10
Feb

Dating Terms

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT – what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING – the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you dont especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL – avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around children.

EASY – a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT – a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a womans eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND – a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE – a womans feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as playing hard to get.

INTERESTING – a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT – what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY – how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC – a mans term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

FRIGID – a mans term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.

SOBER – condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

NAG – a mans term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse.

10
Feb

Technical Support for Wife 1.0

Dear (IT) Technical Support:

I am desperate for some help.

I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the
new program began unexpected child processing and also took up a lot of
space and valuable resources. This wasnt mentioned in the product
brochure.

In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and
launches during system initialisation where it monitors all other
system activity.

Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5, and Golf 5.3 no longer run
and crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate Saturday
Rugby 6.3 always fails but Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead. I cannot
seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of
my favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend
7.0 but uninstall doesnt work on this program.

Can you please help.

Joe

Dear Joe,

This is a very common problem resulting from a basic
misunderstanding. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0
thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program.
Whereas Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its creator to run
everything.

You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back
to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this and it
is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the
system once installed.

Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but have
ended up with even more problems. (See in manual under
alimony/Child Support and Solicitors Fees).

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself I recommend you keep it installed
and deal with the difficulties as best you can. When any faults or
problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C:
I APOLOGISE program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-key. It may
be necessary to run C: I APOLOGISE a number of times but hopefully
eventually the operating system will return to normal.

Wife 1.0 although a very high maintenance program can be very
rewarding. To get the most out of it consider buying additional
software such as Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 5.0.

Do not under any circumstances install Secretary (Short Skirt version)
as this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the
system will almost certainly crash.

09
Feb

Freshman

The huge college freshman figured hed try



out for the football team. Can you tackle?



asked the coach.



Watch this, said the freshman, who proceeded



to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering



it to splinters.



Wow, said the coach. Im impressed. Can you run?



Of course I can run, said the freshman. He



was off like a shot, and, in just over nine



seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.



Great! enthused the coach. But can you pass



a football?



The freshman rolled his eyes, hesitated for a



few seconds. Well, sir, he said, if I can



swallow it, I can probably pass it.

09
Feb

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Phyllis Diller

09
Feb

There are two sides to

There are two sides to every issue, and I always agree with both.

09
Feb

Infidelity

While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, this is a special day. Im celebrating.

Im celebrating, too, she said, clinking glasses with him.

What are you celebrating? he asked.

For years Ive been trying to have a child, she replied, Today my gynecologist told me Im pregnant!

Congratulations, the man said, lifting his glass. As it happens, Im a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today theyre finally fertile.

How did it happen?

I switched cocks.

Ill drink to that, she said, smiling.

08
Feb

Knock Knock Whos there? Alec! Alec who? Alec my

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Alec!
Alec who?
Alec my lolly!

08
Feb

Viola joke

Q: What do you call a person who plays the viola?
A: A violator.

08
Feb

Always remember to pillage before

Always remember to pillage before you burn.

08
Feb

Here Moosey Moosey.

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, put on their costume and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, OK, lets get out and get him.

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?

The guy in the front says, Well, Im going to start nibbling grass, but if I were you, Id brace myself!