1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.2. While hes in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.3. Leave him a note, explaining that youve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.4. While hes in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say, We hate Christmas, and Go away Santa.7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.9. While hes in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldnt have missed that last payment, and take off.10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, For The Tooth Fairy. 🙂 Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, For Santa.11. Take everything out of your house as if its just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime.12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.13. While hes in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santas sure to see them. Go outside, yell, Ooh! Look! A deer! And hes got a red nose! Then fire a gun.15. Leave Santa
An ant is walking through the woods and comes upon a huge hole. At the bottom
of the hole is an elephant trying desperately to get out. Being
a compassionate sort, the ant calls down Say, Mr. Elephant, would you like some
help? The elephant, unable to get out by himself, quickly agrees. So the ant
backs his Mercedes up to the hole and throws a rope to the elephant. When everything
is tied off the ant jumps in the car and pulls the elephant out. The elephant
is very grateful and offers to return the favor some time.
Sure enough, a short time later the ant, stuck in a hole, sees the elephant
stroll by. He calls out for help to the elephant. We all know elephants
never forget, so Mr Elephant is more than happy to help the ant. He stands
over the hole and lowers his dick to the bottom. The ant walks right up the
giant penis and out of the hole. The ant thanks the elephant and the two
continue about their business.
The moral of the story is, If youve got a big dick, you dont need a Mercedes!
A young woman was suffering badly from hay fever, but she was going to a fancy dinner party that night and she figured she would need at least two handkerchiefs to get her through the evening. She didnt have any pockets, so she stuffed them both in her bra.Halfway through the night, she had already used up one handkerchief and was rummaging around in her bra for the other one. She was having trouble finding it, and soon she noticed that everyone at the table was looking at her.What on earth are you doing? asked one of her colleagues.She replied I could have sworn I had two when we arrived!
A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart.
When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.
Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing.
The guy next to him asked: Why are you laughing?
I was thinking about my own funeral the man replied.
Whats so funny about that?
Im a gynecologist.
One day David Beckham was at a press conference.
He started by saying They keep your mouth minty for 2 hours and there only 2 calories which is good for victoria.
But then someone whisperd to David your here to talk about TACTICS.
a lady was giving birth to a baby on the kitchen table when the baby finally came out the doctor grabbed the baby by the imbilical cord and started salmming it against the floor and then booted it to the other side of the room the lady then asked in a screaming voice why did you do that to my baby and the doctor replied april fools it was already dead
¿Cómo se caza un elefante gris?
Con una pistola de cazar elefantes grises.
¿Y cómo se caza un elefante morado?
Supongo que dirán que con una escopeta de cazar elefantes morados. Pues no, coges la escopeta de cazar elefantes grises. Se la metes por la trompa al elefante gris hasta que se ponga morado, y entonces coges la escopeta de cazar elefantes morados y lo matas.
Wear short sleeves: Support your right to bare arms!
The Young Whipper-Snapper (TYWS) took MrsYWS to the races one fine Sunday. There they met Maury, an old Army buddy of TYWS.
Hey! Maury! Hows it goin? says TYWS.
Cool enough, says Maury, Ive come to bet.
Great, says TYWS, you can explain it to me, because I dont know anything about the track.
Me neither, confesses Maury, I just play random combinations, and that works like a charm every time. Here ya go, lemme help you pick some numbers. How long you and the missus been married?
15 years.
And how many times a week do yo make love?
7.
And how many kids you got?
2.
And, finally, whats the last number in your house number?
9.
Great! says Maury. Im gonna fix you up with 15-7-2-9.
The race takes place, but the winning combinatin is 15-1-2-9.
Thats when MrsYWS knocks TYWS over the head with her purse: Fool! If you had told him the truth, wed be RICH!
1. Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)2. Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, Trick or Treat! Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, Top Secret in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, Its about time you got here, give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, Come in. When they do, have everyone yell, Surprise!!! Act like its a surprise party.5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out whats wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural whirring sound.6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and dont move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.8. When you answer the door, hold up one candy bar, throw it out into the street, and yell, Crawl for it!9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and runaround the house, screaming until they go away.10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused,