppet show.
11. Scare Alexander into doing chores.
10. Send to doctor that killed Crystalline Entity as gag gift.
9. Decorative air filter in Picards fish tank.
8. Send to Starfleet Android Research Center, so they can get a head in research.
7. Trade to Ferengi for Star Trek Hologram cards.
6. Two words: tether ball!
5. Keep Worfs coffee table from shaking.
4. Centerpiece in Ten Forward buffet.
3. Donate to Starfleet Academy to be Head of the Class.
2. Use as nutcracker at Christmas time.

   And the number one use for Datas detatchable head …

1. Prove to insurance company he died so crew can collect on his life insurance policy.

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joes place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that hed started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldnt be better.

Bob thought hed give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!

Dictionary of Evaluation Comments

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.

DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.

JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.

– Redneck Driving Etiquette –

Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.

Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.



– Redneck Personal Hygiene –

Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.

If you have to vacuum the bed, its time to change the sheets.

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using ones OWN truck keys.

Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work.

A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours.

Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.



– Redneck Dining Out –

Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.



– Redneck Entertaining in Your Home –

A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are.

If your dog falls in love with a guests leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.



– Redneck Dating (Outside the Family) –

Always offer to bait your dates hook, especially on the first date.

Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: Ive been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the mens bathroom wall two years ago.

If a girls name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, watertower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.



– Redneck Theater Etiquette –

Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they cant hear you.



– Redneck Wedding Etiquette –

Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.

Its is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.

When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.

A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent.

For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbundand a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance.

Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.



– Redneck Etiquette for All Occasions –

Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.

Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

Always say Excuse me after getting sick in someone elses car.

Its considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

Even if youre certain that you are included in the will, its considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.

Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.

Why did the mirror have 6 holes in it?

A blonde tried to shoot herself!

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

Momma, look what I found, the boy called out.

What have you got there, dear? his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boys voice, he answered: I think its Adams suit!

After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.

When they arrived at the counsellors office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. What seems to be the problem? Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.

The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!

The husband scratched his head and replied, I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Mr. Brown: Give me a round trip ticket.

Agent: Where to?

Mr. Brown: Back here of course.

Mr. Brown: I put one over on the airline today.

Mr.Green: How?

Mr. Brown: I bought a return ticket, and Im not coming back.

Mr. Brown: Say stewardess, how high is this plane?

Stewardess: About 30,00 feet.

Mr. Brown: I see, how wide is it?

A: Wanna fly?

B: Sure.

A: OK, I will catch one for you.

If it werent for airplane schedules, wed never know if the planes were late.

Estas son las leyes más importantes que uno debe tomar en cuenta antes, durante y después de que se descomponga la computadora.

BUENOS Y MALOS TRABAJOS

– Para que una computadora haga un trabajo bien tiene que destruir dos trabajos importantes.

– Si no se cuenta con trabajos importantes destruirá dos de los trabajos de mayor tamaño.

– Si no hay trabajos en absoluto destruirá dos de las aplicaciones más importantes.

– Si no hay aplicaciones importantes destruirá la estructura del sistema operativo.

– Si no hay sistema operativo es un televisor, no una computadora.

INTERNET

– La posibilidad de encontrar virus en Internet es la de encontrar bacterias en tu culo.

– La información falsa en Internet se duplica cada segundo que pasa.

a) Hay demasiada información falsa en Internet, pero nosotros creemos que la nuestra siempre es verdadera.

b) Si sigue multiplicándose la información para el año 2010 ninguna búsqueda tendrá sentido.

– Siempre que olvidas la contraseña para entrar a Internet es porque olvidaste dónde demonios dejaste el saco donde guardaste el papel en el que la anotaste.

CAPACIDAD

– La computadora trabaja con los programas como una carreta: mientras tiene cosas mejores y grandes, más huevos te toma levantarla.

FUNCIONAMIENTO

– El funcionamiento de la computadora depende de la fuerza con que le sueltes los porrazos.

– Si la computadora no responde es ya sea porque hiciste algo bien o porque la golpeaste demasiado.

… Y recuerden, la computadora es como una mujer: si le das más y mejores cosas menos caso te va a hacer.

General Motors doesnt have a help line for people who dont know how to drive, because people dont buy cars like they buy computers, but imagine if they did …

HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?

Customer: I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!

HelpLine: Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?

Customer: Whats an ignition?

HelpLine: Its a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine.

Customer: Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?

HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?

Customer: My car ran fine for a week and now it wont go anywhere!

HelpLine: Is the gas tank empty? Customer: Huh? How do I know?

HelpLine: Theres a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from E to F. Where is the needle pointing?

Customer: Its pointing to E. What does that mean?

HelpLine: It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you.

Customer: What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!

HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?

Customer: Your cars suck!

HelpLine: Whats wrong?

Customer: It crashed, thats what wrong!

HelpLine: What were you doing?

Customer: I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while and then it crashed and it wont start now!

HelpLine: Its your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?

Customer: I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesnt crash any more!

HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?

Customer: Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks.

HelpLine: Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?

Customer: How do I work it?

HelpLine: Do you know how to drive?

Customer: Do I know how to what?

HelpLine: Do you know how to drive?

Customer: Im not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car!