Two Russian border guards, Ivan and Vladimir, on a cold winter morning.
Looking across the border, Ivan is smiling to himself, then he notices
that Vladimir is also smiling.
Ivan [suspiciously]: What were you thinking about?
Vladimir: Same thing you were thinking about, comrade.
Ivan: Then it is my duty to arrest you.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.
Ears pierced – while you wait!
Save regularly in our bank. Youll never reget it.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
What do you get when you gross a Pitbull and a Redneck?
A white neighbourhood.
A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving really badly, so she got pulled over by a cop. The cop walked up to her window and asked, Lady, why are you driving so recklessly? The blonde said, Im sorry sir, but wherever I go, theres always a tree in front of me and I cant seem to get away from it! The cop looked at her and said, Lady, its your air freshener!
Q:Knock Knock Whos There Arentcha Aretcha Who A:Arentcha You Gonna Get Back To Work
Why do they report power outages on TV?
FOREIGN GOOFS
Bite the wax tadpole.
– Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese
Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave.
– ad slogan Pepsi Comes Alive as originally translated into Chinese
I am a jelly doughnut
– English translation of John F. Kennedy speaking at the Berlin Wall
We pray for MacArthurs erection.
– sign erected by Japanese citizens in Tokyo, when MacArthur was considering a run for President
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
– from a guest directory at a Japanese hotel, 1991
It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant.
– Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad
MISCELLANEOUS
Im not against the blacks and a lot of the good blacks will attest to that.
– Evan Mecham, then governor of Arizona
Nixon has been sitting in the White House while George McGovern has been exposing himself to the people of the United States.
– Frank Licht, then governor of Rhode Island, campaigning for McGovern in 1972
Retraction: The Greek Special is a huge 18 inch pizza and not a huge 18 inch penis, as described in an add. Blondies Pizza would like to apologize for any confusion Fridays ad may have caused.
– correction printed in The Daily Californian
Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! Its rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing for the Padres!
– Jerry Coleman, Padres radio announcer
I want you to take your balls in your hand and bounce them on the floor and then throw them as high as you can. Now, have you all got your balls in your hands?
– announcer of childrens radio show Life With Mother to her audience
They X-Rayed my head and found nothing.
– Jerome Dizzy Dean
The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nations history … this centurys history … We all lived in this century. I didnt live in this century.
– Dan Quayle
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We cant tell you. Youre not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We cant tell you. Youre not a monk.
The man says, All right, all right. Im *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, You must travel the Earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have traveled the Earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the Earth.
The monks reply, Congratulations! You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound. The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, The sound is right behind that door.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, Real funny. may I have the key? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He asks for yet another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is *another* door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst …
Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door.
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I cant tell you what it is because … youre not a monk!
Difficult words to say when you are drunk……
* Innovative
* Preliminary
* Proliferation
Impossible words to say when you are drunk…..
* Thanks, but I dont want sex
* No, I dont want another drink
* No Kebab for me, thanks
* Sorry, but you are not quite good looking enough for me
* Good evening officer