Old and New Jokes

On a store front in Florida: Your one stop shop! Beer ammo and liquor. Drive through open 24 hours!

A speed limit sign on Long Beach Island, New Jersey: Smile, Youre on Radar!

Seen in a State Park in California: Weather Station (A large sign with a Rock hanging on a rope) Check the Rock. If its wet, its raining. If its moving, its windy. If you cant see it, its foggy. If rock is gone, its a tornado.

Sign in a Laundromat AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

One guy asks the other, Hey, have you ever gone to bed with an ugly woman?

The second guy says, No, but Ive woken up with plenty.

One day a man has a terrible stomach complaint and goes along to see his doctor. The doctor tells him that he is very ill, but that he can cure his condition with a course of suppositories inserted deep into his rectum every 6 hours.



Right says the doctor, bend over and Ill do the first one for you. The man bends down and the doctor deposited the suppository. He then gives the man his course and sends him home.



At home 6 hours later the man realises that he cant stick the supposiory far enough up, by himself, so he asks his wife to help him insert the slippery bullet. After explaining to her what to do, the man bends over. His wife puts one hand on her husbands shoulder to brace herself and thrusts really hard. To her horror the man lets out a blood curdling scream.



My God she cries. Whats the matter? Did I hurt you?



No replies the man. But I have just realised that when the doctor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders.

If youre always right, somethings wrong.

A hospital patient, recovering from minor surgery, was being given an alcohol rubdown by two of the hospitals more attractive nurses.

While manipulating the mans body they noted that the word tiny was tattooed on the head of his penis.

Some months after the mans discharge, Mary, one of the nurses, tod Joan, the other, that she had dated their former patient.

How could you go out with a man that had tiny tattooed on his love stick? exclaimed Joan.

How could I indeed! said Mary. It said tiny when it was soft, but when aroused, it spelled:

Tinys Delicatessen & Catering Service. We deliver at all times, twenty-four hours a day!!!

A wise man climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord, God, what does a million years mean to you?

The Lord replies, A minute.

The wise man asks, And what does a million dollars mean to you?

The Lord replies, A penny.

The wise man asks, Can I have a penny?

The Lord replies, In a minute.

A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said its no good trying to outrun it, its catching up. The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to out run you!

If the Franklin Mint ran Christmas…
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted item from an authentic Civil War pewter ornament collection. Each ornament would weight about seven pounds, and require you to pay shipping and handling charges.

Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

Wifespeak/Translation

You want: You want

We need: I want

Its your decision: The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want: Youll pay for this later

We need to talk: I need to complain

Sure…go ahead: I dont want you to.

Im not upset: Of course Im upset, you moron.

Youre so manly: You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

Youre certainly attentive tonight: Is sex all you ever think about?

Im not emotional! And Im not over reacting!: Im on my period.

Be romantic, turn out the lights.: I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient: I want a new house.

I want new curtains: and carpeting, furniture, wallpaper….

I need wedding shoes: the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

Hang the picture there: No, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise: I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me?: Im going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me?: I did something today youre really not going to like.

Ill be ready in a minute: Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat?: Tell me Im beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate: Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!?: [Too late, your dead.]

Yes: No

No: No

Maybe: No

Im sorry: Youll be sorry.

Do you like this recipe?: Its easy to fix, so youd better get used to it.

Was that the baby?: Why dont you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

Im not yelling!: Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

All were going to buy is a soap dish: It goes without saying that were stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at few new pocketbooks, and, oh my god,theres a sale in lingerie, and wouldnt these pink sheets look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

In answer to the question Whats wrong?

The same old thing.: Nothing.

Nothing.: Everything.

Everything: My PMS is acting up.

Nothing, really.: Its just that youre such an asshole..

I dont want to talk about it.: Go away, Im still building up steam.