Old and New Jokes

Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.

A lady had a height problem – she was TOO tall, being excatly 2 meters tall. She hated the way she had to duck to walk through a doorway, the way she felt so uncomfortable in a car… So she visited an expert. The expert said:

Go visit the Dwarven Town. Its full of dwarfs. Find any dwarf, and ask him if hell marry you. Every time a dwarf says no, you grow 10 cm shorter!

The lady did as she was told. She went to the Dwarven Town, and found a dwarf, and asked if he would marry her. He refused. She found herself 10 cm shorter. She quickly repeated this act another time on another dwarf. Now 180 cm tall, she decided to ask one more dwarf then go home. She boldly walked up to a dwarf and asked if he would marry her. The dwarf replied:

No, no, no, no, no…! I dont want to marry a tall person like you!

Youre too tall! No, no, no, no, no!

Q: How many Austinites/Berkeleyites/Boulderites does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb and four to talk about how much better it was in the Sixties.

Why were the two managers sitting around sketching crockery before the start of the game?
It was a cup draw!

Where do football directors go when they are fed up?
The bored room!

A manager was being interviewed after he had resigned from a football club?

Were the crowd not behind you asked the reporter

They were right behind me all right, said the manager, But I managed to shake them off at the station!

Why was the struggling mange seen shaking the club cat?
To see if there was any more money in the kitty!

Cauchy – it leaves a residue at every pole.

Hello.



Yes, you. You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online. You, bleary eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it is?



Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned about your internet addiction. At Internetaholics Anonymous, we can help. Were a non-profit society of recovering addicts like yourself that provides support and counseling through weekly meetings designed to help

you cope with your problem.



We feature a twelve step recovery program and in extreme cases, interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you are never cured, you most certainly can recover.



We have designed a brief checklist to determine if you are an addict. Do you:

1) Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your terminal?

2) Check e-mail more than five times a day?

3) Spend more time chatting than eating or sleeping?

4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online?

5) Leave your name and information at countless sites if only to hope youll receive a reply one day from a company youll never do business with anyway?

6) Log on before important personal habits, such as meal preparation, hygiene or bodily functions?

7) Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head?

8) Spend hours online on a holiday from work, where youd usually be griping about your carpal tunnel syndrome?

9) See smoke arising from your computer or WebTV box?

10) All of the above?



If you answered yes to four or more questions (or chose #10), you have a problem. Please call us at Internetaholics Anonymous at:

1-800-LOGOFFNOWFORSWEETJESUSSAKE.



Were here, were free, and were confidential. The first step to recovery is admission that you have a problem.



Call us today.

If you can power off to free up your phone line, that is.

You might be a redneck if…

You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the day my ship came in.

Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.

Youve ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.

The best way to keep things cold is to leaveem in the shade.

Youve ever raked leaves in your kitchen.

The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

Your brother-in-law is your uncle.

You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.

There was a man who bught a cigar. He went to his lawyer to have it insured against fire damage. The insurance company was outraged, so they took him to court, but the man won. So they insured the cigar against fire damage. A few days later, the man lit the cigar and smoked it. When he went to collect the insurance money, because the cigar had, of course, burnt down, they insurance company took him to court again. They won and had him sued, for arson.

A physician visited a California mental institution and asked a patient How did you get here? What is the nature of your illness?

He got this reply.

It started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I got hitched to a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.

My Daddy came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother.

Soon my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddys brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddys wife. So as I told you, when stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once, my stepmother. Now since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle.

As you know, my wife is my step grand-mother since she is my stepmothers mother. (Dont forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter.) Remember, too, that I am my wifes grandson.

But hold on just a few minutes more. you see, since Im married to my step grand-mother, I am not only the wifes grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather.

Now can you understand how I got put in this place?

Rainy WWW

How did the Rabbi translate hebrew to english He aded a ch