Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
If its really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how its going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
Always leave without telling anyone where youre going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
Wait until my yearly review and then tell me what my goals should have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. Im not here for the money anyway.
If you give me more than one job to do, dont tell me which is the priority. I like being a psychic.
Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
If you dont like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
If you have special instructions for a job, dont write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
Never introduce me to the people youre with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and its nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager
Why does Clinton play the saxophone?
Cause he can no longer play with his hore-monica!
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
Well, how was the honeymoon? asked the mother.
Oh mamma! she exclaimed. The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!
No sooner had she spoken the words than she burst out crying. But mamma . . . as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. Hes been saying things Ive never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! Youve got to come get me and take me home… please mamma!
Now Sarah . . . her mother answered. Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?
Please dont make me tell you, mamma. wept the daughter.
Im so embarrassed! Theyre just too awful! Youve got to come get me and take me home… please mamma!
Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset . . .
Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!
Still sobbing, the bride replied, Oh, mamma . . . words like dust, wash, iron, and cook!
A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed.
After years of this the wife wants him to quit, so she gets 2 shot glasses, filling 1 with water the other with whiskey.
She gets him to the table with the glasses and has his bait box there too.
She says I want you to see this. She puts a worm in the water it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey and the worm dies.
She says so what do you have to say about this experiment?
He says IF I DRINK WHISKEY I WONT GET WORMS!
Como parte de su formación, unos estudiantes de agronomÃa realizan una práctica en un desolado terreno. El profesor comienza con la clase:
Bien, alumnos, esta es una tierra arcillosa y muy seca. Tiene bastantes plagas y mucha concentración de sal; cuando llueve, llueve tanto que arrastra las cosechas que hay plantadas. El sol es muy fuerte en esta época, por lo que si se riega poco, el agua no penetra la tierra porque se seca antes; además, el suelo está lleno de piedras. ¿Qué recomiendan que plantemos aqu�
Se hace un largo silencio hasta que alguien contesta:
¿Un poste de teléfonos?
Why did the boy cross the road 2 phone 07952423099 fishing freak for advice (true story)
The following are comebacks to that annoying question Why Arent You Married Yet?
You havent asked yet.
I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
Because I just love hearing this question.
Just lucky, I guess.
It gives my mother something to live for.
My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole.
Im still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
Im waiting until I get to be your age.
It didnt seem worth a blood test.
I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
My co-op board doesnt allow spouses.
Id have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
I wouldnt want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
I guess it just goes to prove that you cant trust those voodoo doll rituals.
What? And lose all the money Ive invested in running personal ads?
I dont want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
Why arent you thin?
Im married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
(Bonus reply for Single Mothers)
Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.
Man: Havent we met before?
Woman: Yes, Im the receptionist at the VD Clinic.
Man: Havent I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yeah, thats why I dont go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
Man: So, wanna go back to my place ?
Woman: Well, I dont know. Will two people fit under a rock?
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours and Ill go to mine.
Man: Id like to call you. Whats your number?
Woman: Its in the phone book.
Man: But I dont know your name.
Woman: Thats in the phone book too.
Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: Im a female impersonator.
Man: What sign were you born under?
Woman: No Parking.
Man: Hey, baby, whats your sign?
Woman: Do not Enter
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized !
Man: Hey, come on, were both here at this bar for the same reason
Woman: Yeah! Lets pick up some chicks!
Man: Im here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.
Woman: You mean youve got both a donkey and a Great Dane?
Man: I know how to please a woman.
Woman: Then please leave me alone.
Man: I want to give myself to you.
Woman: Sorry, I dont accept cheap gifts.
Man: I can tell that you want me.
Woman: Ohhhh. Youre so right. I want you to leave.
Man: If I could see you naked, Id die happy:
Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, Id probably die laughing.
Man: Hey cutie, how bout you and I hitting the hot spots?
Woman: Sorry, I dont date outside my species..
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: Id go through anything for you.
Woman: Good! Lets start with your bank account.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.
This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything.
Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list and add your name to the bottom of the list.
When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, of whom 4 were worth keeping.
REMEMBER this chain brings luck. One mans pit bull died and the next day he received a Playboy swimsuit model. An unmarried man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooters waitress and a Hollywood super model.
You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain and got his own wife back again.
Lets keep it going, men! Just add your name to the list below!
> Bill Clinton
> 1600 Pennsylvania Ave
> Washington DC
>
> William Jefferson Clinton
> 1600 Pennsylvania Ave
> Washington DC
>
> W. J. Clinton
> 1600 Pennsylvania Ave
> Washington DC
>
> William Clinton
> 1600 Pennsylvania Ave
> Washington DC
>
> W. Jefferson Clinton
> 1600 Pennsylvania Ave
> Washington DC
>
> William J. Clinton
> 1600 Pennsylvania Ave
> Washington DC
>
> Slick Willie Clinton
> 1600 Pennsylvania Ave
> Washington, DC
>
> Mr. Hillary Clinton
> 1600 Pennsylvania Ave
> Washington DC