Old and New Jokes

Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They cant change light bulbs… Without light, they cant read the manual, and without the manual, they cant figure out how to change the light bulb.

A blonde buys two horses and she cant tell them apart. So she asks the farmer next door what to do. He says to cut one of their tails off. So she does. But then the other horses tail gets caught in a bush and rips off. So she cant tell them apart again.

She asks the farmer for advice a second time. He tells her to cut one of the horses ears. So she does. But then the other horse gets its ear ripped in a barbed wire fence.

She is still confused. She asks the farmer what to do. He tells her to measure them.

She comes back and says, The white horse is 2 inches taller than the black horse!

Our team is doing so badly that Manager of the Month isnt an award.
Its an appointment!

Did you hear about the football team who ate too much pudding?
They got jellygated!

Which insect didnt play well in goal?
The fumble bee!

THE INVISIBLE KILLER

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year.

Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there.

Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance.

For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.

Dihydrogen monoxide:

is also known as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid rain.
contributes to the greenhouse effect.
may cause severe burns.
contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.
has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

I hate this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced
frivolity, but because its the season when the food police come out with
their wagging fingers and annual tip on how to get through the holidays
without gaining 10 pounds. You cant pick up a magazine without finding a
list of holiday eating dos and donts. Eliminate second helpings,
high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on
vegetable sticks, they say.

Good grief.

Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick? I didnt
think so. Isnt mine, either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph. I
have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow
them, youll be fat and happy. So what if you dont make it to New Years?
Your pants wont fit anymore, anyway.

1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a
holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you
see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where theyre serving rum
balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt
scotch, its rare. In fact, its even rarer than single-malt scotch. You
cant find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it
has 10,000 calories in every sip? Its not as if youre going to turn into
an eggnogaholic or something. Its a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have
two. Its later than you think. Its Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. Thats the whole point of gravy.
Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed
potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if theyre made with skim milk or
whole milk. If its skim, pass. Why bother? Its like buying a sports car
with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your
eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other
peoples food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Years.
You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the
time for long naps, which youll need after circling the buffet table while
carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted
Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near
them and dont budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of
attention. Theyre like a beautiful pair of shoes. You cant leave them
behind. Youre not going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if
you dont like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have
three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, its loaded with the mandatory
celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards,
mate.

10. And one final tip: If you dont feel terrible when you leave the party
or get up from the table, you havent been paying attention.

11. Reread the tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just around the
corner.

You might be a redneck if…
Your secret family recipe is illegal.

How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike?

They both have ornamental balls.

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.

To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, I dont mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?

St. Peter replied, Well, Ive added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be at least 193 years old!

Un violador acechaba a su posible víctima en un callejón oscuro. En eso va pasando una monja, y el abusador le lanza:

Ahora si, madre, sus días de virginidad han llegado a su fin.

¡Hijo mío, no, por Dios! ¿Qué me quieres decir con eso?

Que la voy a violar.

El malandrín se va contra ella y la empieza a manosear.

¡Hijo mío, por favor, no hagas eso!

Cállese, que va a empezar lo bueno.

Está bien, hijo, pero hagámoslo con calma, relájate, que todo saldrá bien. Mira, bájate los pantalones, no es necesario que te los quites por completo, así lo puedes hacer, y yo me levanto mis enaguas para que lo podamos hacer mejor.

Muy orondo, el violador hizo lo que la religiosa le pidió y, excitado le pregunta:

¿Y ahora qué, madre?

Pues a ver quien corre más rápido, estúpido, si un idiota con los pantalones en los tobillos, o una monjita con las enaguas recogidas.

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.

8. If at first I dont succeed, there is always next year.

9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.

12. I know that the work cycle is not plan-start-finish, but is wait-plan-plan.

13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinators Society) if they ever get it organized.