Old and New Jokes

Youre a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.

On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.

Your parakeet knows the phrase Open up, Police!

Yo mama so fat she stands in two time zones.

A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several weeks each year to his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Every summer, he would invite one friend or another to stay with him there for a week or two.

One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to visit him. The friend, happy to get anything free from a lawyer, eagerly agreed. When the time came, they spent a wonderful time, getting up early every morning and enjoying the great outdoors.

One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were picking raspberries and blueberries for their breakfast, they were approached by two huge bears–a male and a female.

The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.

Seeing this, the lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and raced for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his high-powered rifle and raced back to the berry area with the lawyer. All the while, he was plagued by visions of lawsuit from his friends family. He just had to save his friend.

Luckily, the bears were still there. Hes in THAT one! cried the lawyer, pointing to the male.

The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female.

What did you do that for?! exclaimed the lawyer, I said he was in the other bear!

Exactly, replied the sheriff. Would you believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?

Debido a la gran demanda de preservativos (y a su amplia variedad), algunas empresas han detectado en este rubro una gran oportunidad y pronto comenzarán a lanzar sus propias marcas de condones, con sus respectivos y muy conocidos eslóganes.

· Condones KFC: Con la receta secreta.

· Condones Vasenol: Para manos que trabajan.

· Condones Bital: Es bueno ser grande, pero es más grande ser bueno.

· Condones Vick Vaporub: La frotadita que ayuda.

· Zucaritas Condoms: Hacen un tigre de ti.

· Condones Tía Rosa: Por su rico sabor casero.

· Patricks Condoms: Para hombres que dejan huella.

· Gansito Condoms: Recuérdame.

· Condones Bic: No saben fallar.

· Energizer Condoms: Dura y dura.

· GM Condoms: Con asistencia en el camino.

· Microsoft Condoms: ¿Hasta dónde quieres llegar hoy?

· Sabritas Condoms: A que no puedes usar sólo uno.

· Condones Bimbo: Con el cariño de siempre.

· Hellmans Condoms: Haz una cara Hellmans.

· Bacardí Condoms: La cantidad es responsabilidad de usted.

· Pringles Condoms: Al destapar no podrás parar.

· Ford Condoms: Nacidos Fuertes.

· M&M Condoms: Se deshacen en tu boca, no en tus manos.

An 83-year old woman decided that shed seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasnt certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple. So she shot herself in the left kneecap.

What did the termite say when he walked into the bar?

Where is the bar tender?

Bill wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. Sos the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Bill asks, Son, what happened last night?

His son says, Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.

Confused, Bill asks, So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?
His son replies, Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, Lady leave me alone, Im married!

INTELLIGENCE IS A BYPRODUCT OF EVOLUTION

Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft employees are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Microsoft employees each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket.

How are three people going to travel on only one ticket? asks a Microsoft employee.

Watch and youll see, answers the Apple engineer.

They all board the train. The Microsoft employees take their respective seats but all three Apple engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, Ticket, please.

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Microsoft employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the Microsoft employees decide to copy the Apple engineers (as they always do) on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple engineers dont buy a ticket at
all.

How are you going to travel without a ticket? asks one perplexed Microsoft employee.

Watch and youll see, answers an Apple engineer.

When they board the train the three Microsoft employees cram into a restroom and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby.

The train departs. shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Microsoft employees are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, Ticket, please…

When the drumsticks are hitting the drums.